Cast your vote

[flutterbee]

It is 12:01 AM. easy child is officially late. He is late every single night coming home from his girlfriend's house by anywhere from 2 to 5 minutes or more. He always has an excuse - traffic, girlfriend's mom was talking to him, he fell asleep. Bottom line is I don't care. I made him come home 30 minutes early last night to make up for his few minutes late every day and he was 2 minutes late last night.

I know it's not much - a couple of minutes late - but it's every. single. night. And I'm done talking.

So, do I:

Not let him see girlfriend tomorrow?
Make him come home early?
Take away driving privileges for the holiday weekend (remember I can't really drive much)?
Other - write in

 

[DammitJanet]

Ok...since you really are not up to driving much and need him as a driver here is what I would do...I would ground him to you. He is not to leave your beck and call for the weekend. He can have girlfriend come to the house but he may not go anywhere else unless you ask him to take you somewhere. He must learn that timeliness is an important trait.

I would also make him earn the money to buy a prepaid cell phone...isnt he earning his own insurance now? If so, 50 more bucks a month for a prepaid wont kill him. They have some good deals on unlimited prepaids out there now. With a cell on him you can feel more at ease about where he is and if he is a minute or two late you wont be as worried that he is in a ditch dead. He can call you and say...Im sitting in traffic over here on Vine...be right there. Make him responsible.

I was so panicked over lateness before we all had cells.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh...if he isnt earning money for anything because he doesnt have a job...tell him he can pick up cans during the month to pay for a 50 buck cell phone...

 

[flutterbee]

He just got a job. He had the physical today for his work permit. His new employer has to fill it out and then it has to go to school administration for them to authorize it.

He will be getting his own cell phone. difficult child has her own prepaid cell that she paid for with her birthday money and she could (theoretically) earn money to buy minutes. I say theoretically because she would actually have to DO something to earn the money.

It's 12:15 am. He just walked in and had to pee really bad. Told him he's late and asked him where he's been. Said he forgot to go to the store so he didn't leave early enough from his girlfriend's. Bear in mind, he was going to the store to get *his* coke.

 

[DammitJanet]

Do you have boost mobile there? Or one of the other lovely prepaid unlimited mobiles?

 

[DammitJanet]

Actually...if you have Radio Shack there...I can find out what unlimited prepaids are in your area and find out what the best deal is...wink wink!

 

[gcvmom]

I think for every minute he's late and hasn't called ahead, he has to skip a day seeing girlfriend when he wants to and does a 1 hour chore for you instead.

 

[meowbunny]

My vote is he drives for you only and not just for the weekend but until he shows some responsibility. girlfriend can come over to your house (and his bedroom is off limits). Might save on some ice that way, too.

 

[flutterbee]

Wynter has tracfone. We had the Cingular Go-Phone at one time, but I don't want a monthly expense, Know what I mean?? This is her deal and when she's out of minutes, she's out of minutes unless she's come up with a way to earn some money. Devon could do the same thing. Although, verizon which is a big provider around here now has a prepaid phone. Since a lot of his friends have verizon, that will probably be the way he goes.

I forgot that he has community service tomorrow and I'm not going to go sit for 8 hours while he does it, so I'll have to let him go do that. He has community service, by the way, for being - get this - late to school so much.

Kinda why I'm hammering on this. He seems to be under the impression that he's an adult and can do as he pleases. We just got finally got the whole being where you say you're going to be ironed out.

Did I mention I'm grumpy? Just not in the mood to be a mom tonight. Unfortunately, my kids still think I'm mom. I keep telling them I've changed my name; it's not "Mom" anymore. They're not buying it.

 

[flutterbee]

OMG MB - you had to bring up the ice.

*Sticks fingers in ears* La la la la la I can't hearrrr youuuuu!!!!

Janet - yep, we have radio shack.

gvcmom- that's a good idea, too. I might end up merging these. I mentioned I'm grumpy, right. And really done talking about this with him. Ready to crack down hard.


Oh...the best part. 2 of his friends were here waiting for him to get home. He left them here while he took girlfriend home (she has to be home by 11pm) and hung out there with her for a bit. So, I wasn't the only one waiting for him. They told him, too, that he was late. LOL

 

[DammitJanet]

Ohhhhhh noooo...he is being much to lackadaisical a young man lately. He needs to learn that timeliness is next to godliness. One must not only be on time for an appointment but arrive 15 minutes early! I get hives if I get to an appointment at 2 and its 2 mins till 2...lol. He needs to learn that employers look kindly on the fellow that shows up 30 minutes early for his shift. It shows work ethic.

Me thinks he would be working off his lateness for me at triple time at the house...lol...for free!

 

[Star*]

WyntersGrace,

This is the same advice I posted to Dancer Mom but it fits - condensed to say

The #1 "get over" difficult child had on us (me and DF) was that he constantly caught us off guard. We were trying to do parenting on the fly and make it up as we went, mostly because...he was so minute to minute in GFGdom.

WHATEVER you decide to do this time - my suggestions are as follows because they helped us with Dude.

1.) HE has lied to you. BIG NO NO
2.) HE needs a consequence - whatever you decide or you and he can decide together, but it would NOT include having access to a vehicle. I would drive him.
3) From NOW on - the rule about going out, being where you say you are going to be and coming home on time IS IN STONE and REPEATED each and every time he heads out - EVERY TIME. To the point where he mockingly repeats it back to you. That's progress
4.) Walking never killed anyone.
5.) Before he goes out, THE RULES are repeated to him. THe consequence is repeated to him, and the consequence CHANGES if he has 2 strikes in the same quarter. 2 strikes in 3 months? Consequence DOUBLES. something like that.

Hugs-
Maybe you should sit in the dark and then scare the bejeebers out of him.

 

[Hound dog]

Maybe you should sit in the dark and then scare the bejeebers out of him.

Lmao Star, I've actually done that one a couple of times.

Heather

I know there are parents out there who will poo poo the whole "few mins late" issue. What's a few minutes?? And they'd have a point if it were every once in a blue moon. Problem is that he is making a habit out of it. AND odds are it won't be long til those few mins creep up to a half hour or hour, and eventually more.

Personally, I'd ground him for a day completely away from girlfriend. No phone calls. No computer. (that way no text messages) Oh, he'll throw a hissy. Odds are you'll be over reacting. But if he can't manage to leave early enough to get home on time regardless of girlfriend Mom talking to him, traffic, ect, then he doesn't need to see girlfriend. As for the falling asleep excuse?? Well, then son, maybe you're out too late and the cerfew needs to be earlier to make sure you get your beauty sleep. lol

 

[flutterbee]

Personally, I'd ground him for a day completely away from girlfriend. No phone calls. No computer. (that way no text messages) Oh, he'll throw a hissy. Odds are you'll be over reacting. But if he can't manage to leave early enough to get home on time regardless of girlfriend Mom talking to him, traffic, ect, then he doesn't need to see girlfriend. As for the falling asleep excuse?? Well, then son, maybe you're out too late and the cerfew needs to be earlier to make sure you get your beauty sleep. lol

I think he might just curl up and die. But, I'll use it if I need it.

 

[Andy]

Ground from driving - does he have his own vehicle or are you "grounded" when he is gone? I have actually called easy child and told her that I am on my way to get her since she is having such a hard time leaving her friend's home. She absoultly hates it when I turn up at a friends home looking for her at any time during the day or night ("Friends don't want you at their home." "Tough, you are my daughter and where you go, I have the right to be. I will go anywhere to keep you safe.")

Tell him he needs to leave anywhere at 11:30pm because he needs to be home before 12:00.

If he is leaving you without a vehicle, then he doesn't have to go anywhere with your vehicle at night. Find someway for him to earn every night he does take the vehicle.

QUOTE:

"Did I mention I'm grumpy? Just not in the mood to be a mom tonight. Unfortunately, my kids still think I'm mom. I keep telling them I've changed my name; it's not "Mom" anymore. They're not buying it. "

​

Grumpy is a very mild way to put it when I am dealing with curfew and easy child. She has decided that now that she has graduated she can be out as long as she wants. So, if I wake up after 1:00 and find she is not home, I usually call and harrass her every 10 - 15 minutes ("are you on your way home yet? Get home NOW!", "I'm on my way to pick you up" ect.) - can't have a conversation or do whatever she is doing with mom interrupting so often, might as well come home. Sometimes I will call from the cell phone so she doesn't know if I am at home or out looking. Usually when I say I am on my way she shows up immediately.

I woke up at 2:45 am now to find her still not home - babysitting a friend's daughter (probably for free). I told her - you call friend and tell him to get his butt home because you have a big day tomorrow. NO common sense in these kids. If he was at work that would be one thing but don't be out all night when your babysitter needs to be up the next morning and is facing a very long weekend. She called him and he came home immeadiately.

 

[donna723]

I agree with the others. There should be consequences sufficient enough to give him a bit of an attitude adjustment. A few minutes late on a rare occasion is no big deal. A few minutes late every night means he's pushing it! He's not taking it seriously and he's waiting until the very last minute to leave where ever he is and not planning ahead for any stops he may have to make or any delays he may encounter. In the "real world" this attitude will get him fired from a job very quickly - no employer would overlook someone coming in a few minutes late every day!

Whose vehicle is this that he's driving? Who pays for the gas? And the insurance? If it's yours, you have a perfect right to know, not only where HE is, but where YOUR vehicle is ... at all times! And a phone is pretty much a necessity. But since he won't be using it just to call you, he should be the one paying for it.

I was really strict on curfews with mine when they started driving. If they were late they KNEW their young rears would be very firmly grounded the next weekend so they did pretty good. They were on time the great majority of the time so an occasional minute or two late was overlooked. But any more than that, if something unavoidable had happened, they had BETTER have called me beforehand. I didn't want them doing 90 mph on the back roads trying to get home before their curfew to keep from being grounded.

 

[Sara PA]

I had to laugh at this. I remember way back when I was in high school -- I did the same thing. Just a few minutes late each night I was out with my boyfriend. Every week when I came home Mom and I would have the same conversation. Mom threatened punishment but never followed through. Sooo, each week it got later and later by just a few minutes. Before you know it, I was regularly coming in a half hour later than my curfew. I even got my curfew changed from 11 to 11:30 to midnight by just coming in later. Obviously it wasn't really an issue for my mother or she would have done something about it. I do have to admit that I wondered why my mother -- who was a wonderful mother and loved me completely -- allowed me to be out beyond what she considered an appropriate time. Maybe she had faith in my good sense not to do anything truly bad but faith means nothing, really. (Though in this case her faith was well placed.)

But I know what I would do if it was an issue for me or if I were you.

Tell him you won't tolerate this behavior any longer. Tell him if he comes in by even a minute late again, his curfew will be 10:00 PM until he proves he can keep a curfew. You have to do it in a way that he is convinced you will follow through. Give him a full explanation of what is expected and a clear description of what will happen if he fails. Then, if he's late, follow through. Really, the goal isn't to punish him, the goal is to get him to comply with your rules.

What determines what proves he can comply with a curfew could be as little as he gets home by 10 PM that first night or, failing that, he gets home by 10 PM for three nights straight, for example.

Problems with this approach are that he might sneak out after 10 PM or he just ignores you and comes and goes as he pleases. Gotta know your kid before you issue ultimatums. Don't want to push them into complete defiance and make things worse. If that's a possibility, you need to form a Plan B in case that happens.

 

[Abbey]

I've never set a curfew for easy child. At this point, after raising 4 kids...I don't have the energy. There are some nights that he doesn't come in until 2am, but I trust him enough to make somewhat responsible choices. In fact, there are nights when he doesn't come home at all. Should I be worried? I suppose...but his friends do the same things here. They get playing some video game and eventually crash wherever they can find a space.

He goes to school, works 40+ hours at his job, then hangs out at Buffalo Wild Wings just down the road with his friends. by the way...he's the pacman champ there. What a kudo. The staff knows husband and I so I'm quite sure they know he's only 18.

The BIG issue for me is the car. You drive my car...you better darn sure you're making good choices. I'd snatch that thing away in a heartbeat, which I have in the past.

He seems to have good friends (although I did find his hidden pipe, which is supposedly not his...ha, ha), so I don't worry a whole lot.

Missing curfew is one of those things I pile in the low level basket of worries...unless I have suspicions of not good behavior.

He got up today and unloaded the dishwasher, made bacon and eggs, then completely cleaned his bedroom and bath, then mowed the front and back yard. Now, he's heading off to work.

I guess I can't complain. Typical teen...but seems to be on the right track. So, if he stays out a bit long, it's ok with me because of the trust factor.

Abbey

 

[meowbunny]

Abbey, you seem to forget this is the young man who has gotten into accidents in his mother's car; took off burning rubber (or close to it) with his mother and sister in the car; has hours of community service to do because he can't get out of bed in the morning. This is a easy child with a total attitude in some areas.

I'm not a big fan of curfews but if a kid has proven he can't be responsible enough to get his rear into bed at a reasonable time so that he can get up in the morning, he needs someone to make those decisions for him.

What's hard here is that there is a track record of things changing for a day or two. Mom calms down, all is good and then things go right back to the way they were. The kids are totally taking advantage of the fact Heather is sick. Rather than rallying and trying to help more, they instead act selfishly, are inconsiderate and blame her illness for them not getting what they want in life.

Heather, I wish I could magically wave a wand and makes things better. I can't. You need to decide how many battles you can tolerate and then make a plan from that viewpoint. Any consequences you give have to be followed through consistently and always -- not just a day or two. You have to make the rules and you have to make them stick. It's hard work. It's tiring. It's no fun.

The consequences have to be real and they have to be fair. For example, no food until previous dishes have been rinsed and put in dishwasher. You're 3 minutes late on curfew, that's 90 minutes home earlier tomorrow night (30 minutes for each minute). Until you keep your temper in check, no using the car unless it is for the family. That means you find your own way to school, to your girlfriend's, to work, to community service. When you're asked to do something, it should be done within 30 minutes with no attitude. Stomping, storming, yelling, calling Mom names means Mom doesn't do for you for the next day -- no taking you anywhere, no computer time, no TV (Mom pays the bills for all of these, no reason for you to enjoy them when you won't help out the family).

A list of chores for everyone and by when they must be completed might help a little. The list could also include the consequences of them not being done.

Anyway, those are my suggestions. The main thing is you need to do something and it's need to be real to the kids.

 

[flutterbee]

So, I came up with a list of house rules. MB was nice enough to review them and point out anything that was too vague and reminded me to put in ways to earn back lost privileges. MB spent a lot of time helping me draft this just right. It's not too long....it's a starting point.

So, I handed Devon the rules. He scoffed and puffed up his chest for about 30 seconds then calmed down. And he was home 4 minutes early tonight!

I seriously considered grounding him to me, but I decided that I'm really not wanting that much quality time with my children this weekend. I'm really wanting - no, needing - some space right now. I'm not going to get it, but I'm not going to add to it either, Know what I mean?? So, that's definitely something that I will keep for future reference.

Thank you ladies!