Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
Hi all. Hmmm, where to begin?
Last time I was here, wife and I had just confronted McWeedy about his various extra-curricular activities (which had gone way, way off the charts). I was ready to call the police, wife threatened divorce if I did, so we ended up waiting for our first "family session" with the doctor at the study.
At that session, McWeedy and I were like two caged pit bulls chained within barking (but not biting) distance of each other. Nothing really worthwhile happened during that part of the session, other than the doctor telling me that all my "heartfelt expressions" (i.e. diatribes) missed the mark (his brain) and went straight to being a pain in another, lower part of his body. McWeedy was then excused from the rest of the session.
The second half of the session with just the doctor was a little better, but was more disturbing than helpful. He told us that McWeedy feels "alienated" in the house. I replied "he should, because that's exactly what I want. If I had my way, he'd be in jail right now, but my wife said she'd divorce me if I called the cops.".
"So, you're upset, and you want him to feel constant anger and resentment?" "Yes", I replied. "Anger is the only defense against him I have left".
That shocked him. I told him that every time I let guard down, he found a way to really kick me in the groin. I'd tried every other approach I could think of, and none of them worked. "What to you mean by 'worked'?" he asked. "Trying to get him to at least consider doing the "right thing" instead of doing whatever he felt like at the moment, without any further thought."
"What is the "right thing"?" he asked. I replied "thinking about the possible outcomes of your actions. Will you get hurt? Will someone else get hurt? Do you gain anything for what your choice costs you? Does someone else pay the price for your choice, even if you get what you want? That's what I mean by the 'right thing'".
"Ah, I see. And how, exactly, does expressing anger and resentment help your son make good choices?"
I replied "it doesn't". Queue the second shocked expression on the doctor's face. He didn't have to ask, I answered the question on his face...
"Staying angry is the only thing I have left to protect me. I've tried everything I could to get him to do the right thing, and nothing works. I've come to finally understand that my son's actions are his own, and that we don't come into the picture when he's choosing what to do. So, since he seems to mostly choose bad things in his life, and won't stop no matter how much it hurts us, all I can do is protect myself until he's either gone or changed, whichever comes first."
Now he gets it. I'm not trying to get him to do the "right thing" any more, I'm simply trying to get him to not do bad things while he's living at home and can still damage the family. And anger, threats, and a somewhat hostile environment are the only things that have worked for any length of time.
"So that explains the alienation", he said. "Yep, it sure does, and I mean him to feel that way. If he won't do the "right thing" because it's in his best interests, then at least I can scare or intimidate him into not doing bad things while he still lives at my house."
"Do you think it will work?" "So far, it has. I don't think it's permanent, but at least the house has been somewhat peaceful for the last week or so. But I know it can't last, so all I can do is maintain what little control I still have over my household while he's here, and keeping him off balance with anger is the only thing that works".
"You'll lose him that way".
"I've already lost him, at least the "him" that I wanted to know and love and be around" I replied.
And now the shocker. The doctor pulled out a hankie and started wiping his eyes - he was crying! He told us how it breaks his heart to see a kid with so much talent throw his entire life away the way McWeedy has, for nothing. It didn't last long, but it told me just how far down my son has gone into the rabbit hole. This is a man who has been working with adolescent substance abusers for 20+ years at one of the best facilities in the midwest, and he was crying for my son. I really couldn't take that for too long....
Needless to say we didn't get much else out of the remaining session time. But I think wife came away with a little more understanding of how serious the situation was.
Over the next few weeks, nothing much happened. McWeedy "seemed" to stop hanging around with his doper friends. He spent a lot of time at home, or with his girlfriend. He said he'd stopped drugging, and even offered to release the weekly drug test results to us. "Fine, but that doesn't change much, does it?" I said. wife started working on me to tone down the anger, because she felt that McWeedy was "making an effort", and I needed to respond in kind.
At first, I resisted, but as time went on and McWeedy didn't provoke any fights, I couldn't hold out. Anger takes too much out of you. And so, I started acting less angry, more supportive, and let him in just a bit.
My mistake.
For about a week, I thought that backing off was "working", i.e. things weren't getting worse. But last weekend, McWeedy informed us that he was going to the lake with his girlfriend, rather than asking. He started not answering his phone again. He started arguing with his Mom again about boundaries. Those usually ended with her telling him that he hadn't earned back our trust yet - a comment that only made things worse.
Finally, over this last weekend, things finally came to a head. McWeedy said he was going over to a friends house to work on his car, and took his girlfriend with him. Later, I saw her in front of her house, but her car was still at my house. Radar is now in full alert mode. McWeedy isn't answering his phone. Sometime later, Weedette's car disappears from in front of our house. McWeedy comes in under curfew, and when asked he said that his girlfriend got a ride back with someone.
A blatant lie, and I knew it. He got read the riot act (again) for not answering his phone, which he said was "dead" (not true, I could see calls going in and out of his phone by checking the phone company's website). Another lie. I'm starting to smell something rotten...
Saturday comes, and the family goes out to dinner - except for McWeedy, who's already eaten. At dinner, wife gets a "pity me" text from McWeedy, asking if we really knew how miserable he was since he'd stopped drugging, or were we so caught up in him being a good little boy that we just didn't notice? (that's a quote). wife replied that she thought he was doing much better lately, and that if he'd just give it some more time he might see that he's better off now than he was a month ago.
A little later he texts and asks to go to see a friend play at a "battle of the bands". Where is it? "I don't know, some local high school". And he was going with one of his stoner buddies who'd just been fired for drug use. I left it up to wife, who told him that it was a real stretch for her to trust him that much, but okay, he could go. But he HAD to keep his phone on him, it HAD to be set so he could hear or feel it, and he HAD to answer it. Oh, and he still had to be home by midnight (his normal curfew).
"Okay Mom. See you later".
A couple of hours later, wife calls him to check in. No answer. I call him. No answer. Maybe the music is too loud? We both text him. No answer. We try again around 11pm. Still no answer. Midnight rolls around, and no McWeedy. Finally, at 12:20am, wife calls the friend's phone. He picks up, and says "Hey <McWeedy> it's your F____G mom on my phone, dude!" wife starts in immediately. You're late "I know, but my friend hasn't started playing yet". I don't hear any music, just your friend. "We're outside in between sets". You haven't been answering your phone. "It's dead". You need to come home now. "Can't I sleep over at E___'s house?" No, we don't trust you enough yet on that.
Arguing ensues, finally wife ends by yelling that he had 20 minutes to get home. 1:00am rolls around, no McWeedy. Not answering his phone, even though I know he's making and getting calls. Friend isn't answering, girlfriend isn't answering. Nothing. Around 3:30, I call the local PD's, no reports of any injury wrecks anywhere in the county. When I said I wanted to report him as a runaway, wife chimed in and said "NO!". Finally, sometime around 4am, wife goes to sleep. McWeedy comes in around 6:30am, and simply shrugs and said "I wanted to sleep at a friend's house".
Just like that.
That was enough for me. So much for being "nice". I told him that whatever it was he wanted to do on Saturday night had better be worth what might happen to him as a result. "That s_ucks", and he goes in to shower before work.
wife showed me a text message she sent him before she fell asleapp. She said that she would never forgive him for what he was doing, after she worked so hard to defend him - even threatening divorce, and this is what she gets in return.
And yet, she still wouldn't let me call the police. Don't know what I'm going to do now. What can I do? If I do nothing, McWeedy knows he's won and will proceed to run rampant. But nothing but the threat of full nuclear holocaust on his life seems to get his attention, which wife still isn't ready to do.
And to add to the absurdity, McWeedy asked on Sunday afternoon if he could go to the lake with his girlfriend and her parents. With as much sarcasm and vitriol as I could muster, I replied "What, you're actually asking me if you can go somewhere? You aren't simply going to run of and do whatever you want regardless of what I think?" He simply shrugs, and waits for my reply.
"Go. Get the H___ out of here. Not like your asking means much anyway". Maybe I shouldn't have said it that way, but I was tired of shielding him from the damage his actions have done to the my and wife's emotions. He came home much too late to discuss his previous night's escapades, and wife's only reply when I said we needed to discuss some kind of consequences before we spoke to him was to yell at me "what can we do? Nothing!" Then she stalks out.
So, folks, there it is. You wanted an update, and you have it.
Oh, Sarge is fine. Came home the next day, seems he had some bad flu bug. 12 other cadets in his group in China got it as well after he left. He's doing great, now that he's in college. I think he's one of those people who really needed to get out of HS and into college - he's happy, motivated, and excited to go to school.
Dancer is plugging along. In school, taking three dance classes, and has become quite the social butterfly. So far, the McWeedy drama doesn't seem to be taking any more of a toll on her than it has in the last year or so. She did say something strange, though, last night. I had apologized to her for not doing some of the things I'd promised I would do, but that staying up all night really screwed up the rest of the day. She said it was okay, and I said "no, it isn't but one way or the other it will get better". She said "like when you kick him out of the house?"
I thought carefully, and replied "Maybe, but if that happens it will be because of his own choices. I can't have him deliberately ruining the rest of the family's lives with his drama". She then pouted and said "that would be sad". "What would, honey?" "If he left. I don't want him to leave....."
And that was the conundrum I took to bed with me to ponder last night.
So there it is, folks.
Mikey
Last time I was here, wife and I had just confronted McWeedy about his various extra-curricular activities (which had gone way, way off the charts). I was ready to call the police, wife threatened divorce if I did, so we ended up waiting for our first "family session" with the doctor at the study.
At that session, McWeedy and I were like two caged pit bulls chained within barking (but not biting) distance of each other. Nothing really worthwhile happened during that part of the session, other than the doctor telling me that all my "heartfelt expressions" (i.e. diatribes) missed the mark (his brain) and went straight to being a pain in another, lower part of his body. McWeedy was then excused from the rest of the session.
The second half of the session with just the doctor was a little better, but was more disturbing than helpful. He told us that McWeedy feels "alienated" in the house. I replied "he should, because that's exactly what I want. If I had my way, he'd be in jail right now, but my wife said she'd divorce me if I called the cops.".
"So, you're upset, and you want him to feel constant anger and resentment?" "Yes", I replied. "Anger is the only defense against him I have left".
That shocked him. I told him that every time I let guard down, he found a way to really kick me in the groin. I'd tried every other approach I could think of, and none of them worked. "What to you mean by 'worked'?" he asked. "Trying to get him to at least consider doing the "right thing" instead of doing whatever he felt like at the moment, without any further thought."
"What is the "right thing"?" he asked. I replied "thinking about the possible outcomes of your actions. Will you get hurt? Will someone else get hurt? Do you gain anything for what your choice costs you? Does someone else pay the price for your choice, even if you get what you want? That's what I mean by the 'right thing'".
"Ah, I see. And how, exactly, does expressing anger and resentment help your son make good choices?"
I replied "it doesn't". Queue the second shocked expression on the doctor's face. He didn't have to ask, I answered the question on his face...
"Staying angry is the only thing I have left to protect me. I've tried everything I could to get him to do the right thing, and nothing works. I've come to finally understand that my son's actions are his own, and that we don't come into the picture when he's choosing what to do. So, since he seems to mostly choose bad things in his life, and won't stop no matter how much it hurts us, all I can do is protect myself until he's either gone or changed, whichever comes first."
Now he gets it. I'm not trying to get him to do the "right thing" any more, I'm simply trying to get him to not do bad things while he's living at home and can still damage the family. And anger, threats, and a somewhat hostile environment are the only things that have worked for any length of time.
"So that explains the alienation", he said. "Yep, it sure does, and I mean him to feel that way. If he won't do the "right thing" because it's in his best interests, then at least I can scare or intimidate him into not doing bad things while he still lives at my house."
"Do you think it will work?" "So far, it has. I don't think it's permanent, but at least the house has been somewhat peaceful for the last week or so. But I know it can't last, so all I can do is maintain what little control I still have over my household while he's here, and keeping him off balance with anger is the only thing that works".
"You'll lose him that way".
"I've already lost him, at least the "him" that I wanted to know and love and be around" I replied.
And now the shocker. The doctor pulled out a hankie and started wiping his eyes - he was crying! He told us how it breaks his heart to see a kid with so much talent throw his entire life away the way McWeedy has, for nothing. It didn't last long, but it told me just how far down my son has gone into the rabbit hole. This is a man who has been working with adolescent substance abusers for 20+ years at one of the best facilities in the midwest, and he was crying for my son. I really couldn't take that for too long....
Needless to say we didn't get much else out of the remaining session time. But I think wife came away with a little more understanding of how serious the situation was.
Over the next few weeks, nothing much happened. McWeedy "seemed" to stop hanging around with his doper friends. He spent a lot of time at home, or with his girlfriend. He said he'd stopped drugging, and even offered to release the weekly drug test results to us. "Fine, but that doesn't change much, does it?" I said. wife started working on me to tone down the anger, because she felt that McWeedy was "making an effort", and I needed to respond in kind.
At first, I resisted, but as time went on and McWeedy didn't provoke any fights, I couldn't hold out. Anger takes too much out of you. And so, I started acting less angry, more supportive, and let him in just a bit.
My mistake.
For about a week, I thought that backing off was "working", i.e. things weren't getting worse. But last weekend, McWeedy informed us that he was going to the lake with his girlfriend, rather than asking. He started not answering his phone again. He started arguing with his Mom again about boundaries. Those usually ended with her telling him that he hadn't earned back our trust yet - a comment that only made things worse.
Finally, over this last weekend, things finally came to a head. McWeedy said he was going over to a friends house to work on his car, and took his girlfriend with him. Later, I saw her in front of her house, but her car was still at my house. Radar is now in full alert mode. McWeedy isn't answering his phone. Sometime later, Weedette's car disappears from in front of our house. McWeedy comes in under curfew, and when asked he said that his girlfriend got a ride back with someone.
A blatant lie, and I knew it. He got read the riot act (again) for not answering his phone, which he said was "dead" (not true, I could see calls going in and out of his phone by checking the phone company's website). Another lie. I'm starting to smell something rotten...
Saturday comes, and the family goes out to dinner - except for McWeedy, who's already eaten. At dinner, wife gets a "pity me" text from McWeedy, asking if we really knew how miserable he was since he'd stopped drugging, or were we so caught up in him being a good little boy that we just didn't notice? (that's a quote). wife replied that she thought he was doing much better lately, and that if he'd just give it some more time he might see that he's better off now than he was a month ago.
A little later he texts and asks to go to see a friend play at a "battle of the bands". Where is it? "I don't know, some local high school". And he was going with one of his stoner buddies who'd just been fired for drug use. I left it up to wife, who told him that it was a real stretch for her to trust him that much, but okay, he could go. But he HAD to keep his phone on him, it HAD to be set so he could hear or feel it, and he HAD to answer it. Oh, and he still had to be home by midnight (his normal curfew).
"Okay Mom. See you later".
A couple of hours later, wife calls him to check in. No answer. I call him. No answer. Maybe the music is too loud? We both text him. No answer. We try again around 11pm. Still no answer. Midnight rolls around, and no McWeedy. Finally, at 12:20am, wife calls the friend's phone. He picks up, and says "Hey <McWeedy> it's your F____G mom on my phone, dude!" wife starts in immediately. You're late "I know, but my friend hasn't started playing yet". I don't hear any music, just your friend. "We're outside in between sets". You haven't been answering your phone. "It's dead". You need to come home now. "Can't I sleep over at E___'s house?" No, we don't trust you enough yet on that.
Arguing ensues, finally wife ends by yelling that he had 20 minutes to get home. 1:00am rolls around, no McWeedy. Not answering his phone, even though I know he's making and getting calls. Friend isn't answering, girlfriend isn't answering. Nothing. Around 3:30, I call the local PD's, no reports of any injury wrecks anywhere in the county. When I said I wanted to report him as a runaway, wife chimed in and said "NO!". Finally, sometime around 4am, wife goes to sleep. McWeedy comes in around 6:30am, and simply shrugs and said "I wanted to sleep at a friend's house".
Just like that.
That was enough for me. So much for being "nice". I told him that whatever it was he wanted to do on Saturday night had better be worth what might happen to him as a result. "That s_ucks", and he goes in to shower before work.
wife showed me a text message she sent him before she fell asleapp. She said that she would never forgive him for what he was doing, after she worked so hard to defend him - even threatening divorce, and this is what she gets in return.
And yet, she still wouldn't let me call the police. Don't know what I'm going to do now. What can I do? If I do nothing, McWeedy knows he's won and will proceed to run rampant. But nothing but the threat of full nuclear holocaust on his life seems to get his attention, which wife still isn't ready to do.
And to add to the absurdity, McWeedy asked on Sunday afternoon if he could go to the lake with his girlfriend and her parents. With as much sarcasm and vitriol as I could muster, I replied "What, you're actually asking me if you can go somewhere? You aren't simply going to run of and do whatever you want regardless of what I think?" He simply shrugs, and waits for my reply.
"Go. Get the H___ out of here. Not like your asking means much anyway". Maybe I shouldn't have said it that way, but I was tired of shielding him from the damage his actions have done to the my and wife's emotions. He came home much too late to discuss his previous night's escapades, and wife's only reply when I said we needed to discuss some kind of consequences before we spoke to him was to yell at me "what can we do? Nothing!" Then she stalks out.
So, folks, there it is. You wanted an update, and you have it.
Oh, Sarge is fine. Came home the next day, seems he had some bad flu bug. 12 other cadets in his group in China got it as well after he left. He's doing great, now that he's in college. I think he's one of those people who really needed to get out of HS and into college - he's happy, motivated, and excited to go to school.
Dancer is plugging along. In school, taking three dance classes, and has become quite the social butterfly. So far, the McWeedy drama doesn't seem to be taking any more of a toll on her than it has in the last year or so. She did say something strange, though, last night. I had apologized to her for not doing some of the things I'd promised I would do, but that staying up all night really screwed up the rest of the day. She said it was okay, and I said "no, it isn't but one way or the other it will get better". She said "like when you kick him out of the house?"
I thought carefully, and replied "Maybe, but if that happens it will be because of his own choices. I can't have him deliberately ruining the rest of the family's lives with his drama". She then pouted and said "that would be sad". "What would, honey?" "If he left. I don't want him to leave....."
And that was the conundrum I took to bed with me to ponder last night.
So there it is, folks.
Mikey