Thank you so much for sharing. It helps so much to be able to talk to someone. How is your son doing now? At what age did he start with weed? Has he progressed to other drugs? It's helpful to know others experiences and if you could go back, what would you do differently?
I will continue to watch his money closely, and no I never give him any money, urine test him and search his room weekly. I did order a hair test and some surface test wipes. I'll be able to wipe his phone when he gets home and this test is supposed to pick up any residue, even when it cannot be seen. I'm determined to stop this!!
Our son will be 18 in October. You can search my user name on the site and track my posts. Please do not get down and dispondent with what I am about to say.
Littleboylost says a lot about the frame of mind I was in when I joined this forum. It should have said Littlemamalost
My son started experimentin with weed in grade 9 was hard core by grade 11 and into other substances in his grade 12 SR year. He was also selling. He is currently addicted to anything and everything. He has psychotic breaks. He has been out of our home numerous times for breaking rules and refusing rehab. He is currently with us and it is hell. Pure hell! We are waiting for a bed in rehab that we have coralled him into signing consent for. I am in On Canada and they have to consent to treatment and can sign themselves out of treatment. We did this by having him arrested for bringing pot and cocaine into our home and advertising selling from our home. He refused rehab so we put him out. He agreed to rehab on an outpatient basis (not nearly enough for this kid). He broke house rules and continued to do drugs in our home. We rescinded his bail and he was in open custody for 4 days. A youth associattion holds his bail and bailed him out. They pleaded with us to take him home, we did. He ODd, we put him in in patient detox and rehab and he signed himself out we would not let him come home. He begged and pleaded and agreed to increase his rehab to intensive visits. We let him back home.
He was using drugs again refused a urine test and we put him out again. He was arrested high on Street grade Xanax bars stealing from cars and homes. He could have gone to a shelter, we asked him to come with us on vacation to a cottage for a week to clear his mind. He refused to do either. His choices his consequences. He begged to come home and we said consent to intensive in patient rehab or No way. He consented.
Present day he is in our home. We no longer try to prevent him from doing drugs, he can't on his own and we are frazzled and exhausted. We drug test to prove to him that he is not clean, as evidence for the need for rehab. He is unstable and volatile, Him being here will not last long, it is bound to be a train wreck any day now. It is not sustainable for us on an emotional or physicals level.
No one wants there child in a shelter or on the street. There are currently no other options. We have a 1-4 month wait for a rehab bed. No way this is lasting another week let alone a month. He is too unstable for assisted housing or short term foster care and that would end in 8 weeks anyway.
Our rehab counselor, the youth officer from the local police and his bail officer are preparing a petition to the crown (DA). This petition would put him into a rehab bed as soon as the next one becomes available.
He also has Conduct Disorder, which I confess I knew nothing about. He could be the poster child! We have never had him clean enough for a proper psychiatric evaluation. Is it all the drugs , is it behaviour and that behavior drove him to drugs? Hard to say and perhaps we will never know. He may have a psychiatric disorder but until he is clean, there is no way to know.
What I would have done differently. I would not have spent so much time thinking it was a phase and gently educating him. I would take the approach your taking militant NO!! Would it have worked? Maybe, who knows, I would do anything to turn back time and stop the drugs.
I would have placed him in a private a school. Others have done this some have had success others not.
I would have not put myself into a spiral of denial and guilt.
I would have sought out therapy for myself and husband specifically naranon (I go on line my local group is a lunch bag let down), and support forums such as this. I would have met so many many wonderful helpful people so much sooner!
You will find new ones like us here, and Trojans of the drug and disorders war: who are on there second generation go around with addiction in grandchildren.
I would have put him in rehab at 15 when he had no choice if he did not stop smoking weed.
I would have been so much more relentless and militant. Would it have made a difference. Who knows.
The most important things I have leaned is
I didn't cause the addiction
I can not control the addiction
I can't cure the addiction
Also learning how to detach with love.
Setting boundaries
Not giving in with guilt and not blaming.
Not to Enable. Some of the things we did I SMH
Please share this story with your son. I don't believe thene is a gateway drug. I believe addiction is the perfect storm of genetic predisposition and opportunity. Not every one who does drive or alcohol becomes addicted. Not every one who abusers drugs or alcohol in their life time becomes addicted. But that 20% that do is my bucket. Our son.
The hell and torment are indescribable. I was so depressed I even thought of taking my own life from guilt and shame. When you feel like that, get your butt to a doctor and get help!!
I could not remember the last time I had laughed. Really laughed. I do that again now. So my final word of advice is don't go down the rabbit hole with the addiction and the addict. Take care of yourself. This is very critical. Worry won't change a thing but the state of your own health.
Will rehab help. I don't know. If it doesn't we know we will ask our young adult son to leave our home and this time for good. We will have nothing left to provide him. We will not enable him. He will know what process to put in place richer help when he chooses it. If he is clean and sober we will welcome him with open arms.
We will always love him, never abandon him, and learn to accept that it is what it is. Some say let go and let God. I believe we are accountable for our own choices and our own journey. I am a science buff. I don't follow a specific religion. I am not offended by any religion. I pray, I just pray to what ever is out there driving this Big Blue Ball.
Educate yourself, don't exaust yourself, build a good network of resources. Take care of yourself.