Cautious but hopeful.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by 4now, Oct 24, 2016.

  1. 4now

    4now Member

    Well my oldest who is bipolar/addict was recently sentenced for attempted burglary for trying to kick a local bar/liquor store door open after hours. He took a plea deal and was given 15 months plus time served. He sat in jail over 4 months because he couldn't make bail. He was given probation and released and made it 2 days before he was back in jail for using meth on probation.

    The good news is that his probation officer actually contacted me and listened to what I had to say. She kept him in jail and got him into residential treatment. He has been there for three weeks with another week to go.

    He seems to be doing well and we can see a glimmer of the person he was prior to the meth use. He is also on the correct medication for his bipolar and not self medicating and seems pretty stable.

    It feels a little like a miracle and I am cautiously optimistic. He told me Sunday during our visit that he is going to a half way house/sober living center when he gets released and has even worked it out to stay in treatment until a spot opens up for him.

    He is 35 years old and if you had told me in January that we would be here I don't think I would have believed it. Just wanted to share some positive news for a change.
     
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  2. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    4now, that is really good news (sad that it had to be done via the correctional system but a win is a win)! I'm glad that his probation officer spoke with you and then got him into treatment. That is half of the battle.

    It must be nice to see the change for the better in your son. Glad he is focusing on staying in treatment and then planning for the future. I hope he can see this through.

    Keep us posted!
     
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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It is my hope and prayer that he will truly embrace this sobriety. Thanks for sharing!

    ((HUGS)) to you..................
     
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  4. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Wonderful news! I was not fond of a particular governor when I lived in Florida, EXCEPT, because his children, nieces and nephews were in the news with very public drug issues, the courts tried harder. Lots of sentences for rehab.

    Around me now, in another state, I see young people getting prison time, when they need to go to rehab.

    Wishing you the best!!!!
     
  5. 4now

    4now Member

    Thanks everyone. I am happy he's there regardless of how he got there. I am trying to just take it One day at a time.
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I too am hopeful that this is a turning point for your son and for your family.

    It is never too late to change. I am glad your son is on the proper medication and I know from my own experience how gratifying it is when the real person shows up after years of being concealed or obliterated by drugs and mental illness.

    I hope this good outcome progresses to become more and more for him and for your family.
     
  7. 4now

    4now Member

    Unfortunately, I just called the sober living house and found out he didn't come back there overnight. I have to admit I'm crushed. I really thought he had such a good start and was sincere. It's his life and his choice but I am so sad that he left the sober living house. Now my mind is on did he OD? Etc.. I'm sure he's laying low because of probation but my mind is full of worry.
     
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    4now, I am sorry. Of course you are afraid.
    He well could have been. How many times have we read here on this site how relapse is a part of recovery? There seems to be no other way for most people.

    I was not posting when you began as a member so I do not know your back story beyond your signature, but I want to tell you a hopeful story.

    Anthony Bourdain, the famous chef and TV star was a heroin addict for most of his adult life, maybe 25 years or so. From what I know he led a degraded and desperate life without limits and grounding. Although he did work as a chef, a career that seemed to reinforce his dissolute lifestyle rather than help him. (Forgive me, Tony if I am exaggerating for the sake of my narrative.)

    He talks some about his heroin addiction on his CNN show. In fact there was an episode that took place in Western Massachusetts where he went to a NA meeting, and spoke.

    I am unaware that he has a mental illness like do our own sons, but he well could.

    This is a process. I believe our sons will survive and they will find their way. As far as myself? I am less sure.

    Take care.
     
  9. 4now

    4now Member

    Well he called from a crisis stabilization unit. He says he checked his self in after using alcohol. He is there voluntarily and wont be able to go back to the sober living house for 2-3 weeks now. I'm grateful that he stopped now. I'm still worried about his using again but I can't control the outcome so I'm trying to just deal with the current situation.
     
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    4now I went back and read some of your first posts and then some sporadically thereafter.

    While it may feel to you that things keep backsliding, for a third party reading your posts it is surely not the case. First, your son took a concrete and very difficult step to change himself, qualitatively different from going to the ER or begging/manipulating you and others. This cannot be undone, whether he left or not. He did it. There is no turning back because he is the one who voluntarily admitted himself, as I understand it.
    So much of what you write is like our situation. The explosive behavior, the escalation to violence. My son would call the cops to get US thrown in jail, indifferent about the consequences to us (I am a professional with a license; my SO is an undocumented immigrant.) Once he gave M, my SO, a black eye and had him pinned to the floor. And then he called the cops to get US thrown in jail!
    And this too. Manipulating us with threats to kill himself. Over and over again.

    That said, I do not believe my son has used Meth, although I feared it.

    There are millions of meth users who stop, but it is one of the hardest of drugs to quit. Partly because it changes brain chemistry and without it the brain mimics serious symptoms of mental illness--including hallucinations. There is a great deal of fear, anxiety, and sometimes, depression, associated with stopping, as well as the psychosis, which can last for years but typically fades.

    That said, many, many people quit. I live in a place that is rampant with meth, as it is on the highway where it is transported up and down the state and to other parts of the US. It has been rampant here for 25 years that I know of and still is. I tell you this because my community is full of people who have quit, many of them mentally ill. I see their faces--marked by years of use--and can tell by how they act and what they do--that they are clean. I admire them so much.

    So what is the summary statement here, from this long post? There are a couple.

    What your son is doing is hard, hard, hard. It is particularly hard for somebody bipolar because the manic phase can sometimes be perceived as pleasurable--and the depressive phase intolerable. Who among us can really say that they would have the strength and fortitude to face this head on?

    But many, many people have and do.

    Second summary statement: You, like me, are balancing on a beam like a gymnast, holding our breath, eyes closed, in prayer--waiting, waiting, for our children to decide to keep themselves safe. Who in the world could live like this? And yet we do. For years, and years, we do it. Can you imagine what this is doing to your health, let alone mental health? And you, with a 12 year old?

    Nobody could or should live like this. And we do.

    I will say two more things, personal things. They may or they may not apply to you.

    First. After my mother died 3 years ago most everybody here knows that I became profoundly depressed and stayed in bed. I have a profession. Actually I am a psychologist. There is no way I could or would work, although I am very, very good at what I do and it gives me a great deal of meaning and self-esteem. What I did was buy stuff. For two years that is how I coped. (During these years my son was largely homeless and it is when many of the difficult events I have described above, occurred.)

    I could not work or do anything purposeful in my life so I imagined lives and I bought the "props" that I would need to do those things: Fishing poles, bait, looms, yarn--black yard waste bags full of all types, embroidery thread, hoops, spinning wheels, sleeping bags, tents, porta potty, thermometer for, what is it called, when you put your rotten vegetables--oh yes--compost. Oil, water color and acrylic paint, pastels, fountain pens, easels. Yes. Maybe 5 or 6. And dancing shoes: to tango, salsa, for Jazz and ballet. Then I bought clothes, scarves, jewelry. The problem? I virtually never left the house. Every single thing was imaginary.

    Thing two, I want to say: I did go back to work and I did beautifully, except it was virtually all I could do. I worked 3 months, and stopped.

    I am on the cusp of establishing a private practice.

    And tonight? I am thinking I may be making a mistake. I was reading the Medicaid rules about everything. And thinking about the burden of it all. And I wondered to myself, why?

    So how does this relate to you?

    However crazy I seemed to myself and to everybody else as I was buying all of that junk, I was doing something profound. (And it is hard to say that because I have a great deal of shame and regret about it--I went through a whole lot of money, that I really do need.)

    Perhaps until I realized that doing for myself and putting myself in the center of my world was the essential and necessary thing--I needed to keep buying junk. I was a very, very slow learner.

    Our kids are just that. Our kids. We are here for ourselves. I will not become religious here, but the bible tells us this. In Genesis. I will try to look for the passage. We serve G-d by becoming our true selves. And our sons will find their own godliness in the same way. I know to those secular types who "know" me must think I have gone off the reservation, but I believe truly that everything that is good is served by your own self-care and by finding something, many things that fuel you and give you joy and contentment and meaning.

    Our sons will live and die. That is the truth. (You know my child is ill, with a mortal illness. I know from which I speak.)

    Of course we want them to thrive and to be fine and content and happy and productive. We cannot hinge on their doing so. Only they can and must. We must thrive and be who we need to be, and that is joyful and free.

    Forgive me. I do not mean to either lecture or minimize here. G-d knows I do not. I am trying to find myself, and the direction in which I need to go. Your posts are helping me find my own way. I hope some part of this helps.
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2016
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am thrilled for you. And for him. And I feel your pride in him and your relief!!!!!!! How great is this!!!!!!

    He could have stayed out for months!!!!! He chose not to. Good for him!!!
     
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    PS. If I could, I would stop calling there. No news is good news. Look. He left and nearly as soon as he did, he returned. Let him be, that is what I say. He is doing this!!!!