Cgfg's 8th grade graduation

[Shari]

is coming up. Its not so much a graduation anymore as just a ceremony "promoting" them to the high school.

Having stepped out of her school junk, and knowing the bs that's going on, I really cant decide if I want to go or not. Ok, that's not true. I don't want to go. She has failing grades in 2 classes again so far just this quarter. Knowing this district, they will pass her; but highly likely they shouldn't. It frustrates me to no end. She never has homework. She can make up every test or quiz that she gets below a C on, but has never made up a single one. She refused to go to tutoring.... It would be one thing if she were trying and failing, but she's not trying. Not one iota. And I want no part of "supporting" or otherwise "promoting" it.

Thoughts? Shut up and go to the thing?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Shari -
I'd take the "20 years from now" view... and shut up and go.
Its the small stuff like this that complicates relationships when our kids grow up.

Its not HER fault that the school will promote her anyway. And its obviously not YOUR fault either.

So, put on a smile, enjoy the show, snap lots of pics (and then put them away for 20 years...).

(and then take a deep breath and get ready for the tidal wave called high school - been there done that this year)

 

[Shari]

I've survived two boys going thru high school. And I am dreading this child 10 times worse than those two, and Wee after that, because he's watching her set the stage for him (and the rules will be different for him - well, wait....they already ARE different for him...)

 

[Marguerite]

Shut up and go. It seems to be a feature of the school system (here, too) that kids don't fail. I was amazed that difficult child 3 passed last year. And yesterday his Year Advisor came to speak to me, and let slip that students have to really work hard, to fail. The scores are graded so a kid who gets 10% gets their mark scaled up to a passing grade in the state-based exam system.

So why should they bother? And what value is a school qualification?

it's not the kid's fault, if the system is teaching them that they can skate by and still graduate.

Marg

 

[AnnieO]

I've determined that many school systems, to maintain their NCLB status, are passing kids that they shouldn't. Lowest common denominator and all. (And the kids that are smart (not just intelligent, mind) and TRY? Are bored.

Yeah, go - take pictures. Roll your eyes mentally... But don't let anyone else see...

 

[Marcie Mac]

I am with the shut up and go crowd. Her not doing the work is on her mother and her passing when she shouldn't is on the S.D. Not to mention your two brooms won't have any fodder to start flapping their gums, saying "Boy, that Shari..mmmm....mmm...mmmm" and then you have to deal with that irritating stuff. (I know you don't care much about their running their mouths, but still, its just the idea that one would be a topic of conversation of people you don't like)

Its a whole different ball game when you get to highschool and she will find out soon enough she can't be a slacker when it comes to grades

Marcie

 

[Shari]

Oh, but she can be a slacker in high school too. And that's kinda my beef with it. I didn't let the boys do what she's doing, even tho they could have (and tried - they were real children, after all), and I don't plan to let Wee slack off, either.

The boys had to meet the school's minimum requirements to participate in extra curricular activities, even though not everything they did was through the school. I already don't do that with her. easy child 1 and difficult child 1 would have never gone to a rodeo with failing grades; and I take her to shooting competitions, and it really bugs me to have one set of rules for one kid, and a different set for the others, even though Wee is expected to listen to husband as a parent.

 

[KTMom91]

Shut up and go. She'll remember only that you weren't there, and hold it against you.

 

[susiestar]

You simply have to step back on the school stuff. When she is an adult iwth kids of her own who are doing what she is, she MAY realize how much you care for her and how hard you worked to try to get her to learn. Then again, she may not. Either way, you will only upset yourself if you try to get her to follow the same rules your other kids must follow. She has way too many people in her life who are happy to let her do as she pleases. in my opinion this is NOT love in any way, shape or form. Love is caring enough to make them do what they need to do whether they want to or not. It is something far different from love, most likely indifference or just not giving a hoot, to let them do as they please so long as you are not bothered. THAT is what her mother, father, gma and teachers are doing. One step parent who only sees her a few days a week is NOT able to change that. If her father truly loved her he would have fought for full custody after the mother and gma let her get away with not doing any work at school/home for so long. Of course, I don't know that he really has a clue how to be involved in anyone's life and that is very sad to me.

If you want to go, go. If you don't want to go or are sick, you have a perfectly acceptable reason for not going - you are tired, your foot hurts etc... I would NOT tell her you see nothing to celebrate in her being promoted to high school. Mostly because it will be a waste of your time and energy.

I am not sure I think you should attend. in my opinion it would be a waste of your time and maybe even be thought of as a sort of passive "acceptance" of her going to high school as a good thing. I jsut don't think it is worth making a big deal about. I would NOT give a gift or card. Not make any statement either good or bad about it. She sure has enough people to tell her how wonderful she is. Sadly, she KNOWS on some level that she hasn't earned anything and probably has pretty lousy self esteem because she doesn't think she is capable of working for anything. No one has ever demanded she do any work, and with-o working you don't make any accomplishments. Some part of ehr knows this.

High school is going to be a NIGHTMARE with this child at least for you. Chances are that her mother and maybe even gma will not even notice unless/until she has a baby or gets taken to jail by the police. Try to disengage and remind yourself that though she is in your home on a regular basis, she is NOT your child. Tell Wee that while you care for her, you cannot make her follow the rules and her bad behavior is not something he can get away with. he has different parents and the standards are set higher for him because he CAN meet them, he is able to behave better, work harder, and achieve more than she is. THAT is why he has different rules.

 

[Jena]

hi

you said she had failing grades in 2 classes. so she is passing the others?? i'd just go......... you taking a stand over this wont' solve anything.

i get the emotion behind it yet ya gotta pick your battles and causes as you know

(hugs) yup never easy...... yet never dull

 

[Shari]

I have stepped back, Susie. And I told her I was...because of the stories. I didn't have time to chase her lies anymore. I told her once in the fall I was proud of her for largely keeping up with her work the first half of the first quarter when the first grade checks were sent home. That's been it. I've said nothing else to her. I happened to have gotten an email with her grades just before 2 brooms was here praising her for the honor roll, and I simply told husband then, I don't want to hear about it. She's failing...there's nothing to praise her for...keep it out of our house or at least out of my earshot. I don't wanna hear it.

If I didn't go, I wouldn't tell a soul the real reason why. It certainly wouldn't be a "stand" or a "statement" to anyone else. It would simply be for myself...if I am going to remain married to husband, I have to find a way to live with this bs, in my own mind and skin; its like her band concerts that we stopped going to. She refused to practice, she was failing BAND for crying out loud (how do you fail band), every year, she'd say she hated it, fight about going to the concert (because she didn't want to) and wanted to quit, but then never fail 3 days later she'd enroll for the next year, and her mom would say "well, maybe this year will be better" - those last 2 years we didn't even bother going to the concert. She couldn't play the instrument, anyway. And if I do go, I won't be doing the whole "I'm so proud of you" thing. I told her I was proud of her the first quarter when she largely kept up with her work. Ain't said a word since.

And Susie, that's exactly it...I believe silence is acceptance. So I go, and my stomach churns as grandma gives her yet another $20 for all her hard work...blah blah blah...I can hide a lot....I can't hide my disgust with that woman any more, no matter how hard I try.

husband isn't big on this stuff....I'm hoping HE just won't want to go, and I can follow suit.

And yes, Jena, she is below passing in 2 classes, but she's on the B honor roll. Figure that one out.

PS - husband told her to make koolaid last night. She got the pitcher, poured the packet in, an stirred. He asked if she was going to put sugar in it. "Oh" she said "didn't know it needed that". So she got out the sugar, which has a 3/4 cup scoop in it. She absent-mindedly scooped 2 heaping scoops into the koolaid then asked husband if that was enough. He told her to read the directions. She looked at them a bit, then just put stuff away. I promise you she does not know that 3/4 + 3/4 = 1 1/2 cups, nor did she make any attempt to figure it out.

A few weeks ago she was playing Guess Who with Wee. Its a little kids' game with cards of different people's pictures. Each person draws a card and you have to figure out who the other person has by process of elimination (is your person a boy or a girl? do they have blue eyes? etc til you figure out which person they are). Wee narrowed her person down to 2 people, and she was neither of them. They started to argue so I stepped in and was asking her questions...She'd told Wee her person was a girl when he asked earlier in the game, so I asked her to just tell me who her person was. She replied "M-A-T-T". She spelled it to me. She didn't read it, and hadn't read it. And that's how she functions...

I should probably go, but I really don't want to. Allowing this to happen to her should be criminal. And I'm not upset with her. When she's 20 and expects me to fill her gas tank, I will be.