Chaos on Saturday morning with-difficult child and easy child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Apr 14, 2012.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    difficult child flat out refused to go to baseball practice this a.m. He said he didn't care if I turned off the Internet since he was playing a store bought game by himself anyway.
    As I was making myself tea in the kitchen, figuring out Plan B to get his butt off the chair, easy child called, crying. Tue eve, she was invited to a sorority event that was explained as being a bonding event. She entered a room with-other juniors, they were all blindfolded, the lights were turned out, and the two srs in charge left the room.
    For 2 hrs.
    Then they came back and started kicking doors and walls while easy child was trying to figure out what was going on (sounds like Nazi intimidation tactics to me) and then screamed and yelled at all the girls that they shouldn't be talking about other sorority members and that they had to admit pubicly what they had been saying. When the girls said, "Huh?" or "Um," they were yelled at and intimidated more. When they got to easy child, she admitted that she had talked about one of her roommates, S, "Because she's racist."
    The 2 srs laughed and said, "Oh, everybody knows that."
    S is white. difficult child is mixed-black. easy child and S have gotten into several arguments and easy child has called me in tears on more than one occasion because she is so fed up with-this person.
    Long story short, she was humiliated and angry, so she finally confronted the 2 srs last night. They live in the apt next to hers.
    They had been drinking and they blew her off. "Oh, we've been through worse than that. Get used to it."
    She explained that blindfolding people, leaving them in the dark for 2 hrs, and yelling at them is not a bonding experience.
    They blew her off.
    She told them she was deeply hurt and disappointed, and left. Her boyfriend, K, was downstairs and saw her crying. She told him they had blown her off and he ran upstairs, barged into the room, and read them the riot act. (Yeaaah K!!!)

    She had held it in all wk, not knowing what to do, and finally it blew up last night, and then she felt safer calling me this a.m.
    easy child wants to quit her sorority (never mind that she started 2 clubs on her own, and has done a great deal of fundraising) and I told her to make the 2 girls quit instead, and that I would write to the pres on campus and withhold dues and donations.

    She has a mtng at 4 today with-her.

    Meanwhile, husband calls on the house phone, and I've got easy child crying on the cell ph, and I told him to come home immediately because difficult child would not go to baseball, and easy child was upset and he needed to talk to her. Within 2 min, difficult child jumped up out of his chair and started getting dressed. Say what?

    Turns out that husband told him he could either go to baseball practice, or clean up the shoreline in our yard for 3 hrs. :hapydancsmil:

    So husband came home, difficult child was dressed and ready to go, we all got in the car, and easy child repeated most the story to husband.

    Right now, husband is cleaning up the shoreline, and I'm kvetching to you all.
    Thanks for listening.
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2012
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I have happily been a member of a National sorority since I was 17 (as you know I'm 71) and I want you to know that "sometimes" stupid stuff happens when there is not enough adult supervision BUT "if" it happens once (and basically is just falt out dumb) it does not indicate a life pattern. Something almost exactly that stupid happened when I pledged my sorority in the 50's, ONE pledge took it to heart and the rest of us had to talk her out of resigning right then and there. It was dumb. What happened with your daughter was dumb. on the other hand if there are no other indications of problems...I'd suggest she chalk it up to dumb college stuff....period. If a 2nd incidence occurs...walk.

    Truly I can't tell you how much I benefited from my membership. Even today I am still in touch with a few of my sorority sisters and although we are not near in location I trust them. No matter where you move as an adult you have an instant network of possible friends. The good side of a "good" sorority can provide support until the day you die. I hope your daughter's experience was just one of those dumb college things.

    Meanwhile...Way To Go, husband. Geez isn't life interesting as a parent? LOL DDD
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I agree with DDD. If it's a one-time thing and there was no hazing, I would let it go. If it happens again, it's a pattern that NEEDS to be broken.

    Good for husband for dealing with difficult child. That is awesome to have someone else to deal with some of this difficult child koi. On the other hand, it would have been nicer if husband had told you about his ultimatum to difficult child. It could have saved a lot of frustration on your part if you could've "reminded" difficult child of husband's deal.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, I reminded her that my mom's sorority sisters came to visit after my mom got cancer and that they are by your side until the end. I suggested that these two "women" were rogue. But she has had problems with-other sisters ... the one who is racist ... and last year, when she was the designated driver, and some sisters called easy child's cell phone and told her to wait for them at a house, which they never went to ... and it took her until 4 a.m. to figure it out. :( There are other stories, but you get the idea.

    Yeah, Way To Go, husband!!!!!
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I think sororities can be great but that is wrong. Not just stupid but really hurtful. No reason to do such things for bonding. It is sick and twisted. I will never understand some of the stories from frats and sororities over stuff like this. My best friend was in a sorority at Northwestern and she said she thinks what happens these days is just sick. She would never stay and wont let her kids be a part of it if it is like that.

    I think your easy child is amazing for standing up for what she thinks is right. THAT is what will get her through in life.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I would never suggest to any of my high school or college age children that they stay loyal to "the team" or "the club" IF they felt uncomfortable. I grew up in a family with five different "Greek" affiliations that ended up being eight after marriages. Two fraternities made "one time" poor choices (in the 50's) and my sorority made their one stupid choice.
    on the other hand I served as an alum advisor and alum officer for decades and was quite surprised to find that team sports hazing has become more prevalent...including inappropriate sexual hazing in the past twenty years. Even living in the middle of nowhere for the past thirty plus years I personally now know that alot of bright, accomplished, healthy young men get "broken" by hazing. My difficult child#1 was not sexually molested but his head was messed with to the point that he ended up going from easy child to a difficult child with an arrest record. It's hard to find the "right" line to take but I would never too strongly encourage participation in any group...sad to say. DDD
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I pledged a sorority when I was in college, too. Most of it was pretty fun! But it was EXPENSIVE. Most of the girls did not have to work - I did - and I finally ended up quitting. Just too different.
  8. keista

    keista New Member

    I've got a current local news story fresh in my mind here regarding hazing. It wasn't even a frat or sorority, but the marching band. The boy died.

    ANYWAY...this doesn't even sound like hazing. It sounds like two seniors abusing their status and getting their kicks by abusing current members. I would definitely encourage easy child to make complaints about these girls and try to get them kicked out. easy child can leave if she wants, but the complaints should be filed.

    Also, just a word of advice to easy child. Next time she needs to confront someone, do NOT do it while they are drinking. You will never come to an acceptable resolution with drunk ppl.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree, that easy child should get the girls kicked out, even though school gets out in 1 mo. I told her that sororities are forever, so it's not just college stuff.
    And I agree, that talking to them while they were drunk (again) was dumb. I guess it was just bothering her so much, she couldn't wait. Then again, if those girls are always like that, there is no good time.

    She has two award ceremonies and a parents' brunch tomorrow, to which we are driving, so we all have to put on fake happy face smiles. Sigh. 3 hr drive there, sit through two ceremonies, 3 hr drive home. :kickme:

    Meanwhile, difficult child is going to be home alone and he might have his girlfriend's mom pick him up so he can go over to their house. We told him he HAS to call if he leaves the house. I also have a list of chores for him to do ... I will hide the TV cord so he will have to call us no matter what. :)
    I'm calling our landscaper friend, W, to check on difficult child, too.
  10. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    Sounds like some form of hazing or abuse of power to me. I would file a complaint and let the appropriate school authorities sort it out. These 2 seniors should be expelled from the sorority for life if found guilty and if they acted alone. If their behavior was sanctioned by the overall group, the group itself should be disciplined.

    My daughter is also a college junior but she is not in a sorority. At her school, there are no Greek houses, kids live in dorms or off campus but there are no specialized houses. She refused to join any sorority although she was heavily recruited by a couple.

    I, personally, have never understood the lure of the Greek life. I've never been much of a joiner and partying never appealed to me.

    As for your D, I hope that the situation works out as she wants it to.