There was a book I read once that talked about the way it feels when a relationship ends. We question ourselves most strongly then AND RESPOND TO OURSELVES BASED ON OLD, PUNISHING PATTERNS.
It is just like when any of us realized our kids were using drugs. Initially, we blamed ourselves ~ our parenting, our tempers, our neighborhoods or neigbors or hairstyles.
It went on and on.
We needed to learn that it was not about us.
Our children had, probably because of some genetic something, become addicted.
There was no way we could love them out of it or judge them out of it or shame or humor them out of it.
Because addiction is not about us.
What your husband is doing is not about you, Karen. As one of the others of us said, your husband is doing what men who are not able to comunicate (which first requires that we tell ourselves the truth) do.
They make the other person weaker, so they can win.
It seems to me that your husband is doing what he always did to keep you off balance. YOU were cold. YOU were a drinker. YOU were ten thousand other things he may have forgotten to mention again because it did not bother you when he did so the first time.
If you tell him anything, I think you should tell HIM the truth.
That if he wants to save this marriage, he had best get really honest, really fast because you are tired of being married all by yourself and would like to find a man to be married with.
And that you intend to do JUST that, when you are ready, because you have always wanted to be married to someone you can laugh with, and have joy with, and have wonderful dinners with ~ and you have been married all your life to someone who just cannot cut it.
Give him a time limit and watch him come running home before it is up.
Men do not think like we do.
It seems to me (because I have been in that same position :bag: ) that when we are having problems with the kids, our relationships to our husband's get put on hold ~ not the sex part, but the clearing the air, laying down the law, "where you ever got the idea you could treat me like that and park your self anywhere near here is beyond me" part.
husband's push for those kinds of boundaries.
At least, my husband does.
If I don't think I am worth fighting for, neither does he.
If I do not question the judgments my husband makes about me and, after figuring out whether whatever he said was justified, give my husband the old Come To Jesus, his comments get nastier and nastier.
My self esteem goes swirling down the toilet, and pretty soon, I can't see straight enough to realize husband was wrong to say such things to begin with.
Just as your husband is wrong to say such things.
If those things were true things, it would be too painful for your husband to use them to win, now.
Tell husband that when he is ready to talk about soething that matters, you will talk to him. Tell him that if he would like to discuss all the wonderful sex he has been having in your house, to go ahead and use his time with you to do just that ~ and then, accept the consequences, because you have just about had it with him.
If he still doesn't get it, tell him THAT is why you are divorcing him.
Not because he had sex ~ who cares really, except for the risk of disease?
But because he never knew the difference between a wife and a
.
And you want a man who does.
And you know what?
You deserve better than a husband, or an exDH, who spends even one second trying to tear you down.
Shame on him.
You would think he was two.
Barbara
