Checking in: The Good, The Bad & the Ugly

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by STILLjustamom, Nov 5, 2007.

  1. STILLjustamom

    STILLjustamom New Member

    I've been checkin in occasionally, lurking and seeking a bit of help in the SSI forum. Now thought it was time I updated you all.
    C has been out of prison since July. So much has happened and I thought it was going pretty well up to this past week. Here it is in a nutshell:
    The Good:
    He went through an outpatient program upon release. Is seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist and is being consistent with medications. Is driving again and being responsible in that area.
    He was approved for disability & SSI! He is on food stamps. He lives at home and seems o.k. with that for now.
    The Bad:
    After starting out with good intentions of not drinking or smoking pot, he has started up again (mostly the drinking). He has been good in the sense that he doesn't drive when he drinks (at least so far).
    The Ugly: "Revealed" to us last week after a therapy session that he wants to take hormones and grow breasts. But says if that "doesn't work out" he will just "stay as he is". ???!!!!????
    He has never in the past shown ANY inclinaton that he had a gender issue. He actually even told his sister that he has given up on girls because he can't find a girlfriend.
    He took an entire box of Coricidin HBP yesterday and was high as a kite. Lucky he didn't overdose or go into seizures, according to poison control.
    I honestly think this gender thing is just his latest "fantasy" and identity problem (he thought he was a gansta rapper when he got out of prison, that passed). So I am just thinking this will pass with time too. I would like to think he could live alone, but I am worried that he will be so lonely and isolated that he will just go downhill. He needs support but husband is NOT happy about this gender thing. He says if son starts cross dressing he will kick him out.
    Couldn't it just be easy?
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    UGH! I wish I had some words of encouragement. I understand your feelings of wondering if this will pass. It sounds like yet another long journey for him. Not exactly the one that you were hoping for, I'm sure.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Oh honey...I would almost laugh at this if it wasnt so pathetic. Is there a slim chance that he has any borderline traits? Gender issues are huge there. Also taking on ANY identity just to try and belong somewhere. When you are empty inside you have to fill up with something ya know?

    I want to tell you this too will pass with time but I cant. It took me years to go through some of my more interesting fazes.

    Does he go to therapy? Ok you said he does. What kind of therapy is it? DBT would be ideal for him honestly.

    PM me if I can be of any help, OK.
  4. STILLjustamom

    STILLjustamom New Member

    What is DBT? As far as borderline, I wouldn't doubt it. It seems like he has to try and create some kind of crisis as a way of getting our attention/love/whatever. At least it seems that way. His sister is an overachiever and everytime she comes home for the weekend and then leaves something happens. This time the pills, last time a drunk bender. They get along great though and he loves her being around. It just must be hard for him to find something to call his own. I keep reminding myself he is ill. That is how I'm dealing with this at the moment.
  5. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    I don't know what his experience was like in prison. So, this is a huge leap - but if he was in any type of homosexual relationship while in prison (which is very, very common) perhaps it messed up his mind in regard to gender issues. Especially given the fact that this is a new desire so fresh out of the prison system.

    Hyper sexuality can also be a very common symptom of the bipolar diagnosis. Do you think he appears manic in other ways??

    I'm sorry. I'm sure you were hoping for 'smooth sailing' when he got out.
  6. Chele

    Chele New Member

    I don't know your past or his past but just thought I would share some things to consider. My son, ADD and ODD has had many self image and esteem issues that we are trying to deal with. As you probably know, this is why many people with duel diagnosis turn to drugs to function or self medicate.

    What scares me is that he is turning to drugs again to deal with life.

    I think I would try to focus on being supportive and help him to make positive changes in his life. Continue with therapy, medication management, show him how much you love him. As long as he follows your house rules etc, I think I would try to focus on the root cause of his issues.

    I personally would rather my son be responsible, safe, happy and drug free with a gender change, then have him dead or in jail for 25 years to life for vehicular homicide.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I ditto Janet. Sounds like borderline stuff to me.

    This whole gender thing is soooooo not what you needed right now. Hopefully this interest will pass quickly seeing as how he hasn't shown any inclination in this direction before.

  8. STILLjustamom

    STILLjustamom New Member

    I could cope with the gender issue if I really thought it was something he was serious about, but I have my doubts. What really doesn't help any of this is that husband has started to be a real PITA about C. He not only makes thoughtless comments to him, but tends to take it out on me as well. Doesn't help the situation at all. I don't know what is wrong with him.
    We talked last night about getting him a mobile home on the lot we own next door. He would have his own place but still close enough to keep an eye on him. The other option is to find him a place to live in the city (about 20 minutes away).
    Guess we are taking it one day at a time at the moment.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I could cope with the gender issue if I really thought it was something he was serious about, but I have my doubts. </div></div>

    If he has until now not show any even small signs of an inclination for gender issues, I'd be hesitant to say the least with supporting him on this one. Because if it's anything like one of Nichole's "borderline moments" his desire for it could change tomorrow, next week, or a few months from now. Depending on how long it'd take the borderline moment to pass, he could be halfway thru the hormone and rest of the process before realizing it's not something he was serious about.

    I thank my lucky stars that to date Nichole's borderline moments have only involved extreme hair cuts, tattoos, and piercings. The only things that have endured are the tattoos cuz I could at least talk her into something tasteful.

    As for husband, I imagine the whole gender identity thing has him majorly uncormfortable at best. On the whole, men don't seem to deal with such issues well, especially our generation. Does he realize it may just be a passing interest? And if difficult child is borderline his reaction (actually over reaction) might actually fuel difficult child's desire to want this?

    I can only imagine how hard this has got to be to go thru. I know my husband would be going off the wall, and he's actually a really tolerant guy.

  10. wethreepeeps

    wethreepeeps New Member

    As someone with some knowledge in the gender transition area, I promise you it's not as easy as taking hormones and then growing breasts. Your son's therapist would next refer him to a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues, and he'll have to see that therapist for 6 months and undergo numerous personality tests and *then* if there are no comorbid issues, that therapist will write a letter state he is a candidate for hormone therapy, and then he has to find a trans-friendly endocrinologist to prescribe the hormones. The endocrinologist my require periodic letters to prove he's still in therapy or is making positive steps towards gender transition to continue prescribing the hormones. There is a detailed protocol for treating transgendered patients called the Harry Benjamin standards of care.
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I couldn't have given the detail that wethreepeeps just did but I know that there is a lot involved in any kind of possible gender change. I know that when Rob was at his worst we grasped at straws at what could be at the bottom of it, including identity issues of various types. Our mystery was never solved and time will tell if your difficult child's will.

    Regardless, I'm sorry for the continued turmoil. It's good to hear from you SJAM.

  12. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    All I can say is that I'm sorry you are facing more issues with difficult child. Sometimes it seems that the chaos they create is the only way they know to live. Has he had gender issues before? The drinking and pot use can lead to a depressive state---I've seen it happen with difficult child time and time again (And He thinks it helps him "feel" better.) Hugs and a shoulder to lean on---
  13. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Great to see you SJAM. Sorry 'bout the continuing difficulties. That's great that he got SSI/disability. Having him in a trailer near you sounds great to me.
  14. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member


    Was it your son potentially moving into the trailer Still, or your husband?