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Cherishing Relationships, Cultivating Love
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 671624" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I do not have other children so I cannot comment usefully on that question but will chime in on the others. </p><p>I think we do not appreciate sufficiently (I speak for myself)the extent of their grief and their anguish.</p><p></p><p>M and I are each parents but do not have children in common. M's children turned out well. He has 9. All are hard-working except one, and he is married with children. Of the 9 only one drinks to excess which is a big deal because there is alcoholism on both sides.</p><p></p><p>M grieves his daughter who ran away about 20 years ago never to be heard of again. It is a silent hole in his heart.</p><p></p><p>He has not seen any of his children for almost 12 years. He cannot return to Mx because of his legal status. If he leaves he will be unable to reenter. In his absence his children, who are all married except one, and nearly all with children of their own, have all come to an understanding of his leaving from the point of view of their mother.</p><p></p><p>It is understandable that this is the case, but M is in agony about the loss of his family. An agony that has no end. Until he returns and mends the relationships he will continue to suffer, I think.</p><p></p><p>I think I for one have never before understood how deeply is the love of a father for his children and family, the sense of responsibility and obligation.</p><p></p><p>I feel quite defensive for him. He was a wonderful and dedicated father. He worked like a dog. They lived well. But he was a workaholic, gone a lot, and drinking sometimes when at home.</p><p></p><p>I know that children feel they deserve parents that are not flawed. I know I did. It would be nice if we could give them a happily ever after life. Does such exist?</p><p></p><p>But because I believed my parents to be inadequate, I never saw up close the situation of a parent such as M. I have a hard time understanding his kids. I understand why they came to think as they do, I just think they are wrong.</p><p>In our case, M has been more openly supportive of my son than have I. He always wanted to try again. To bring him home. To buy him a home. To work with him. He still believes I should help him.</p><p></p><p>Except now he knows the costs to me and our relationship. All hell breaks loose when my son is here. It has gotten to the point when I dread my son coming home. Almost I dread the idea of seeing him. Is that not horrible?</p><p></p><p>I worry about him when he does not call, but do not call him at all hardly lately. I have not heard from him since last Thursday, the night before he said he was going for a liver biopsy. Still, I am waiting for him to call. He was calling every day. I think it is because he was angling to return home.</p><p>I think it takes intention. And I think it takes willingness to look at ourselves and to seek where we fall short. I think I have lacked attention in each of these areas.</p><p></p><p>I am beginning to see that M gives me more than I give him. I think I am the taker in the relationship, and he is the giver. This is not fair.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 671624, member: 18958"] I do not have other children so I cannot comment usefully on that question but will chime in on the others. I think we do not appreciate sufficiently (I speak for myself)the extent of their grief and their anguish. M and I are each parents but do not have children in common. M's children turned out well. He has 9. All are hard-working except one, and he is married with children. Of the 9 only one drinks to excess which is a big deal because there is alcoholism on both sides. M grieves his daughter who ran away about 20 years ago never to be heard of again. It is a silent hole in his heart. He has not seen any of his children for almost 12 years. He cannot return to Mx because of his legal status. If he leaves he will be unable to reenter. In his absence his children, who are all married except one, and nearly all with children of their own, have all come to an understanding of his leaving from the point of view of their mother. It is understandable that this is the case, but M is in agony about the loss of his family. An agony that has no end. Until he returns and mends the relationships he will continue to suffer, I think. I think I for one have never before understood how deeply is the love of a father for his children and family, the sense of responsibility and obligation. I feel quite defensive for him. He was a wonderful and dedicated father. He worked like a dog. They lived well. But he was a workaholic, gone a lot, and drinking sometimes when at home. I know that children feel they deserve parents that are not flawed. I know I did. It would be nice if we could give them a happily ever after life. Does such exist? But because I believed my parents to be inadequate, I never saw up close the situation of a parent such as M. I have a hard time understanding his kids. I understand why they came to think as they do, I just think they are wrong. In our case, M has been more openly supportive of my son than have I. He always wanted to try again. To bring him home. To buy him a home. To work with him. He still believes I should help him. Except now he knows the costs to me and our relationship. All hell breaks loose when my son is here. It has gotten to the point when I dread my son coming home. Almost I dread the idea of seeing him. Is that not horrible? I worry about him when he does not call, but do not call him at all hardly lately. I have not heard from him since last Thursday, the night before he said he was going for a liver biopsy. Still, I am waiting for him to call. He was calling every day. I think it is because he was angling to return home. I think it takes intention. And I think it takes willingness to look at ourselves and to seek where we fall short. I think I have lacked attention in each of these areas. I am beginning to see that M gives me more than I give him. I think I am the taker in the relationship, and he is the giver. This is not fair. COPA [/QUOTE]
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