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Family of Origin
Cherishing Relationships, Cultivating Love
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 671631" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I agree. Maybe it is because the language of men and women is so different? I want to talk it out. The hubs does not. He would rather not address it. This does not mean he is not hurting.</p><p></p><p> Nine is a big family.</p><p></p><p> This is sad. It makes me feel sad for M.</p><p></p><p> How difficult for him. Does he speak of this Copa?</p><p></p><p>Hubs is the same, very hard working.</p><p>This was his loving sacrifice, I do not know if our children understand the whole of it. They yearn for a relationship with their father, but couldn't see that his work was his way of trying his best to provide for them. My youngest daughter learned to anticipate what her father needed, before he had to ask. This way, she did not have to deal with his sergeant mode. When she moved out, she lamented that she could never please him, this hurt me, because I felt the same way with my father. She says now, that she values the work ethic he instilled in her. She has found ways to look at her dad, with a different perspective. I think that is cultivating love.</p><p> I think happy is overrated. It is impossible to be happy all of the time. Life has its ups and downs. We do well to teach children that all people make mistakes.To teach to look for the good in people. To make the best out of tough situations.</p><p>Working with children in a sports program, I hear parents complaining that their child is not happy. I tell them that discouragement is a part of life, it shows us what we are made of, to be in a tough situation and come out of it. One cannot win all the time. How will these children deal with loss as adults, if they always get what they want as children?</p><p></p><p> I wonder if this is from M's culture? The hubs culture is the same. One does not turn ones back on family, no matter what. In my family, the thought was, when you are 18, you find your own way. So different. I believe in this day and age with high cost of living, more and more families live together, generationally. It is feasible, if everyone works to cherish the relationship and cultivate love.</p><p>I do not think this possible with my d cs. They do not look at living at home with thoughts of helping and responsibility. They start out looking as if they do, then quickly begin to take advantage. They act as if they are entitled. This is not cultural.</p><p>"You no work, you no eat."</p><p>That is cultural.</p><p> Ahhh yes, the angling. There always seems to be an angle with my two.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, where do I fall short? That is the question I have not been asking myself. What more can I do to make my relationship better?</p><p></p><p>Since I am back at coaching, I reflect a lot on the metaphor of canoe paddling and life.</p><p>In a Hawaiian outrigger canoe, there are six seats, each with their own job. As in any sport, we teach to work hard as an individual in training, to not judge others, but look at oneself. When paddling in a canoe, everyone must become one to make the canoe move forward. Technique, timing, fitness, all come in to play. The most important thing is attitude, it is crucial to have a positive outlook. When people are not used to the rigors of physically challenging work, the mind has a tendency to go negative. This can be disastrous in a canoe, because the canoe, transfers the negativity. It is a vessel, six people are locked into this vessel, working as one to move it. If one person starts to think negatively, it slowly becomes obvious. They may work less, or have bad feelings and suspicion of how hard others are working. The canoe will not move proficiently. It is amazing to see this. After coaching and paddling for over 20 years, I know it to be true. The best crews, are those who are able to work together positively, to look within themselves and work towards their <em>own</em> best, to forgive their crew mates mistakes, to cherish idiosyncrasies, to bond and cultivate love, to trust each other.</p><p>This is what makes a successful crew, who can pull together in the stormiest ocean conditions.</p><p>This is much like a family.</p><p>I think that is what I need to bring to my relationship with the hubs. To start to look inward, at what my contributions have, or have not been.</p><p></p><p>Huh, it was right there in front of me all along.</p><p></p><p>Thank you Copa for your forthrightness in sharing this.</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 671631, member: 19522"] I agree. Maybe it is because the language of men and women is so different? I want to talk it out. The hubs does not. He would rather not address it. This does not mean he is not hurting. Nine is a big family. This is sad. It makes me feel sad for M. How difficult for him. Does he speak of this Copa? Hubs is the same, very hard working. This was his loving sacrifice, I do not know if our children understand the whole of it. They yearn for a relationship with their father, but couldn't see that his work was his way of trying his best to provide for them. My youngest daughter learned to anticipate what her father needed, before he had to ask. This way, she did not have to deal with his sergeant mode. When she moved out, she lamented that she could never please him, this hurt me, because I felt the same way with my father. She says now, that she values the work ethic he instilled in her. She has found ways to look at her dad, with a different perspective. I think that is cultivating love. I think happy is overrated. It is impossible to be happy all of the time. Life has its ups and downs. We do well to teach children that all people make mistakes.To teach to look for the good in people. To make the best out of tough situations. Working with children in a sports program, I hear parents complaining that their child is not happy. I tell them that discouragement is a part of life, it shows us what we are made of, to be in a tough situation and come out of it. One cannot win all the time. How will these children deal with loss as adults, if they always get what they want as children? I wonder if this is from M's culture? The hubs culture is the same. One does not turn ones back on family, no matter what. In my family, the thought was, when you are 18, you find your own way. So different. I believe in this day and age with high cost of living, more and more families live together, generationally. It is feasible, if everyone works to cherish the relationship and cultivate love. I do not think this possible with my d cs. They do not look at living at home with thoughts of helping and responsibility. They start out looking as if they do, then quickly begin to take advantage. They act as if they are entitled. This is not cultural. "You no work, you no eat." That is cultural. Ahhh yes, the angling. There always seems to be an angle with my two. Yes, where do I fall short? That is the question I have not been asking myself. What more can I do to make my relationship better? Since I am back at coaching, I reflect a lot on the metaphor of canoe paddling and life. In a Hawaiian outrigger canoe, there are six seats, each with their own job. As in any sport, we teach to work hard as an individual in training, to not judge others, but look at oneself. When paddling in a canoe, everyone must become one to make the canoe move forward. Technique, timing, fitness, all come in to play. The most important thing is attitude, it is crucial to have a positive outlook. When people are not used to the rigors of physically challenging work, the mind has a tendency to go negative. This can be disastrous in a canoe, because the canoe, transfers the negativity. It is a vessel, six people are locked into this vessel, working as one to move it. If one person starts to think negatively, it slowly becomes obvious. They may work less, or have bad feelings and suspicion of how hard others are working. The canoe will not move proficiently. It is amazing to see this. After coaching and paddling for over 20 years, I know it to be true. The best crews, are those who are able to work together positively, to look within themselves and work towards their [I]own[/I] best, to forgive their crew mates mistakes, to cherish idiosyncrasies, to bond and cultivate love, to trust each other. This is what makes a successful crew, who can pull together in the stormiest ocean conditions. This is much like a family. I think that is what I need to bring to my relationship with the hubs. To start to look inward, at what my contributions have, or have not been. Huh, it was right there in front of me all along. Thank you Copa for your forthrightness in sharing this. leafy [/QUOTE]
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