Cherub's day at school and beyond

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by therese005us, Aug 11, 2009.

  1. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Today i picked up cherub from school.
    She was very naughty all day.
    Whenever she was asked to go to the batthroom, tantrum.
    last week she locked herself in the toilet and the aide couldn't persuade her to come out. Only when the principal came along with her clickety shoes did she emerge. This is not unusual. She won't comply for any of the other teachers most of the time. The principal/teacher has to frequently leave her class to get cherub to comply.
    today the principal/teacher is away. Everytime she was asked to do a task, she would refuse and be stubborn. The teachers don't know how to make her do what they ask.
    So, when she got in the car, I just simply said, I heard she was naughty in school, so she didn't get to have a special sticker today. I hadn't actually made any deal with her about that, but she still got the message (I think). So, tomorrow when she goes to school, I might make this deal with her.

    At home, she was non compliant for bathroom requests. That is to say, rag doll syndrome, whining and refusing. Until physically pointed in the direction of the toilet.

    I was a little tired tonight, so I really couldn't care much about it, apart from the usual, don't forget to wipe, make sure you're clean....

    Every couple minutes there is a call 'aunty trish, this or that' i do try to be patient.

    If I could magically solve this medical problem, maybe the other things would fall into place.....

    And then there is the pressure from bio mum... but that's another story.
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    She sounds like she's bonded with the principal/teacher. Interesting - that also tends to happen more in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) too. It's part of the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) side of it as well as the social problems. It was a reason we were given for difficult child 3 having a different aide and different teacher every year. When they finally had to use the same aide, they developed a very strong bond indeed. When difficult child 3 changed schools I organised it for the new school to hire the old aide, which turned out to be a very valuable thing.

    I'm thinking - if there is a lot of challenge and change in cherub's life at any stage (such as coping in a new school or new class) it might be better to relax the toietting for a few days.
    Have you been able to get her seen by a specialist in toiletting problems? That's what it took with difficult child 3, before we were able to get him properly toilet-trained (about the same age as cherub). This specialist combined medical knowledge with behaviour training, with everything. Very helpful. He still went a few more years before he would use ANY toilet away from home.

  3. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Hi Trish

    My son took forever to master the toilet (still working on the aim, lol) and was still having accidents in the fourth grade. It was partly his medication, partly the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), and mostly a bad attitude where he wasn't going stop what he was doing for anyone, including his own bladder. I began to wonder if he'd ever grow out of this and I think he finally did.

    As for deals, rewards, incentives...BEWARE. If you offer an incentive for having a good day at school, and difficult child does not meet the goal, she may see it as something you are denying her rather than something she hasn't earned. It tends to backfire and make you the bad guy. This has been my experience anyway. It infuriated my difficult child when he did not earn a reward yet he took no responsibility for his actions. On the flip side, when he did something well and I praised him, his response became, "what do I get?" I'd respond, "you met the expectations so you have all your priveleges." This upset him at first but eventually it sunk it that he wasn't going to be rewarded for every good deed. I tried the whole, don't you feel good about yourself, proud, etc... but that goes right over his head.

    I wanted so badly for difficult child to do well in school, worried constantly, lectured, gave pep talks, tried the incentive thing, administered consequences, and after several stressful years, finally realized that there wasn't a darn thing I could do to alter difficult child's behavior at school. I now focus on making a difference where I can. This doesn't stop me from being a warrior mom at ieps, fighting for what I think will most help difficult child, but what happens at school is dealt with at school and I focus on his behaviors at home. In fact, his behavior at home is actually better because we don't start the afternoon with a lecture about what happened in school. I still praise him for the good things I see on his behavior chart and sometimes I do something special because he has done well but I never discuss it in advance. "you've been doing so well lately in school, let's go get an ice cream." "I've been thinking about how well you did this week at school and I saw this at the store today and thought you would like ienjoy it. Thanks for doing such a great job." During rough times, it's really hard to find the positives but play them up even if thery are small.

  4. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Another bad day yesterday, where she screamed in people's faces if they told her to do or not do something. I gave her time out for 5 mins, screaming ensued, but I told her to stop and eventualy, she did.
    The school rang, and they are having a meeting with me on Tuesday (they offered to come to my house!) with the nurse, and AVT to work out what program we can put in place.

    Cherub is going home for the weekend, that's always hard. She usually has a very bad day at school if she's going home for the weekend.