Child envy

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
Exhausted--

I experienced that "envy" just today....when I went to my mailbox and found a home-made flyer from a neighborhood 15 year old offering to mow lawns and do odd jobs to earn money for a summer program.

meanwhile, my 16-year-old is laying on the couch complaining that I didn't make dinner yet.

--sigh--

I just try to remember that nobody's life is perfect. We all have our troubles....just not in the same categories.

((((hugs)))
 

P-nut2004

New Member
Marg & Exhausted I agree with both of you, we should speak out, it is the right thing to do, and nothing will change about the perception of mental disabilities until that happens. I have been known to speak up in a public situation when someone who does not know me or my child comments on Ls behavior (although usually the other person then acts like ur kid has a contagious disease) & I have been very outspoken at Ls school. However, I agree with Exhausted's statement, there is no way Im going on facebook and posting anything about Ls difficult child behavior or the achievements she has made that others would not see as something to celebrate. I am the world's worst about keeping my mouth shut around our friends and family but it is starting to eat at me big time. I have one particular relative 'W', who is relentless about fussing at L when we are around her. I try to tell W that L cannot help her behavior but she still feels the need to nitpick at everything L does, she calls her weird and has even said to me 'She's kinda special huh?' I have tried over and over to explain L's dxs to her but I'm starting to wonder if she is the 'special' one because she doesn't get it. She fusses at L about still wearing a pad which infuriates me because she cant help the incontinence, and when L had the depressive episode a couple months ago & had to be taken to the psychiatric hospital for suicidal behavior, W would not let go of it, asking me 50 questions etc. Now she refers to it as 'that freaky episode L had' and brought it up in front of her whole family (she married into DHS side) last weekend, wanted me to explain it to her mother like it was some sort of anecdote we should laugh about.
:grrr:
W is just the worst one I have to deal with, most of our fam & friends do not understand L & when I do try to speak up it usually doesn't go well. Some think she shouldn't be medicated, some think its all my fault/ DHs fault (depending on who's side of the family their in). I even have one friend with a total difficult child kid that is Ls best buddy/parter in crime and she is adamant that there's nothing wrong with L (which I am completely convinced is because if she accepts that L has issues she has to accept that her kids does too). So I totally understand that we need to speak out and educate people but that is so much easier said than done. And when I do feel jealous because a friend has called to tell me their kid did something fabulous, like one who's kid recently won a kiddy pageant, I just can't make myself say "That's awesome, L made it through the grocery store today without a meltdown & then she cleaned her whole room" even tho if that happened it would be a huge accomplishment for L.

*sigh* This stuff is really hard to deal with....any of you guys who have gotten past being 'afraid' to speak up have my utmost respect!
 

Malika

Well-Known Member
Yes, people's lack of understanding can be demoralising... Just this morning a (French - this is relevant because the French in general tend to be "harder" and less compassionate, I find, than the British - for example - in general) friend said to me breezily "Oh, yes, you must find out what's at the bottom of J's hyperactivity, whether it's lack of iron or something else, so that he can do things normally like other children..." I looked at her a little aghast, trying to gather my thoughts, and eventually mumbled something along the lines of "Um, it's a bit more complicated than that..." I tried to explain that it was probably something in his brain that could not be "fixed" with some simple remedy. Much of her conversation was along the lines of "is he going to grow out of it and be like everyone else?" and I eventually said well, yes, that might be nice but in fact I think one has to accept him as he is and that he is not going suddenly to become calm and still...
Maybe that's all we can do - argue for children who are different to be accepted in their difference...
 

tiredmommy

Well-Known Member
I don't feel jealousy so much as loss on Duckie's behalf. She's ****so close**** to typical. But isn't. I feel jealousy for me, mostly about being vigilant. I'm tired of being tired and sometimes resent parents that get to be laid back. It's not their fault, but rather my shortcoming as a human being.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
A moment that for me was a big slap in the face, came when difficult child 3 had just been tentatively diagnosed (he was barely three) and we finally had a piece of paper to begin the process of application for an aide in pre-school. Normally it takes months or more - you have to apply the previous year to have a chance. But a boy who had funding, was moving interstate. This boy was a neighbour or ours, a lovely kid who had been perfectly okay until an accident left him brain-damaged. I had been there supporting his family since the accident; we were friends, had welcomed them when they moved in to the neighbourhood. I was chatting to the mother and told her how her son's aide would continue to have a job, because the funding was being transferred to difficult child 3 when her son left. He had funding in place for his new placement, all was okay, I thought. Then this mother turned to me. "Don't worry about your child," she said. "There's nothing wrong with him. He's just a naughty little boy."

There was nothing I could say. Her son's disability was profound, but I had been one of the first to identify that he was intellectually unimpaired - the boy was locked in, doctors were despairing of his chances and whether it was worth trying to help him. I helped her fight for him. I couldn't say anything and she drifted away, unaware how much she had just hurt me. I never did tell her - she had enough on her plate. Normally I would have defended my child. But coming from her - first it was a shock, then it was, "How can you say anything to HER? After all she's endured in the past year?"

Looking back, I tell myself that she was trying to make me feel better, to tell me not to consider my son disabled, but just that he was being a bit stubborn. English was not her first language and she had been more immersed in her first language since her mother came to stay to help. The boy had been bilingual before his accident, then lost all his English, which is why doctors had considered him unresponsive. What were my concerns compared to hers? How could she understand, when she was dealing with profound physical disability in her son, that my boy, who could run around and climb trees, could not relate to other kids as well as her boy? Her son was completely aphasic, but he had language. He had regained his English (or relearned it) and was responding appropriately in social situations. My boy was echolalic and could not interact with other kids in anything other than running around; could not sit still during story time or sleep time or table tasks; the one thing her boy and mine had in common, was love of computers.

Sometimes there is nothing you can say.

The only other time I've had anything close to this level of slap in the face, I have been able to respond. One day at an after-school sports event, the kids were unsupervised and running amok. There were parents there doing nothing. I chided a group of kids who were in the toilets stuffing them with paper towels and flooding the place with water, and a parent walking past told me to look to my own kid who at that moment WAS behaving; she said I couldn't be critical of other kids if mine was such a problem. "Let the kids enjoy themselves," she said. "Any problems - they'll fight it out amongst themselves." Again, this was from a woman I had been friends with since our older kids were babies. Interestingly, in the years since, her sons have been a huge behaviour problem.

My response this second time - I knew her well enough to not bother to change her mind, but I did say, "I cannot let difficult child 3 loose around such behaviour. He does not understand and when he tries to join in, he makes a mess of it. I will be spending my time with difficult child 3 watching the match from the other side of the field today."

Something I realised early on, is our kids have a higher standard of behaviour to adhere to. And it is not fair. I have said this to my boys - "the world will not give you the breaks that it gives to other kids. That is not fair, but you do have to live with it, so accept it. Just make sure that you work harder than the other kids, to ensure no blame can be applied to you."

I am now noticing this in my dealings with adults with Asperger's - they tend to be more scrupulously careful to avoid giving offence, they tend to be more correct and sometimes formal in their social interactions and conversations. They rely on logic in arguments and scrupulously avoid personal attack and invective, even where it has been directed towards them. They feel very exposed when they reach out to other people and can be easily put off if it backfires. Tomorrow I have to cooperate with an adult Aspie bloke who is just like this - we have to work as a team but also do it with no advance planning together. But I know him well enough to know how he functions, and I am confident it will go well.

So there is hope - as they grow, they can turn into wonderful human beings. It's just getting them there that is such a huge task!

Marg
 

exhausted

Active Member
Isn't it so-they can grow into wonderful human beings. My 23 year old is twice the man his friends are. He is the leader and responsible one. He is so much more aware of himself and others. I had a psychiatrist at the preschool we sent him to tell me he would never make it in public school-he did and graduated early! If I could, I'd call the fellow and rip him ( I can't believe I'm still peaved over that). My boy has accomplished more than any "normal" kid as he had to overcome great odds. I believe my daughter will as well-she'll need longer as her wounds are deeper. I even had the judge look at me in court, almost 3 weeks ago and say, " Mom I know hope springs eternal, but just look at this psychiatric report." And then in the next breath tell me her running behavior was not due to mental illness, but her wanting to go out and be perpetrated on! Needless to say I sent him the care package from "Lost at School" and the "Explosive Child" and some research on PTSD and personality disorders. The NAMI people are sending him some stuff as well.

I actually tell other teachers in my building they have no right critisizing the parents of disabled kids. "Unless you have raised one just like the one they are trying to raise on their resources, you need to be quiet. Your job is to do the best job you can at school!" Interesting they often come and ask for advise from me (I am also the senior teacher so that helps). People can be educated.

As far as friends and family go, I lay it out. If they don't adjust we stay away. My husband has a big family (dominant Utah religion)-the gatherings were so over- stimulating for my son we had to keep them short. Mother in law confronted me for always leaving early, and then was also the first to lay into my boy when he was wound up. After much work with her-I gave up. We pulled away. We told them that being with the family was damaging for our child and for us. If they wanted to see us, they would have to come to us. They chose not to. My daughter hardly knows her grandparents. But this is a good thing as they would destoy the string her self esteem hangs from. So if people choose not to be educated, they do not get to be part of our kids' life.

As for that Facebook post- I hope the day will come when we can post how proud we are that our 10 year old picked up her room or our 5 year old didn't throw a tantrum for the first time when told "no".

Today, I reflected on my children's accomplishments and the fact that I am alive and havent died of exhaustion. I felt no envy. Day by day, I'm going to try!
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
There are days when I'm thrilled with what Miss KT has accomplished in her life so far, and then there are other days when I just want to crawl in a hole. My brother's kids are typical over-achievers, stars at school and extra-curricular activities, and my kid managed to graduate from high school, and still has trouble with some "basic" skills.
 

skeeter

New Member
Haven't read all the responses, just the first page (and as usual, Star said it quite well!).

I never had a "normal" life. My father was 41 when I was born, so much older than most of my friend's parents. Right from the get-go, we didn't "fit" in with many people. I learned to create my OWN life, not try to be what others thought I should be.
Same with my kids. I accept them for what they are, not what others think they should be. Neither are attending college - they may someday - but they are getting by for now. I always told them my goal was to have them be self sustaining members of society. Self sustaining can be a ditch digger for all I care. They are also expected to give back as much as they can. That doesn't mean money, especially when they don't have it. But it does mean sweat equity.
I guess I'm just made strange. I've never gotten jealous over what others have. I figure that they also have problems, we may just not see them. I've never been materialistic, which is why I've never moved higher in my position. I don't want to "do" what it takes to move higher - I have a life outside of work.

And sometimes, it's ok to get mad at whatever higher power you believe in. "God never gives you more than you can handle". Well, you know, sometimes I wish God or whomever didn't have quite so high of an opinion of me!! "It's for the better". No it's not, it ticks me off!!
 

idohope

Member
A thread that has obviously hit home. We are only human how could we not wish that things were different when we show up at the science fair and there are all the smiling proud parents and we arrive ½ hour late with a difficult child who has obviously been crying and it has taken us 1 hour to get her in the car and every chair in the house is overturned etc. Sure I am proud when she actually makes it there and sets up her display. I am proud of her and a little proud of myself. I survived, I stayed calm, I did not cry, I did not yell, I (think) I made the situation better and not worse and I am glad that she has me. But I am also exhausted and fried and sometimes a little jealous or wistful and definitely wishing for difficult child that these were not the cards that she was dealt.

And I want to tell the teachers and the parents: 'Wow for someone with an anxiety disorder it is amazing that she is here'. But difficult child is in denial herself and wants to appear normal and everyone has rights regarding privacy of medical conditions and so I do not say anything.

But I also remember that we do not actually know what is happening behind the scenes in anyone's life. On multiple occasions parents have told me that they wish their children were more like difficult child. I thank them and in my head think 'Be careful what you wish for'. They see her doing things in her public persona but do not see the rages and anxiety and inability to function that her family bears the brunt of.

I think it would be good for you to talk about these feelings in therapy. You seem very aware of the logical response versus the emotional but talking about your emotional response (which I think is a natural human response) would be beneficil (If this board and these responses many of which are amazing is not enough).
 

tiredmommy

Well-Known Member
Yes, Marg... this is an ongoing issue for most, if not all, of us.

One thing that I'd like to add to my earlier comments is this: this is Duckie's life. It's her one go-round and ultimately it's her life to live as she chooses and to the best of her ability. It's my position that I'm here to help her find out who she is; not to mold her but to help her find her path. Right now she's lost a lot of the time but she isn't too far off the path.
 

Malika

Well-Known Member
I think that is an excellent point. No matter how challenging or unpromising (or any other negative adjective one cares to think of) the child may be, this is her or his life... And so as their parents we are here to help them live it to the best of their potential and abilities. And it's not easy.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I think as a parent of adult kids, I have been through a ton of the jealousy moments. Only one of my kids went to prom and they didnt stay very long. Made me so mad because we spent a ton of money! Cory never made it out of 9th grade. He was asked to leave at age 15. Yeah so legal but I had given up the fight.

I had my kids in recreation department league sports since they were 6 so we have had their old coaches coming up to us all these years later asking how they are doing. What to say? Jamie was in the Marines and Cory was trying to stay out of jail. We used to just laugh and say, well Cory is still Cory! Then talk about his daughter.

Sure I miss that we didnt do all that great stuff but it really wasnt us..it was them. Cory misses it a bunch. He really forced Mandy not to quit school when she wanted to quit. I know he regrets it now.

Lets see how my kids do as parents. Maybe they will have the fun stuff and I can get all the proms and graduations with at least a few of the grands.
 
you are hardly alone.

and i've never actually said any of this out loud. my husband thinks i'm having a massive allergy attack today.

its mothers day. i felt honored to have the small window of time today to actually feel sorry for myself--i usually just dont have time to dwell. its pretty pathetic when thats a luxury....

i spent most of the day sobbing.....like you, i cant stand the "wonderful accomplishments" of the average kid anymore. that is a terrible thing to admit, but its the truth.

i dont want to hear about how someone elses day involved brunches and rainbows.
mine didnt. not by far.

it was one thing for me when i had one difficult child. Veni Vidi Vici.

and now i have two. i pretty much cannot come to terms with it...neither of mine will ever fix me breakfast in bed let alone function independently. and i feel sorry for myself. i have no help. i have one that is 100%+ dependant on me--so much so that i pick his nose--and one that is dependent enough that it scares the **** out of me to think what the outcome will be....i cant even go there.

but neither of them care...they are who they are. its me who has suffered such a loss that i can no longer stand it.

so no, you are not alone. i have no idea if its normal or not, but after almost 18 years of serious gfgdom, with a second throw in just to mess with my head, i'm guessing its inevitable in my case. i'm just not so sure why this is the year it matters so much.

i once read something about caregiver fatigue...it details on a month by month basis the stages (like the stages of grief). it ends at at oh, i think 48 months. 48 MONTHS??????? wth happens after XX (in my case,18+) years.... i could do 48 months standing on my head.

i think i'll go have some chocolate--and i'll happily share with all of you....since that makes everthing better, so i hear.

but know you arent alone.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Can I throw in something here to put things into a bit of perspective? On Saturday, the day before Mothers Day, I went to a funeral. The young woman being buried was the daughter of a friend of mine. The mother is in her 80s, old, blind and physically frail. The daughter was a flash of energy always, travelling around the world lecturing but when back home, living on her mother's property. Living a healthy, vegetarian lifestyle, an activist for environmental and feminist rights like her mother.

She had been ill for some months but had not wanted to worry her mother. She HAD been seeing doctors, but when they diagnosed ovarian cancer, it was far too late for anything but making her comfortable enough to fly back home. Her mother, in her mid-60s, managed to fly across the world to her daughter alone, despite her blindness and age. One tough lady!

For the daughter, the effort to return back to this country was too much for her, she went into hospital on her return and never came home. She died a few weeks later and frankly, her death at last was a release.

But this woman, who loved her daughter and relied on her, had to bury her the day before Mothers Day. I don't know who was with her on Mothers Day, I hope someone was. But I cannot conceive the sense of loss and pain she must be feeling.

Our children are not always as capable of the same involvement as others. However, what involvement we do get form them, surely it is more valuable to us for its rarity? When I get an unexpected hug from difficult child 3, it is gold because it is spontaneous and against his usual nature. It means he made an effort for me, even if in others, it would be effortless and unthought of.

We need to change our expectations and our values, so we can appreciate what we do have. We won't always have it.

Marg
 

Malika

Well-Known Member
Marguerite said: "We need to change our expectations and our values so that we can appreciate what we do have. We won't always have it." For me, this is deeply true. For me this is where the cutting edge between heaven and hell lie... heaven being when I can simply interact with things as they are without judgement or expectation that they should be different.
And if I don't have faith in my little gift from god - who will?
 

JJJ

Active Member
One more with the same feelings....

The loss of the dream is so devestating. Mother's Day seems designed to rub salt in the wound. It is my least favorite day of the year, I prefer to spend it in bed, under the covers.
 

Malika

Well-Known Member
That's really sad JJJ. I am sorry that it is that way for you.
I think I don't let my thoughts run along the lines of "what if" very much... caught myself doing it this afternoon - what would it be like to have a child I could take everywhere with me, to social events, to meet friends, to restaurants... it would be nice. Maybe really nice. There is a sadness, yes, a grieving. And still I do not fundamentally object to things the way they are, to J being the child who has come into my life...
 
P

PatriotsGirl

Guest
This hit me hard today as I was viewing every one's prom photos on Facebook....I won't ever get that with her. My goodness, I don't even know where my child lives.... :(
 
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