Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by guest3, Oct 6, 2007.
Or shall I say NOT WORKING!!!
Sounds like it is time to document, document, document. I could understand that once it has been set in motion that husband will get to see the kids that you would need to go to court to arrange for supervised visitation with a social worker present, not you, but I can't see where it is your responsibility to arrange the initial visitation order.
As to your mother in law, yes, he can hurt them on the phone. There are many things he could say to cause a lot of pain. So, unless a judge gives permission, I would stand by the no contact. Once permission is granted, be very sure to ask for supervised visitation and insist that the supervision be done by a professional, not another family member.
Hang in there! You're doing a great job. Don't let him bully you!
Im so sorry this is happening. I dont for one minute think this is on your shoulders at all.
Your husband hasnt completed his part of the orders so he is in violation. He hasnt met the safety plan to even see you or his kids. Why on earth would anyone move mountains to start the ball rolling? When he does, the appropriate case workers...for him and the kids, will do the work...not you. You have an assault case to deal with which will take time as well.
Sheesh. Can officials just one time do their jobs without pawning it off on the victims?
Our situation with CPS was a little different circumstances, but from everything that I have EVER heard, you are NOT the one responsible for going to court and asking for visitation for the children with your husband. If this situation came up in our county, the first thing they would do is set up a court hearing. At the hearing, they would determine whether or not to leave the children in your care, determine the things that your husband has to do in order to be allowed Visitation, and set a return date for court to come back and review. At the initial hearing, and at all the reviews thereafter, it would be up to your husband to ask for more visit time, etc. I remember our difficult child's bio mom had to go to the courts and ask when she wanted visitation after getting out of prison the first time. And after her visitation was granted, it she wanted more time, or wanted to try to start working towards monitored/unsupervised visits, she was the one that had to ask. And they would always ask my husband and I if there were any objections, and since she lived with us, they took all of our concerns into consideration before making a decision. But never ONCE did they expect US to do all the talking for her, if she wanted something, she had to do what they wanted, and she had to ask for it herself.
You mentioned that one of the pre-requisites was that he have a substance abuse evaluation done before he gets visitation. So this is what I would tell mother in law or whoever asks...if he hasn't had the evaluation yet, then you would be wasting your time anyway.
I would start taking notes about every conversation that takes place, because first of all, you do NOT want to get so wrapped up in what's going on that the duties of your husband and you get so confused that you miss something. Becuase they take every mis-step as a sign of "lack of concern for your child". We were lucky I guess, because our difficult child had a great caseworker. Her bio mom didn't like her so much because she demanded that she work for EVERYTHING they gave her in the way of visitation, etc.
CPS can be so horrid. They totally messed us when we were involved with them.
Find an attorney who deals with childrens issues to deal with this.
Alternatively, find the supervisor's supervisor, or the head of CPS for your state. The state head will be at the capitol most likely, but you can google to find out.
There is no way you should have to advocate for the man who assaulted you. Go the the Domestic Violence services place and get an advocate from there for free. They usually know ALL the ins and outs.
Sending prayers and BIG Hugs!
thank you for the info, I am just so tired of always feeling like I am at fault in my d/h's and his family's eyes. The same family who said they could not believe he did this to them, and there was no way he'd be moving in with mother in law, now it's opposite (naturally) poor d/h and d/h needs to be cared for by mother in law (aka new co-dependant). Of course when d/h's brother cheated on his wife it was her fault, so I guess they are consistent! Of course mother in law hated me when we were married, so why would I expect different now>?
Document everything. If it were me, I would send a letter to the CPS person outlining, once again, what HE needed to do as respects to sub abuse evaluation before any visitation arrangements were made, not to mention there is a restaining order.
Its not your job to make sure he does what he needs to do. He is the one that majorly screwed up, not you. I wouldn't make arrangements for ANY visitation till he gets his act together. If he wants to see his kids bad enough, he knows what he needs to do - sitting there crying to his mother was not in the game plan.
Can't stress how important it is to record accurately what has
been done/said to date and then every single day write down
anything at all that has to do with the issue. Make sure you
date each entry.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. DDD
First of all please remember that you and the kids are the victims here so don't let anyone try to convince you to feel the least bit sorry for husband. Tell your mother in law to stuff a sock in it and husband shouldn't even be calling you at all. You don't have to talk to him.
Actually the judge is the only one to decide whether or not your husband gets any kind of visitation. It is not your problem. There really shouldn't be any talk of visitation until the results of the assault charge and after he goes through the evaluation and treatment. Only then should the judge decide if he should see the kids at all or have supervised visitation.
I don't have too much respect for the children services system. I've seen too many times them not doing anything in situations where they do need to intervene but harassing people that are doing the best they can. I had my DEX call them on me one time just because he was mad at me.
I would also suggest like the others have to document everything. Also you could go talk to a lawyer. You can find some that have free consultations and also you might find one that will take the case pro bono. At the very least you will know what your legal rights are.
Just hang in there and try to stay strong. I'm a survivor of domestic abuse and I know how hard things are for you right now. Remember you're not alone.
This isn't your responsibiltiy. I can't belive this person is trying to put it on you. I'd be beyond miffed.
I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. I wish I had some advice. Just (((hugs))) and sympathy.
susiestar said it but its worth repeating...get your own attorney and also start at the top, calling your states main office for CPS. Take yourself out of the chaos so you can see it more clearly too. mother in law and d/h can keep you all involved emotionally and you need to be able to make clear decisions as well as regroup mentally. Also send letters certified so you have a trail. If you get lawyer you could let him or her be your mediator and you not have to deal with contact with mother in law or d/h. Just some ideas for you. Hang in there mom.
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