Children repeatedly stealing from their parents

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by 3iL, Aug 14, 2013.

  1. 3iL

    3iL New Member

    This post is about my daughter and I am asking for help, opinions, please.
    My daughter is 23, using drugs, your guess would be right, as to what kind of drugs.
    She has stolen from me three times, what I consider to be large amounts.
    $500.00 ------------- Cash--- A year ago
    $1,500.00 ---------- Gold coin maybe 9 months ago
    $3,000 to $4000 --- Ladies vintage Rolex watch - Two weeks ago

    I lost count at how many times she has taken my car without asking.

    I have her nailed on the Rolex watch, with a pawn shop receipt, and text messages from her admitting to me she stole it. She says the watch is gone, non retrievable.

    Let me add that my daughter has one felony already for theft.
    1) I can report the watch stolen, with my daughter as the thief, and show proof.
    Most likely she would get ( and this is a guess ) two years jail time, maybe more.
    2) Or not report it and chalk it up as ? and not report it.

    Please give me your honest thoughts. I love my daughter very much, but living
    in fear of her stealing from me is not how I want to live my life.

    .........Thank you ....... Bill

  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Truthfully, your daughter is under the impression that she can continue to steal from you because you have allowed her to do so in the past. Charge her. Request a plea deal where she must go to rehab for her drug problem. It may not take this time but taking a hard line may very well help her from a completely hopeless life down the road. I feel for your family, addiction is ruthless.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sounds sadly familiar. I recommend you post this on Parent Emeritus where we post about our adult children who are giving us grief. This forum is for minor children and that's different. We have other choices about what to do about our grown adult kids, especially detaching, which is critical. We are no longer legally forced to house, cloth them, pay for their toys, allow them to use our car, etc. You may want to give us a brief history.

    You have to remember that you are under no obligation to allow your girls the privileged of living with you, no matter what. You may want to take in an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting to learn more about detachment from people who understand. But post over at Parent Emeritus. Many of us can share very similar stories and how we have handled it. I would have called the police right away. I called the police on the daughter when she was fifteen for using drugs...I felt it was a way of helping her rather than enabling her. It took a long time, but she quit using drugs, but while she did, she stole from us regularly. They go together.

    Welcome to our corner of the world, but so sorry you have to be here.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hello and welcome!

    It sounds to me as though you have bought in to the theory that everything bad that happens to your daughter is YOUR fault, and not the result of her own choices. The only possible motivation behind willingly taking a large financial (and perhaps emotional if the watch had sentimental value) loss is an attempt to protect your child from the consequences of her own selfishness. Why are you willing to be a victim here? Your daughter CHOSE to steal. This was not your decision - she certainly didn't check with you or consider your feelings beforehand...and yet, here you are considering HER feelings if she is reported for the crime.

    Obviously, it is your decision to make - but each time you let it have made it OK. No harm - no foul.

    Steal $500 cash? - ok, no problem.
    Steal $1500 coin? - ok, no problem.
    Steal $3500 watch? -

    At what point will you decide it's not ok?
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    If you have the receipt... is there anyway the pawn shop still has it? I would press charges. Ditto with taking your car. Does your 23 yo still live at home?

    Sorry you are going thru this - but she is an adult and should face the adult consequences of her behavior. KSM
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bill, it may be prudent to post on Parent Emeritus since your daughter is an adult. Loving our children and enabling them are two very distinctly different things. Of course you love your daughter, however, by not allowing her to experience the natural consequences of her behavior, you rob her of a valuable adult experience which teaches us the results of our behavior so we can learn from our mistakes.........or not................AND, you allow negative, bad behavior to continue in your life. You will live with exactly what you allow, so do not allow this behavior. As others have said, take your receipt and try to get your Rolex back, turn your daughter in and perhaps you can advocate for her in the system to get her into rehab.

    It is difficult to let our adult kids face the crummy consequences of their own choices, I understand that having a daughter myself who has made terrible choices.............and I enabled her for awhile too..............but what you are doing is not in any way healthy nor is it changing the issues. She is an adult woman who is making bad choices, at some point you need to let go and allow her to fall and face the music. It may be a good idea for you to get support, 12 step groups, private therapy, family anonymous, whatever works for may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post's helpful.

    What you are up against is tough, no doubt about it, but whatever happens to your daughter is a result of her choice, not of your parenting, or what you did or didn't do, or what you could have done, or anything about YOU, you didn't create this, nor can you change it, nor can you fix it. That is all up to her. Wishing you peace.........
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2013
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    As a parent who has done it...charge her. She knew what the possible consequences could be.