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Choosing to be homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 728905" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Struggling, welcome and sorry for your need to be here. I will tell you that when our adult children “live their dream” doing barely enough to get by, depend on their parents for essentials, but manage to fund a drug habit, this is not a dream, it is a <em>nightmare</em>. For us.</p><p> And eventually them.</p><p>Then even moreso, for us.</p><p>That’s my experience with trying to “help” my two wayward daughters, who would come and go through our home as if it were a convenient pit stop hotel, lounge about while we went to work, party at night, sleep all day. Etc. etc. What was sworn to be “just smoking pot” turned into mixing it with cocaine, then eventually a full blown meth addiction.</p><p>This happened over years of them teeter tottering on the edge.</p><p>They were good kids. We taught them right from wrong. Somehow, they grew up, but never really matured into their potential. It started with pot.</p><p>They worked here and there, but never seemed to take it seriously that they should be earnest about providing for themselves. Thought that we were supposed to rescue them from the consequences of their choices. We did, for years, struggled to “help” them, but that did not help them launch into responsible people. The more we gave, the more they took, the easier it was for them to shirk off their becoming self sufficient, the deeper they got into the “party” life.</p><p>It was a vicious cycle.</p><p>I have no problem with people trying to live off grid, tiny house living. Many young couples are doubling up with parents and that’s okay too if it is a mutually respectful and responsible living arrangement.</p><p>Heck, it’s expensive out there.</p><p>It is a whole different ball game when adult kids are not pulling their load and using drugs. Oh yes, pot is legal in many States now and looked upon as medicine. But, when smoking it takes priority over taking care of business and being self sustaining, that is <em>addiction</em>.</p><p>I am sorry for your situation with your daughter and her husband. They are living on your dime, and it is not fair to you. They are taking advantage of your generosity. If they want to live “tiny” why do you need to store their stuff?</p><p>Most folks here will tell you that whenever we help our adult kids this way, we are enabling them to continue to use drugs. We make it easier for them to use, because they don’t have to worry about providing for their needs.</p><p>There is a very good article to read on detachment at the top of the PE forum. It is a good start to gauge where we are at in our relationship with our adult kids. Detachment doesn’t mean we coldly cut our kids off, it means we work hard to become balanced. We don’t allow ourselves to feel responsible for our adult children’s choices and the consequences. Because we are not. They have to learn.</p><p> They need to use their talents and find their potential.</p><p>Will they do this, if they continue as is? Relying so heavily on you?</p><p>You have come to the right spot to sort this out. None of us are experts here, just folks who are at different paths on the journey. One thing you must know, is that you are not alone. We have all struggled with what to do, not wanting our adult children to flounder, fearful of what may happen if we don’t help them.</p><p>They are capable, and can support themselves, <em>if they choose to</em>. The key is for them to understand their responsibility to make better choices.</p><p>Most times, that means us stepping aside and allowing them to carry their own load.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 728905, member: 19522"] Hi Struggling, welcome and sorry for your need to be here. I will tell you that when our adult children “live their dream” doing barely enough to get by, depend on their parents for essentials, but manage to fund a drug habit, this is not a dream, it is a [I]nightmare[/I]. For us. And eventually them. Then even moreso, for us. That’s my experience with trying to “help” my two wayward daughters, who would come and go through our home as if it were a convenient pit stop hotel, lounge about while we went to work, party at night, sleep all day. Etc. etc. What was sworn to be “just smoking pot” turned into mixing it with cocaine, then eventually a full blown meth addiction. This happened over years of them teeter tottering on the edge. They were good kids. We taught them right from wrong. Somehow, they grew up, but never really matured into their potential. It started with pot. They worked here and there, but never seemed to take it seriously that they should be earnest about providing for themselves. Thought that we were supposed to rescue them from the consequences of their choices. We did, for years, struggled to “help” them, but that did not help them launch into responsible people. The more we gave, the more they took, the easier it was for them to shirk off their becoming self sufficient, the deeper they got into the “party” life. It was a vicious cycle. I have no problem with people trying to live off grid, tiny house living. Many young couples are doubling up with parents and that’s okay too if it is a mutually respectful and responsible living arrangement. Heck, it’s expensive out there. It is a whole different ball game when adult kids are not pulling their load and using drugs. Oh yes, pot is legal in many States now and looked upon as medicine. But, when smoking it takes priority over taking care of business and being self sustaining, that is [I]addiction[/I]. I am sorry for your situation with your daughter and her husband. They are living on your dime, and it is not fair to you. They are taking advantage of your generosity. If they want to live “tiny” why do you need to store their stuff? Most folks here will tell you that whenever we help our adult kids this way, we are enabling them to continue to use drugs. We make it easier for them to use, because they don’t have to worry about providing for their needs. There is a very good article to read on detachment at the top of the PE forum. It is a good start to gauge where we are at in our relationship with our adult kids. Detachment doesn’t mean we coldly cut our kids off, it means we work hard to become balanced. We don’t allow ourselves to feel responsible for our adult children’s choices and the consequences. Because we are not. They have to learn. They need to use their talents and find their potential. Will they do this, if they continue as is? Relying so heavily on you? You have come to the right spot to sort this out. None of us are experts here, just folks who are at different paths on the journey. One thing you must know, is that you are not alone. We have all struggled with what to do, not wanting our adult children to flounder, fearful of what may happen if we don’t help them. They are capable, and can support themselves, [I]if they choose to[/I]. The key is for them to understand their responsibility to make better choices. Most times, that means us stepping aside and allowing them to carry their own load. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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