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Choosing to be homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 728916" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Oh my, 25. <em>Old enough to be on their own. </em>To know better, to do better. I am sorry for your heartache watching this go down.</p><p> So it seems they have been struggling for two years now. Our adult kids will shun a "conventional" lifestyle, but have no problem living off their "conventional" parents. For me, I am on a widows budget and can't afford to foot that load. We won't be around forever to fund these adult kids who go off the rails and figure they can lean on their parents.</p><p> I would definitely find counseling, <em>for myself. </em>It is not easy to get off the enabling path, I got so caught up in trying to help, it really hurt when a therapist bluntly told me I was an "enabler". That word just reverberated through my head, as I walked out of her office kind of stunned. "Aren't we supposed to help our own?" That was my inner retort, but as I reeled the tapes of incidences with my two, their failure to manage caring for themselves and growing up, "adulting", they say, I realized that the more we helped them, the more they felt entitled, the less they tried.</p><p>They didn't get better, they got worse.</p><p>What 25 year old wants to listen to their parent, or in-law for that matter? Most of them seem to think they know everything. They will choose as they do.</p><p>You can suggest counseling, hopefully they will agree.</p><p>You didn't cause this, can't control it or cure it.</p><p>Is your husband on the same page with you? I would definitely start to figure out a plan that the both of you could stand by. Be honest with your daughter and son in law, let them know how you feel and give them a timeframe. Then stick by it. That is the hard part. Hopefully they will wake up and take on their responsibility. If they don't, it is imperative for you and your husband to know what <em>your</em> next step is. That is tough love, because what parent wants to see their kids struggle? On the same token, parents help their adult kids all the time, but there has got to be some initiative on their part, some forward movement.</p><p>This is a good, <em>real life </em>example of letting your daughter know <em>what you do not want to happen</em>. That you know she is capable. That you are going to start to give her the reins to her life back. She is old enough to take care of herself, and you know her potential. She has to be the captain of her own ship.</p><p>Please know you are not alone. Most of us are here because our adult kids are floundering. We want to help them, but not to the point where they continue to make choices that lead to consequences that <em>prevent them from thriving.</em></p><p>Love says no. No, I will not fund your choices to smoke weed and not take care of your responsibilities. They can stand on their own two feet,<em> if they choose to.</em></p><p>That to me is truly helping, helping them see their value and worth and capabilities. This means saying no. Nothing changes, if nothing changes.</p><p>When we make a decision to stop allowing our adult kids to live off of us, it feels strange. Almost like abandonment. We are not abandoning them, just showing them by word and action, that<em> they can take care of themselves</em>, if they choose.</p><p>These feelings that run through us are strong and we need to work hard at strengthening ourselves for whatever comes down the road of this. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Find ways to take care of yourself. We get lost in this shuffle, when the kids behave in ways we never imagined. It is important to fortify yourself and know you are doing the right thing for your daughter and for yourselves. There are websites and books and videos that can guide you along whatever path you choose. We are not experts here, just folks who have similar experiences with our beloveds, it is heartwrenching.</p><p>I am sorry for you troubles. There is a way through this, and that is to start to change your way of reacting to the consequences of their choices. To switch your focus on to self care. That is not selfish, Struggling, it is after all <em>what we wish for our kids, to be able to take care of themselves.</em></p><p>When we take care of ourselves, we are leading by example and we learn to set healthy boundaries. Boundaries help our adult kids learn that we will not be taken for granted, or taken advantage of.</p><p>Then, they have to look themselves in the mirror and figure out what they need to do, to do better.</p><p>Many warm hugs to you.</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 728916, member: 19522"] Oh my, 25. [I]Old enough to be on their own. [/I]To know better, to do better. I am sorry for your heartache watching this go down. So it seems they have been struggling for two years now. Our adult kids will shun a "conventional" lifestyle, but have no problem living off their "conventional" parents. For me, I am on a widows budget and can't afford to foot that load. We won't be around forever to fund these adult kids who go off the rails and figure they can lean on their parents. I would definitely find counseling, [I]for myself. [/I]It is not easy to get off the enabling path, I got so caught up in trying to help, it really hurt when a therapist bluntly told me I was an "enabler". That word just reverberated through my head, as I walked out of her office kind of stunned. "Aren't we supposed to help our own?" That was my inner retort, but as I reeled the tapes of incidences with my two, their failure to manage caring for themselves and growing up, "adulting", they say, I realized that the more we helped them, the more they felt entitled, the less they tried. They didn't get better, they got worse. What 25 year old wants to listen to their parent, or in-law for that matter? Most of them seem to think they know everything. They will choose as they do. You can suggest counseling, hopefully they will agree. You didn't cause this, can't control it or cure it. Is your husband on the same page with you? I would definitely start to figure out a plan that the both of you could stand by. Be honest with your daughter and son in law, let them know how you feel and give them a timeframe. Then stick by it. That is the hard part. Hopefully they will wake up and take on their responsibility. If they don't, it is imperative for you and your husband to know what [I]your[/I] next step is. That is tough love, because what parent wants to see their kids struggle? On the same token, parents help their adult kids all the time, but there has got to be some initiative on their part, some forward movement. This is a good, [I]real life [/I]example of letting your daughter know [I]what you do not want to happen[/I]. That you know she is capable. That you are going to start to give her the reins to her life back. She is old enough to take care of herself, and you know her potential. She has to be the captain of her own ship. Please know you are not alone. Most of us are here because our adult kids are floundering. We want to help them, but not to the point where they continue to make choices that lead to consequences that [I]prevent them from thriving.[/I] Love says no. No, I will not fund your choices to smoke weed and not take care of your responsibilities. They can stand on their own two feet,[I] if they choose to.[/I] That to me is truly helping, helping them see their value and worth and capabilities. This means saying no. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. When we make a decision to stop allowing our adult kids to live off of us, it feels strange. Almost like abandonment. We are not abandoning them, just showing them by word and action, that[I] they can take care of themselves[/I], if they choose. These feelings that run through us are strong and we need to work hard at strengthening ourselves for whatever comes down the road of this. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Find ways to take care of yourself. We get lost in this shuffle, when the kids behave in ways we never imagined. It is important to fortify yourself and know you are doing the right thing for your daughter and for yourselves. There are websites and books and videos that can guide you along whatever path you choose. We are not experts here, just folks who have similar experiences with our beloveds, it is heartwrenching. I am sorry for you troubles. There is a way through this, and that is to start to change your way of reacting to the consequences of their choices. To switch your focus on to self care. That is not selfish, Struggling, it is after all [I]what we wish for our kids, to be able to take care of themselves.[/I] When we take care of ourselves, we are leading by example and we learn to set healthy boundaries. Boundaries help our adult kids learn that we will not be taken for granted, or taken advantage of. Then, they have to look themselves in the mirror and figure out what they need to do, to do better. Many warm hugs to you. Leafy [/QUOTE]
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