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Choosing to be homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 728926" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>What they are doing is squatting. It isn't tiny living. If it is their dream, then let them live it FULLY. Let them handle their bills. They have college degrees, they are smart enough to figure out that if you don't pay your lot rent or your other bills, you have to find a new lot and new sources for those other things. Turn off the showers, stop giving them money. Tell them that they are now ADULTS and it is time for them to support themselves. </p><p></p><p>Blow their minds. Tell them that you are thrilled that they have found their dream and that it is so affordable. You are absolutely positive that they can figure out how to afford it without any help from you. Of course you can give them the odd meal when you are wanting to, or whatever else. But right now? You are enabling them to spend all their money on marijuana. If they didn't have you paying the bills, they wouldn't have so much money for pot. </p><p></p><p>It is rather simple, if you think about it. Let them get stinky without showers. Sure they will get angry. That is why you don't have to answer their calls or even your door. They are not stupid. They WILL figure out how to survive without having you pay for everything. It just won't be as easy and comfortable for them. You will have to have a difficult talk with your friend about the kids having to pay their own rent, and you being perfectly fine if they are thrown off the lot.</p><p></p><p>I advise getting a therapist to help talk you through this process. Detaching with love isn't easy. You can teach them to be respectful as you go through this process, if they get angry and demanding, but it isn't fun to go through. Some parents here will tell an angry and demanding child that they cannot call for 24 hours if the child is abusive or disrespectful on the phone. Phone calls and texts are not answered for the next 24 hours. If the child tries to call during that time, they get another 24 hours. These are adult children, of course. If the child has a legitimate emergency, you will get a call from a hospital or a jail. Not from your child's cell phone. Any other problems, the child is old enough and smart enough to figure out for themselves.</p><p></p><p>You could even be kind enough to give your adult children a list of shelters and food banks in your area, if you feel compelled. Given their ages and educations, I probably would not. </p><p></p><p>Read the article near the top of the forum on Detachment. It may give you a lot of strength. You also may find support by going to AlAnon and/or NarcAnon meetings. These are for families of substance abusers and give a whole lot of help and support. </p><p></p><p>You raised your kids. By 25 many of us were parents. I had 2 kids by then. If your son and his wife want to live in a tiny house like squatters, that is their business. But it needs to be ALL their business. It isn't up to you to support them, no matter how appalled you are by their choices. When they are hungry enough, they will find food. WHen they are tired of stinking, they will find a shower at a friends or at a truck stop. You don't run a shelter or a truck stop. Isn't it time they had to actually pay the price for their choices?</p><p></p><p>Of course this is a process. It isn't easy on you. But there is help here and at AlAnon/NarcAnon and you might even want to see a therapist to help. Many parents find that helpful as they go through this process. If your adult children are choosing pot over basic necessities, they may have a problem. If they do, it is their problem. They won't ever get help until they are sick and miserable of their lives. The easier you make their lives, the harder things will be when they are ready to get clean. You don't want to be dealing with this when they are 45, do you?</p><p></p><p>Do what you can, as you can. We know you cannot take all the advice right away. No one here will judge you for not immediately cutting them off (or for immediately cutting them off). This is a journey, not a jump. It is as individual as each member on it. Know that we are here and we support you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 728926, member: 1233"] What they are doing is squatting. It isn't tiny living. If it is their dream, then let them live it FULLY. Let them handle their bills. They have college degrees, they are smart enough to figure out that if you don't pay your lot rent or your other bills, you have to find a new lot and new sources for those other things. Turn off the showers, stop giving them money. Tell them that they are now ADULTS and it is time for them to support themselves. Blow their minds. Tell them that you are thrilled that they have found their dream and that it is so affordable. You are absolutely positive that they can figure out how to afford it without any help from you. Of course you can give them the odd meal when you are wanting to, or whatever else. But right now? You are enabling them to spend all their money on marijuana. If they didn't have you paying the bills, they wouldn't have so much money for pot. It is rather simple, if you think about it. Let them get stinky without showers. Sure they will get angry. That is why you don't have to answer their calls or even your door. They are not stupid. They WILL figure out how to survive without having you pay for everything. It just won't be as easy and comfortable for them. You will have to have a difficult talk with your friend about the kids having to pay their own rent, and you being perfectly fine if they are thrown off the lot. I advise getting a therapist to help talk you through this process. Detaching with love isn't easy. You can teach them to be respectful as you go through this process, if they get angry and demanding, but it isn't fun to go through. Some parents here will tell an angry and demanding child that they cannot call for 24 hours if the child is abusive or disrespectful on the phone. Phone calls and texts are not answered for the next 24 hours. If the child tries to call during that time, they get another 24 hours. These are adult children, of course. If the child has a legitimate emergency, you will get a call from a hospital or a jail. Not from your child's cell phone. Any other problems, the child is old enough and smart enough to figure out for themselves. You could even be kind enough to give your adult children a list of shelters and food banks in your area, if you feel compelled. Given their ages and educations, I probably would not. Read the article near the top of the forum on Detachment. It may give you a lot of strength. You also may find support by going to AlAnon and/or NarcAnon meetings. These are for families of substance abusers and give a whole lot of help and support. You raised your kids. By 25 many of us were parents. I had 2 kids by then. If your son and his wife want to live in a tiny house like squatters, that is their business. But it needs to be ALL their business. It isn't up to you to support them, no matter how appalled you are by their choices. When they are hungry enough, they will find food. WHen they are tired of stinking, they will find a shower at a friends or at a truck stop. You don't run a shelter or a truck stop. Isn't it time they had to actually pay the price for their choices? Of course this is a process. It isn't easy on you. But there is help here and at AlAnon/NarcAnon and you might even want to see a therapist to help. Many parents find that helpful as they go through this process. If your adult children are choosing pot over basic necessities, they may have a problem. If they do, it is their problem. They won't ever get help until they are sick and miserable of their lives. The easier you make their lives, the harder things will be when they are ready to get clean. You don't want to be dealing with this when they are 45, do you? Do what you can, as you can. We know you cannot take all the advice right away. No one here will judge you for not immediately cutting them off (or for immediately cutting them off). This is a journey, not a jump. It is as individual as each member on it. Know that we are here and we support you. [/QUOTE]
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