Christmas dilemma....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Oct 11, 2011.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    husband and I are really thinking about going home for Christmas this year. difficult child is in no position to receive gifts - everything I buy her gets lost or stolen, so I am doing a gift card this year. easy child is at the age where all he wants his clothes, but doesn't want mom picking them out - so, again, gift card. No big Christmas morning this year, so it is the perfect time to go.

    Here is my dilemma, I feel like if we don't take difficult child with us, we are deserting her over the holidays. Yet, I really don't think I could deal with her being stuck in a car, or at a hotel. She still has MAJOR attitude and I really had to work at biting my lip yesterday (and didn't do a very good job at that). When difficult child is pleasant to be around, it is great. But with the drugs, her attitude just HOOVERS. And yes, she admitted she is still using. In her words, not nearly as much as she used to. What ever. Using is using. She had two sores on her face that she swore were not sores. She claims one was a burn from glass??!! I called BS, of course. Everytime I looked at her it just upset me to the core. I am sitting there thinking, what am I doing?? Here I am trying to get her through bartending school for the week as another way of "saving" her and it is not going to. There is nothing I can do to save her. She has to save herself and honestly, I don't think she thinks there is anything wrong with her lifestyle.

    She is into bad stuff. The people she is with is into bad stuff. Identity fraud, credit card fraud, drugs, etc. Makes me just want to puke thinking about it.

    I also need to make a phone call today that I am nervous to make. I brought her to class last night, but one of her roomates was picking her up after. Problem with that is that I don't know if she took off after I left. I looked at the phone records and she was on the phone during class time. Now, I need to find out if she left, or if the calls were made during breaks. If I find out she took off, I am going to be livid. Not only did I pay for the enrollment, but I paid her rent on the premise that she was going to school. She swears she did not take off, but I cannot believe anything she tells me. So, I need to call the school to ask if my adult daughter stayed the whole time for class. Nice.

    Anyhow, I know she gets setimental over the holidays and may be devastated if we left with out her. My mom guilt kicks in and feels like we cannot do this to her. So, I am sitting here thinking could I deal with her on a vacation? No, I don't think so. I think I would be thoroughly embarassed to have her with us, as sad as that is to say. But it seems so unfair that we would miss out on seeing our family over Christmas because she is where she is in life right now....

    Advice? Thoughts? What would you do?
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Can't give any advice on the trip. Sorry, that's up to you. on the other hand, I seem to recall from difficult child#1 that sores on the face are common when you use ?? If I had to guess I would say meth. That sounds like a major concern. on the other hand, if she is not prepared to make changes guess there is nothing you could do anyway. Hugs. DDD
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just checked and often meth use is the problem. Sorry to bear bad news. DDD
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Oh, believe me, I knew what it was. When I first discovered her meth problem, she had sores on her face and looked like he!!. So when I saw her yesterday, I knew and she did not deny that she does use. I was absolutely, positively disgusted. The more I think about how I felt just being around her yesterday, the more I am leaning towards going up north to be with family for the holidays. I think if she was around us, she would just be a huge B like she was yesterday and ruin everyone's holiday. I did give her a dose of truth yesterday - told her that her atttiude will get her NO where. That NO ONE needs to deal with that and if she goes into any interview with that attitude, they will NEVER hire her. Nevermind the fact that she goes in with any kind of sores on her face....ugh. I honestly see no hope right now when it comes to her. :(
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I've never coped with meth, thank God, but evidently it is one of the very hardest addictions to overcome. difficult child#1 has a long time friend who also had his teeth rot. I'm not trying to be the "voice of gloom" but when an addiction actually effects your appearance (visible to the world, for heavens sake) detox etc. seems necessary. I don't think very many can overcome on their own. Yes, I know, she is the one who has to take the steps whenever she is ready. Sad.

    Based on your further description I think I would leave her home and take a family break...making sure your house and possessions are safe. It will do you a world of good returning to a GFGless environment. Hugs. DDD
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh PG you are dealing with some heavy stuff. I went hrough all that, checking on her and finding out she wasn't attending classes at the community college that I was paying for and instead driving off with some guys smoking pot all day. You are finding out that you can't believe anything she says and you get your hopes up thinking things are going ok and then they get dashed when you find out it's all a lie.

    I say go home. She will have to deal with the disappointment. It will bother you more than it will bother her. When husband and easy child and I went on vacation this summer I was afraid to tell her. She didn't care,she was more concerned about leaving the sober house with this new guy she met and jumping off cliffs into the water. It's the day she got pregnant. So while I was sad that we left her behind she was off having fun with some idiot felon.

    We just talked about Christmas last night. We don't want to stay around home because I am estranged from my dad and sister right now over difficult child issues and husband's extended family is having Christmas on Dec 10 so we have nothing to keep us here over the holiday. We decided we are going to go somewhere, maybe Las Vegas for a few days to change the routine. I'm sorry difficult child can't join us but that is no place for her anyway and she chose the lifestyle that she did and now we have to live our lives like we choose.

    I say do whatever will make you and the rest of your family happy this holiday. difficult child will survive and do quite well. My advice is to not take her, it will be a disaster.

    Let us know what you find out about the school last night.

  7. keista

    keista New Member

    I'm not in your position, BUT when I was growing up, Dad took us everywhere with him. Once we moved out of the house, the travel train immediately stopped. For local family stuff, it actually stopped before the sisters and I left the house. Either he wanted to do stuff before or after, or we did, so even for local trips we had to take ourselves.

    I don't know your whole family dynamic, and the first time plans are different for the holidays is hard on everyone, even PCs and easy child families.

    You have every right to change your traditional plans. If family togetherness were that important to her, she'd be making more of an effort to be part of the family. Go and enjoy yourself, and leave your "mom guilt" behind
  8. Cheerwyn

    Cheerwyn New Member

    How sad that a normally happy time of the year is so difficult for you.

    Of course, only you can make the decisoin, but here's one more thing to think about. As other posters have said, she has to be the one that decides that she doesn't want to use drugs anymore (and the whole lifestyle that goes with it). Part of her getting to that point is dealing with the consequences of her current lifestyle. Yes, you may feel terrible for not including her in your holiday plans, but in the long run, you are showing her that she can't continue on with her current habits and still expect things to be "normal."
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi PG,

    Oh these situations do sure pull at our heartstrings don't they? I really feel for you. Here are my thoughts....

    Meth is such a serious drug and serious addiction. Your difficult child needs serious help and you are absolutely right you can't do it for her, she has to want this herself. Doesn't sound like she is there at this point in time. Unfortunately if she is admitting to using, just not as much, she is probably using a lot. I think we all know that our difficult child addicts admit to a lot less drug use than is reality. I can imagine the dread and need you have to find out if she went to class... my guess is she didn't but hopefully that is just me being cynical.

    So given that she has a serious drug addiction I really don't think you can make your Xmas plans revolve around her at all. Who knows if she would even show up if you stayed at home? And if you did stay home and she is actively using good chance she would ruin it for you all and for easy child. I think at this point you need to think about your self and easy child and what is good for him. Would he like to go away for Xmas? If so then I think you should definitely go and leave guilty behind.

    If you do go I would be absolutely honest with her about why you are going without her. "I don't trust you to be pleasant and enjoyable since you are actively using drugs". And yes go without her.... bad enough she could ruin an Xmas at home but it would be awful to have her do that while you are visiting family!

    And who knows it may be what she needs to take a look at herself and her choices. It was hard this summer when we went overseas without my son and he ended up homeless....yet I had a good time in spite of him. AND I think that experience with us being away and him really having to fend for himself did something to him.... such that a couple weeks after we got back he really asked for help and is now in rehab. I think he was pretty miserable and finally came to the conclusion he doesn't want to be miserable... now as we all know there is no guarantee that will last but still at least it is a ray of hope.

    I hope you go and that you have a great time too.

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Christmas is actually a very stressful time for many people. All holidays are. And if you are having trouble with a family member, that makes it worse.

    in my opinion I'd go and have fun. She made her bed...let her lie in it. Why should she spoil the holiday for you because of her choices?

    Although meth is very hard to kick, you CAN do it. My daughter kicked it (she looked terrible while using...rail thin with a terrible complexion). She kicked it without any inpatient treatment or help from outside sources so, while it's hard, it's possible, if you want it badly enough. If she quits drugs and changes her attitude, she can go with you next year...but I wouldn't destroy my holiday for a child who is involved in bad things and is not even trying to change. You deserve to have a life. And she will know darn well why she couldn't go with. IF she feels deserted, maybe that will be one more motive to maybe push her to quit.
    (((Hugs))). First hand, I know how hard this is.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I didn't have this issue with Miss KT (knock wood) but my bff and her husband were both heavy users. The sores, the brown teeth, the missing teeth, the skinny to the bone figure, and the irrational thinking...since your daughter is not herself right now, I would not include her in your Christmas plans, and I would hire a big strong muscle-bound house sitter to keep the place safe while you are gone.

    Many hugs.
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I have to agree with the other posters. Go. Have someone watch your house.


    Buy the gift card, but make sure it doesn't have a expiration or fee date on it. Then hold it. Tell her that she will receive her Christmas gift when she decides to help herself. Don't just give her "money".

    :hugs: I am so sorry...
  13. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I too think that you should make plans with the rest of your family. As for difficult child, I would hesitate to even get her a gift card until you know she's clean and working on sobriety.

    We used to by gift cards for my sister in law (now dead from years of drug and alcohol abuse). We carefully chose stores like Walmart that don't sell cigarettes or alcohol, so that we could limit what she could get with the gift cards. It never occurred to us that she would sell the cards for cash, and then use that money to feed her habit. From the sounds of it, anything you give your difficult child will be used to feed her habit in one way or another. I would feel very uncomfortable giving her anything that she can turn into drugs.

    I'm so sorry that you're facing such a heart-wrenching situation when planning what should be a joyous occasion.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im so sorry PG that Xmas is bringing about such sad emotions for you.

    We had to leave Cory out of our holiday plans on several occasions due to his issues. No they werent drug related but they were difficult child issues. Sometimes I simply didnt want to be around his crapola at that time of year so we went up to my middle son's house and then dropped by my dad's on the way home. During those times I just left Cory alone at the house. Or he had already moved out.

    I think you should go without her. Until she realizes what she has lost, she has no reason to change or want what she has lost back. I will be honest, almost losing me really made my son stop and think about life and how he would feel if he knew I had died and he had never changed his life for the better. I would have died being mad at him and thinking he was a screw up. He didnt like that and wanted to do better. He has.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Have someone watch the house. Give difficult child her gift, maybe treat her to a nice "holiday dinner" somewhere. And GO home and enjoy your xmas.
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I can't imagine, but this answer sounds great. So do all the other wise ones below.... Sorry this is so hard.
  17. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I love you all. Thank you. husband made it a lot easier when we talked last night. He balked that I would even have given a thought to her coming with us. And I am leaning towards going!!! Even if we stayed home and she came over, it would be a disaster. Her attitude stinks and husband has so very little patience when it comes to her B attitude. I think traditional Christmases are over for now at this stage in life. Talked to easy child about the idea and he asked if difficult child was going. He seemed very relieved when I said no and then said he wouldn't mind at all. My hopes are that difficult child will be working full time by then anyway..... :)

    I did find out she was at class the whole time. The calls were made on the 15 minute breaks they get. I felt so dumb, but sheesh, goes to show you how little I can trust difficult child. We grabbed a bite to eat before class last night and she showed me her book, all the notes she made, etc. I was impressed she took a lot of notes.

    She is very down and sullen when she is with me. She snaps at me. Always talks to me like she is annoyed with me. I know a lot of it is from the drug use, but boy she gets on the phone with one of her friends and she is laughing and smiling and carrying on. She snapped at me before I left as I was holding her backpack. I dropped it in front of her and started walking to my car to leave. All of a sudden it was "I love you mom!"....

    I have to remind myself that she is now an adult and free to live her life as she chooses. I need to stop acting like a crazy woman trying to find out her every move. I noticed myself really start to revert back into codependancy this week. I could feel myself being drawn away from my work, my husband, easy child and spiralling right back into the worry and seeking some kind of control. I always wonder if I say something, it will be what turns on the lightbulb and makes her want a different life. I asked her if she was getting tired of this lifestyle and she just kind of mocked me saying, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?". Nice wake up call for me. I looked for a meeting last night and my gosh - for such a big state we do not have enough meetings!! Once a month is not enough. Ugh.

    3 more nights of bringing her to school and then time to get back OFF of the rollercoaster.
  18. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I took a small step this morning in letting go....

    She lost her ID, along with her passport and everything else. I offered to take her to the DMV to get another one. We went on Monday, but they were closed. So, I told her the next time I could take her would be Wednesday morning. I told her if she wanted a ride to get a picture ID that she had to call me early - reminded her again last night. She has been up on the phone all night (after practically falling asleep in the car before class - hmmm, somehow she got a second wind? Yeah right.), but she has not called me for a ride. Normally, I would be contacting her asking if she was ready. Nope. Not doing it. If she doesn't call early enough, no ride....sorry....
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG my difficult child acted the same way toward me when she was using and to her friends she was charming. I think it was because when she was around me she was always on the offensive, trying to hide her life, not wanting me to ask questions, being nasty to me so I would just not ask anything. She hated being around me and not with her using friends. Now that she is on her own, and sober, she can be pleasant around me because I don't ask anything and she can't live here anymore so she's free to dowhatever she wants.

    Our Christmases of the past are gone also. That's why I want to do something different this year with the people who really want to be together as a family.

  20. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    This is exactly why we want to go to Massachusetts for Christmas. My husband's aunt throws a BIG family get together every Christmas Eve. It is tradition and filled with family and love. I miss my inlaws so much I could cry. Yeah, I think we are going to go and difficult child will need to live with the mess she has made. I will let her know that her drug use and subsequent attitude are the reasons I won't even consider her coming with us. If she was clean and drug free it would be different, but she is not. I don't want her grandparents to see her the way she is. No way.