Christmas worries

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Donna illig, Nov 29, 2016.

  1. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    im worried my daughter is going to show up Christmas with her boyfriend. I kicked them out recently for drugging and stealing numerous things from me. Also I think they were selling from my house. I know I need to detach, but should I let them in my house? I'm afraid I won't be able to get them to leave, and especially if their still drugging.
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    To be blunt, NO!!!!!
    Your daughter has given you no reason to trust her.
    Remember, your home is where you should feel safe. I know this is hard but you have to do what is best for YOU!
    There was a period of time that I did not know where my son was and I was on high alert. I expected him to show up at my front door and even the back door! I went over in my mind many times what I would do.
    I would never open the door if I saw him there. I would tell him he could not come in and that he had to leave. I was also prepared to call the police if he didn't leave. I was also prepared for him to scream ugly things at me that my neighbors might here. So be it.
    My son never did "show" up but I'm glad that I was prepared if he did.
    The best thing you can do is to have a plan of what you will do and say, be prepared.

    You will get through this!

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  3. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member
    That was easy!
    So very much easier to see the right thing for some one else!
    If she calls and says she wants to come over, IF you are willing to see her, suggest instead that you meet in some public place, from which you can easily leave.
    If she just shows up, after what has happened, KNOW that that is manipulative and abusive...that is not loving, that is not your baby girl. That is an adult who knows she can push you around. Channel some strength around that idea, channel some anger, and do NOT let her in. Tell her you weren't expecting her and now isn't a good time. Tell her you would love to meet her later at the coffee shop. Don't open the door. If she argues and yells, walk AWAY from the door. Have a phone near the door so you can call 911 if you have to. Tell her you will call the police if she stands at the door yelling.
    Do not let her in.
    Meet her somewhere else if you want to see her. If you don't want to see her, don't do that either. If you offer to meet her somewhere else and she refuses...well then, we know what her true agenda is, don't we. She wants to get into the house, not to see you.

    Hugs in these challenging days.

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  4. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    NO, Donna
    From what you also described on your previous thread about your daughter and boyfriend, I agree with the others, for you to be firm in not letting them in your home. I know it is hard for you to take stand, but it is the only way, to set your firm boundaries.

    Keep reading and posting here on the forum, as the detachment mind-set and commitment to detach keeps building stronger each day, as you get encouragement, wisdom and insight from other warrior moms here, who have been through and are going through similar issues. We understand and you are not alone.

    You can do it! And you are going to be alright! Take care.
  5. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    You might try writing down a list of possible responses and posting it by the front door (in case she comes over) and the phone (in case she calls).
    "now is not a good time."
    "lets meet at the coffee shop on Thursday"
    "not today"
    "thats too bad. I can't do it right now"
    "if you keep yelling I will have to call the police"
    "you need to leave now"
    "I'm leaving now"
    It helps me to remember that my job is not to get them to agree, or to see it my way. That is very very unlikely to happen. My job is only to stand my ground. That is your job too. You can't control her behavior. You can only control your own.

    Echo (the bad buddhist)
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  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is it in a nutshell.

    But remember, if there are threats (verbal or aggression) call the police, and follow up with a restraining order. Nobody should have to live in their own house afraid or intimidated.

    Intimidation, the attempt to control you, that you give up your power over your own place, yourself, your voice--is wrong. While it may not cross over to criminality, I would not wait for this to happen. If anybody resists our authority over ourselves, in our home--we need to act to stop them. Even if we (especially) we love them. We cannot let loved ones abuse us. Or anybody.
  7. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

  8. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I wouldn't let them stay overnight.
  9. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    Thank you! I will not let them in my house, but I know I will probably have to ft md Egypt
  10. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    Thank you! I'm afraid if I let them in the house they will not leave.
  11. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

  12. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    Thank you! I'm going to try and be strong. I'm going to try and find an al anon or mark a
  13. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

  14. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    Thank you! One day I hope I can give some hope to others that need it.
  15. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

  16. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    Thank you for your advice. I know I'm in a crisis right now, but hopefully one day I can help others like all of us that have made it diffult for us to go on with our lives.
  17. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

  18. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    Thank you so much for your advice.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We give our best help not expecting anything back, hon. We just care.

    Short answers: Don't let either in and if they won't leave call the police. Your safety is important. You matter. You matter just as much as they do.

    Longer answer: This isn't your little girl. This is a dangerous drug addict and a grown woman, with a dangerous man with her to boot. They are not cute little kids. They associate with dangerous people and sell drugs themselves.

    Would you tell anyone else in your situation to let them in?

    They are criminals right now. Stay safe!!!! Please! We are all holding your hand!
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  20. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Donna, this is so true. Trust us. Stay with us. You WILL feel stronger and more confident about the sense detachment makes.