Circle of support for klmnopqrstuvwxy

[Mattsmom277]

My bad, my first thought was that if he was old enough to not listen to his own mama, he sure is old enough to not be impacted by his drama queen gran isn't he? As for loving him more than you, it sounds from all of your posts of her, that is not capable of a healthy form of love towards anyone. If how she approaches difficult child is "loving him more than you", I'd consider you the lucky one because it sure hasn't helped difficult child at all now has it? Argh. She'd drive the patience of a saint!

I think its time perhaps to consider letting go of those statements that stick like glue after years and years. I speak from my heart as one who often hears that voice in my own head of hateful or cruel or thoughtless comments that stuck through my entire life. She is toxic and unhealthy and incapable of loving healthy balanced relationships. Therefore anything out of her mouth? Not worth the power it holds to hurt you, especially years later. It stung then, and stuck with years and continued stinging. With insight and time you're able to accurately portray her as the disconnected toxic person she is, with her own obvious issues. Allow yourself the peace that comes with letting go of her statements that stuck all this time because it is time now to consider their source. Do not let her words define you or your worth or your value as mother or as the person in control of defining yourself in positive ways. She has had her time and now it is YOUR time.

 

[AnnieO]

Yup.

Fact is - simply enough, who knows what to write to a teen about - especially a difficult child?!

I suggest the above, or - let's not talk about his problems and mistakes. Dwelling on the past won't help, maybe you could write him about making plans for his future...

 

[Star*]

Mattsmom's letter was lovely.

I have a shorter, more abrupt version that probably can't be posted here without being banned. However she is correct. To allow her to know she's gotten under your skin? Well for one? EIther she knows she does and enjoys it immensely so you should never let her see you sweat, or she has no clue and you should never let her see you sweat. I'm going to go with the former rather than the latter. I think the woman thrives on being a pot stir. (not my first choice of words)

Dear Mom,

I'm sure whatever you write will be just fine, send it here first so I can take a case of white out, paste out everything but Dear difficult child and Love Grandma The end. Other than that I'm sure it will be just fine. Love klmnopqrstuvwxyz. Then insert a smiley face or something. Maybe - you could just say - ----At this Point Mom - he's past one of Grandmas little letters and what he could really use is a humorous card. Signed I love you.

I'm out of ideas with your Mom - the woman needs to give you a break.

 

[klmno]

LOL, Starbie! And any suggestions on if it so happens that I'm toxic to my son, for whatever reason that is unknown to me....what should I say to him? Really...I don't want to cost him whatever little chance he has of living a life outside of incarceration/

 

[Star*]

YOU are toxic to him? Is that what HE is saying hon or "THE PEOPLE" are saying? Is THIS is what's got you so wound tight? UFH. No wonder you are so upset.

Listen here girl..........llllllllll...........friend. He's all of what many years old? I've got blinking underpants in my drawers older than him. (not that we need to repeat THAT to anyone) but seriously? He's a child. He's spent a lot of time locked up because he's got a lot of things going on in his head that well - he really hasn't been able to sort out, and I'm guessing that a LOT of them he wants validation of from you. So sure there are some things he wants to blame on you, and there ARE some things that you can be blamed for. NOT his behaviors. He's got himself to answer for that. Parents make mistakes. Kids move on, he had choices for years to get therapy, talke to people, change his stars, be different, and he's CHOSEN to be who he is, where he is, how he is, what he is.....this is not YOUR doing. This is not a result of haphazard mistakes or a Mother that simply didn't have time for her son....if it were? The state would have taken him from you. You wouldn't visit him, you wouldn't CARE what happens to him where he goes after this.

So whatever guilt trip he's trying to lay in your lap? Just like your Mom, and your brother and your boss.....? Stand up and shake them off your lap. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HAPPY, and if that means....telling your MOther to bug out of your life and take your brother with her? Do it. If it means telling your son - YOu know what kid? I love you, I am human, I did the very best I could with what I had, and if that's not good enough for you? YOu can bugger off too, and then close that door too. He's not a baby any more klmno....you're never too old to need your MOm but at some point you ARE too old to be Mommied. He's at that point. If he can't realize that you aren't the root of all his problems then maybe it is time to step out of his life and give him his space and ALLOW him to see that each time he falls? You weren't there tripping him up. Let him go - and allow him the courtesty of not picking him up either. Let him see just how it feels to be made to feel alone in the world - it's not such a great feeling. Family - even with some dysfunctional behaviors can heal. Your family (you and the kid) are NOT a dysfunctional family. You just have dysfunctional behaviors. The family you grew up in however? Was dysfunctional and you worked your literal butt off to make SURE your son didn't have the same kind of family....For that? He should appreciate you to the ends of the earth. Yet here he is feeling sorry for himself and criticizing everything huh?

Someone needs a good dose of grow up ......and someones Mom? Needs to stop feeling guilty for doing the best job she could. AND if there IS some unresolved issue of anger or hatred? WHERE is the mediator that can sit down with the two of you in therapy and work this out BEFORE HE DOES get released? Surely they can NOT tell you that there is NO family counseling that can be done to save him from a lifetime of incarceration IF they knew about a problem that would SOLVE so many problems IF the two of you could work on counseliing over the phone or SKYPE or something.......SERIOUSLY???? NO therapist there would take that on? WTH?

 

[klmno]

thank you, Star. No, difficult child isn't saying I'm toxic to him- I don't even think he knows what that means. LOL! I guess that's my fear- that I am.I'll give things some time. But thank you all for the reassurance I needed regarding my mother- I have no doubt she's toxic to me and has done nothing EVER in difficult child's life to help him grow as a human being. Has she fed him desert, yes, outside of that I can't see that she's done him a bean of good.

 

[Star*]

SO all this is about your MOM?

 

[klmno]

I guess that second to the fear that my family would do to difficult child the same as I had to suffer from them, or that they would "teach " him to be that way to others, then my worry is that I'm toxic to him and can't see it in order to do something about it. I'm tired so maybe that didn't make a lot of sense. I just don't want to be contributing to difficult child's problems, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

 

[Star*]

Well......I think those are pretty normal fears. You had a pretty abnormal life. But it's like I said - You can COME from a dysfunctional family, and have some dysfunctional behaviors in your home, but not necessarily BE a dysfunctional family. YOU and difficult child have been working on stopping the cycle of abuse. YOU have been to counseling, drawing boundaries, I mean look at the last time difficult child did what he did. Did you just sit idly by and do nothing or were you PROACTIVE in saying "OH NO this is NOT going to happen in our family?" YOU WERE PROACTIVE. YOU said this is what will happen IF, you acted on it, you followed through. You have been first and foremost in making sure your son is safe, protected from whatever it is out there that would do him harm. You've put him in places that NO PARENT wants to put their child, but you made sacrifices so that eventually ONE DAY - some of this work that you are doing now? Would have a lasting effect and HOPEFULLY some of it will stick, make him a better person, and give him the chance that YOU never had.

I mean - you made it okay - but if YOU Had been given a parent for yourself like YOU are for difficult child? What a difference it would have made in your life. But you are strong, you worked through the hand you were dealt, and you basically rose out of ashes. Do I think it's affected you and how you see things and how you react to things? Sure. How could it not. But do I think it has to continue to chain you to things in your past to where you have to honor and continue to respect people and ties that hold you back or stifle you now? Hell no. I think if you have things to say? Say them, if you can't say them? Write them down, type them out. Then put them away. At least? Get them out of your minds warehouse and stop worrying about them. BE YOUR OWN PERSON KLMNO. You do not owe your Mom an explaination ONE about your son. Matter of fact if you wrote her and said "Mom at this time, I've decided that it's just in difficult child's best interest NOT to get mail, please respect my wishes. Thank you - KLMNO - THAT would be perfectly fine. If she balks? THAT IS HER PROBLEM. You don't have to deal with the fall out of her anger - THAT IS ON HER. NOT YOU. HOW does she get to YOU if she's angry about YOUR wishes FOR YOUR kid? Call? Hang up. Write - Don't open the letter. Email? Delete it. I mean - SHE DOES NOT OWN YOU. Simply put - She's a person just like you - that can no longer HURT you. This you have to know.

So...instead of thinking you have done something BAD for difficult child why not spend your time thinking about all the GOOD you have DONE for difficult child. THe rest as it were - is on HIM. Mom time basically over. Raising the bird? Pretty much complete. Out of the nest - etc...etc... Get yourself a hobby.....enjoy your life. Let Son enjoy his......and find PEACE ---YOUR PEACE. It's a journey ...and you're on it. Those who do not HELP you achieve your goal of finding YOUR PEACE - are not welcome.

 

[Hound dog]

I have a shorter version for your Mom.

Dear Mom,

Bvtt out and go stir up trouble elsewhere, we've had enough.


Star is right. You owe your Mom nothing, nada, zip.

Hugs

 

[TerryJ2]

Sorry I'm so late, but I'm still sending support from Virginia.

So sorry about your drama mom. Ugh. Just what you need.
I'm glad you got sleep, though. It makes such a huge difference.

 

[klmno]

Thank you all again. I didn't email my mother back last night but will do it this evening and catch up on some other people's threads here now that I've regrouped. I got a call from the man that does quartly spraying for bugs in the house yesterday and he's coming over in a few to spray the house so I need to wait to get that over- or at least underway and the dogs in another room. I want to go back and read some of these suggestions again, too, before emailing my mother. I have to still keep in mind that she can stir up koi by calling police or juvenile courts here saying she hasn't heard from difficult child in abc amount of time, I'm coming between them, she has grandparent's rights, she's flipped out over the CA trial and can't even be sure I'm telling the truth about difficult child being in Department of Juvenile Justice. Yes, of course thewy can verify it, but it just stirs up more koi, you know?

 

[Star*]

Here's one for you to ponder...........

SPEAK YOUR MIND EVEN IF YOUR VOICE SHAKES. Pretty strong words...I like them.

There is NO time limit on getting back to your MOm and if she pushes you? Just say "Oh Mom you know how it is - I'll get back to you, GOTTA GO - click." No need....to speed and say things in haste your words are precious, no sense for waste."

Gosh that was on the fly - pretty good. (buffs fingers on chest) hahahah.

 

[DammitJanet]

K...there are NO grandparents rights in NC and she lives in NC so she has NO rights. Bites but thats it in a nutshell. It doesnt bite for you but it bites for me.

She cant do anything to you about your kid. I let my fear of my mom drive me to stand back and let her threaten me with her taking Billy away from me over and over again. In the end, he lived with her more than he did with me and it pretty much ruined his childhood. While she wasnt as bad to him as she was to me, she still was crazy.

You do not have to be afraid of a grandparent. Not when there is no grandparent rights and even if there were? Omgosh, the heck you have to go through to get them established is a nightmare if you are wanting to try to take the kid away. Its not even possible in your case.