Circle of Support for New Leaf and her Husband

HMBgal

Well-Known Member
I hope things are going as well as can be hoped under the circumstances and that you are managing okay. It takes so much courage and energy to grieve. I hope you are being kind to yourself.
 

so ready to live

Well-Known Member
Leafy-I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for the beautiful (as usual) poem reminding us all of the preciousness of life. I have cherished your advice over these months. Prayers.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Thank you all. As the days pass there are so many emotions. I don't know if one can ever prepare for this. I miss my husband very much. I knew him for 43 years, married for 36.
The shock and intensity of his illness and the lack of care in the hospital haunts me. It seems the doctors missed the mark in so many ways. Perhaps the end result would have been the same.....who knows? Because there were so many discrepancies and delays in treatment, I asked for an autopsy and will retrieve the medical report. Interviewed with a malpractice firm and they have decided to review the records based on my recollections. It was a horrific way to die. Hubs suffered so. They should have never released him when they did, and when we ended up back in the ER, should have placed him in ICU, as the admitting Doctor said they would. I write this to you all so that if you or your loved one is in the hospital, please be aware of what could happen.Hubs ended up severely edemic in his feet, legs, abdomen, hands. We followed up with his cardiologist who only prescribed dieretics, even though I emphasized hubs weakness, insomnia due to shortness of breath and overall debilitating illness. I think his Doctor should have readmitted him. He ended up with bilateral pulmonary edema. They let him gasp for breath all day, infused him with lasix, neglected to check his urine output, and eventually put him in ICU and intubated him. They said his kidneys failed and had me sign for dialysis, then didn't put him on the machine until five hours later. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Needless to say, my faith in hospitals and Doctors has been sorely tested. I am not a vindictive person, but realized that if I just go to patient advocacy with my concerns, nothing will come of it. I don't want anyone else to go through this. I understand that hospitals are busy and everyone is overburdened. But, when a loved one is struggling to breath and the nurse is typing away at her computer and casually asks " Do you think he has anxiety?" something is very wrong. I can remember repeating "Please help my husband, can't you help him?"
I am plagued by this. All they could reply was that his oxygen levels were sufficient. When I asked the Doctor why they let my hubs suffer so, he said that they try to let the body heal itself first, before using machines.
I am going one day at a time, trying to pick up all of the loose ends, and swallow the guilt that I did not turn into a screaming maniac to get someone to help my husband. We trusted the Doctors too much.
If you end up in a frustrating situation in the hospital, trust your instincts.
Nights are the most difficult when the house is quiet and I am left with my thoughts.
I am most thankful for your kindness in reaching out to me.
We will be okay, with Gods grace and help and time.....
(((Hugs)))
Leaf
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry you and your husband was treated this way. It is right to follow up on possible negligence. I often worry how people with no one to advocate for them survive in such a situation.

I hope that your family is being supportive to you.

KSM
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Leafy

So sorry to hear about what your husband went through in his final days and what you had to go through and witness.

I remember a similar situation with my father-in-law. The doctors didn't seem to talk to each other about what was going on with him. We heard so many different things. It was all very confusing.

Praying for your heart to heal from all of this. Take one day at a time.

Big hugs from your family here on CD.
 

Scent of Cedar *

Well-Known Member
I am going one day at a time, trying to pick up all of the loose ends, and swallow the guilt that I did not turn into a screaming maniac to get someone to help my husband.

Leafy, when bad things happen, we berate ourselves for whatever it was we did do, because something awful has come to us that cannot be undone.

But Leafy, whether today or some weeks into the future, this time was coming. For your mate. And for you. It was his time, Leafy. Death is ugly and sad and it does not come easily. In the time of his dying, your mate knew. He knew you as the woman who bore his children and held him close and fought him and fought for him and stood for him then and grieved for the loss of him, now. He saw himself reflected in your loving, horrified eyes and learned himself there and knew that he mattered.

That is the most important thing, New Leaf.

I am deeply sorry his death was so hard.

You were there New Leaf, and none of us can know about last times. You were there for what was, whatever it was. Fully present to him, and to the awful pain of this time. For better or worse, in sickness and in health....

Know that your husband understands everything, now.

He understands, Leafy, and can see what we cannot.

It is like it was for me when my brother died in a way, Leafy. Guilt was not helpful. Neither was it necessary or even, needed.

They say energy is never lost, but only changed. In my belief, we do indeed see one another again. And again and again. We are working together, all of us, everyone we know or do not even know, to create what comes to be.

Not to crack a joke here, but my D H says he is never marrying me again.

Ever.

So, I say I am the one never marrying him.

And we sing that Meatloaf song about passion and the dashboard lights, and are happy, together. For like, a minute.

:O)

Please say no to those feelings of guilt, Leafy.

There is so much still to be done.

Cedar
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
And in the evenings when you are lonely, please log in here.

There are so many that will benefit from your wise words. You don't understand how much you HELP these people!!! (I'm one of them).

You are needed back here!
 

Nature

Active Member
Leafy, How my heart grieves for your loss. You, who help so many with your beautiful words - I'm at a loss of what to say. Please know I'm here as are all the other friends too. You are missed.
 

PonyGirl65

Active Member
((((Leafy)))) I am hugging you in cyber land. I have no words to offer for comfort, only to say, I hear you. I support you. I wish you peace.

I sent your poem Mourning to Morning to my son in prison. He was very moved by your words. Thank you for all you have shared with us.

I hope we can help share the load you are carrying.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
You are right, guilt is not helpful. I will work on that and try to find peace. I still feel in my heart of hearts that things went incredibly wrong in the hospital. I think I will be using that energy to work towards learning more of the condition and building awareness.
There is so much to be done, including getting assistance for my son to deal with the loss of his dad at this tender age. My girls are an amazing help to us and it is good that Hoku is here. We will carry on and grow stronger because we owe it to hubs and his dedication to his family.
Tornado has come around, still fraught with her own difficulties. We have had some tearful exchanges, I suppose which is good in comparison to no contact. I let her know that I love her and the grands dearly, but there were lines crossed many times and I have boundaries. Only time will tell on how she chooses to live her life.
Rain is still drifting in her own world.
It is up to the both of them to figure out what they want to make out of the rest of their lives.
It is a great loss suffered, I do so cherish the good times we both had together. Not too many people of my generation have remained married for so long. It is strange not having hubs physically present. A void, an emptiness, a chasm.
Thank you all for your words of support, understanding and hugs. I am very busy for the next few weeks preparing for this and that, but will check in when I can.
Love to all of you.
I pray Akua watch over all of us and comfort us in our times of need.
Please make sure that you have your papers in order, will, advance directive, etc. no matter what age, time and unforeseen circumstance may befall upon any one of us.
Mahalo nui friends.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I still feel in my heart of hearts that things went incredibly wrong in the hospital.
New Leaf. That is the nature of hospitals, I believe their essential function is to contain disasters and give them another name.

Sometimes they even cause them. My mother died of a hospital based infection that rendered useless any antibiotic. I think of this as a gift. I have said it before. Her love of life was so great she needed the big guns to come after her. And I needed them too. I do not know why this story gives me such comfort, but it does. I could not have dealt *and did not deal with the guilt of deciding that she die. *You see, I blame myself that I did not decide to let her go.

Your husband chose, New Leaf. He chose to go home one last time. He had known for a while. He was preparing. Who can question him?

There are many blessings in his story. He worked until the end. He was purposeful and conscious. He was unwavering in his responsibilities.You shared with us once that he sought you physically, undeterred until the end. As much as any of us do in these matters, he decided. And he lived life on his terms. How blessed is that? Nobody can determine the tragedies that befall us. We can determine our response. He did.

There are many blessings in your husband's life. And in your own.

There is no right way to respond to what you went through. You were in an impossible situation without a good choice. Nonetheless, you chose responsibly and bravely. Nobody alive would have known the best choice. Because there was none. Anybody who says there was is lying.
 

pasajes4

Well-Known Member
My thoughts are with you Leafy. I think that you are being amazingly resilient through all of this. I pray that you are able to find help for your son as he tries to function amid the grief he is feeling. I don't think there is any way to prepare ourselves for the onslaught of so many different emotions connected to the passing of someone we share our everyday lives with.
 

pigless in VA

Well-Known Member
Dear Leafy, I remember how hard those first months were. I remember how adrift and lonely I felt. I joined a widow/widowers board for awhile to talk about all those feelings of grief. I will search for it for you.

When you lose a close loved one, your whole life changes. In the beginning, all you can see are all the bad changes. After time passes, you will learn that there are also some good changes. Nothing that happens to us is ever all bad or all good.

There is also a book called Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst that helped me to put all the changes in my life into perspective. It's also a great resource for people who have other losses, such as divorce or estrangement.

Look for the small joys like a beautiful flower blooming or a small child laughing. Ask friends and family members to spend time with you. Each of those brief moments of peace will be like stepping stones on the path through the grief process.
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
Leafy I am praying for you and holding you close right now. I am so sorry for this, yet another profound loss. Please know your sisters and brothers on this forum are here for you.
 
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