Circle of Support for PaperPlate

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by susiestar, Jan 28, 2013.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Though she is relatively new here, she is having a really rough time. Her husband just walked out supposedly until her difficult child is out of the home. HIS difficult child too! The man hasn't been supportive at all from the sounds of it, so she could probably really use our support.

    Paperplate, just wanted to say that it sounds like you "get it" in regard to your sons problems and how to help him manage them. That is a HUGE and AWESOME thing!!! Often what others see as problems are not when you step back and look at what impact they really have in life. So your difficult child needs half an hour to arrange his socks. As long as he gets up early enough to have that half hour, who cares? Surely it isn't as mind numbing as watching any one of many tv shows. You truly love, care for, and appreciate your child and it shows in your posts. I am so sorry that your husband was not more supportive and involved because it would enrich his own life immensely. It truly is his loss on a grand and fundamental scale.

    I am reaching out from OK to . . . . ?
  2. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Florida. I am very impressed with how you're dealing with your son's issues, and I'm so sorry that your husband is unable/unwilling to cope. On to...
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    MN, With caring thoughts. I pray things work out for the best for you and difficult child. ....on to.......
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Virginia. You are strong and on the right track. Keep your head high. Reaching out to ...
  5. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    Thank you so much. What a sweet thing to do. We're from Ohio. This morning things are easier, just not sure where to go from here. I know there's a ton of stuff I need to do, it's just one of those....where the heck do I start???? LOL I made a few phone calls this morning & I'm staying in the house. My DS13, REALLY doesn't like change at all! Stress is his seizure trigger and I don't want to set him over edge. Right now his seizures are 'sort of' under control. He has another EEG next week. At least he'll keep his health insurance even after a divorce. So, I'm not too panicked about medical bills...yet... We have Blue Cross and sometimes they refuse to pay for a specific doctor, even if the hospital is covered's basically a bunch of red tape bs! But for the most part, the medication bills are manageable. It's all the other stuff. I've NEVER done any of the paperwork. I don't even know how. I've never had access. Money was strictly managed by husband, so now I'm panicking a little bit. Basically I'd get 200$ a week for groceries and gas. Other than that, no bank account etc...So basically, I barely exist on paper, how the heck do I fix that????? Who in their right mind at 37 has nothing in their names? No credit cards, just husband's...How do I fix that? And how do I pay a lawyer? I'm not oblivious to what's been going on for the past 16 years...I wasn't blind or battered, just drawn into a world of complete control. I'm not taking the blame or placing it's just that life happened...children and chaos & somewhere along the way, the lines got blurred and I couldn't see past the nose on my face. Then sometime this year, everything came to a head. It was like suddenly I was looking into the past, present and future all at once and I didn't like what I saw. I was too caught up in dealing with the constant obsessions and compulsions to realize that I had become one of them, something else to control. Finally, on December 14th, my 8 yr olds birthday, we had a defining moment. 20 kids were killed in Connecticut. My 13 yr old, who can't articulate his emotions, had a complete breakdown. The façade came crashing down and I called the Special Education director at my son's school. She actually took the time to come to our home and gave me a referral for family therapy. First time in 16 years it was like this load was just lifted, I wasn't alone anymore. We had multiple phone calls and meetings with doctors, therapists, psychologists.....even a fabulous peds doctor who gave my son a prescription for LEGOs :D And all of this finally broke the camels back. husband became keenly aware that his obsessions played a huge roll in the breakdown of our family. I KNOW he knows that. Which is why he walked away. I wish I had known, that if it was help I needed...all I had to do was ask. I find it extremely profound, that a tragedy hundreds of miles away, set the gears in motion. My son simply couldn't handle what he saw on the tv screen while my 8 yr old blew out his candles... And I didn't know as hurried to flick the tv off, that he'd been so quickly effected. I hadn't even noticed, then my son starting repeating the body count over and over and over. He screamed when I tried to send his little brother to school. His little brother is his best friend. He thought he would die too, I simply couldn't get him to understand that his lil brother would be ok. He'd taken it sooooo literally. That's when I just KNEW something about my son was off. I'd been in denial for years, just conforming to him, just as I did husband. But that moment, that day, defined everything. He was trying to hold DS8 in the house and wouldn't let go. He was absolutely convinced that DS8 would leave for school and never come home. He had so much conviction in his eyes. And that day I made the call for help. husband was angry, he said home is home and nobodies business. But I was overwhelmed and clearly needed assistance. And the therapist, neurologist, peds doctor & neuropsychologist were able to tell almost instantly that he was Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). As I listened to their questions and DS's responses, I felt like a did I not notice how literal his answers were...It blew my mind. But I'd never thought to ask the questions they did. Nobody did. We just assumed the odd behaviors were from the Epilepsy...made sense at the time. I'm not thrilled about the diagnosis, but it explains a lot. Hopefully, it can only get better from this point on.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You're on the road to health and recovery now. After a breakdown, there is always a breakthrough and that is where you find yourself now. The picture is easy to follow, it had to blow up before help could come in and thankfully, it did. I believe you are in a good place to begin again. Find an attorney, they will assist you with a lot of your questions. They will get all the financial data from your husband so you will know where you stand. I am not sure of the laws in your state, but it's likely that your ex will have to pay for the attorney, but look into it. Ask around, ask your friends, your family to help you find the answers, you'll get them, don't worry, there's a lot to do but you will do it, like the rest of us here, one step at a time. Knowing the diagnosis for your son is a blessing. Good work for getting the help your family needed. Good job.
  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Reaching out from nearby IN...

    Start with legal aid and see if they'll get the ball rolling for you in the divorce and child support dept, apply for every kind of aid you can think of, from food stamps to medicaid, ask EVERYONE "Who else can I go to that can maybe help me?" because you never know who knows what information. CPS knows agencies that can help, Salvation Army knows, local churches know, food banks know, son's therapist will know, everyone will know at least one more direction they can point you in and you ask them, too. You're ex-military so be sure to check with your VA and see if you can get any help from that direction, too! You might well qualify for legal aid or other help from them.
  8. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    Grabbing on in IL......wishing you the best as you navigate through this new phase of your life. You are strong and courageous - keep telling yourself that......and onto...
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Also contact your local domestic violence shelters... yes, he WAS abusive - that level of financial control, alone, qualifies as abusive. They may know where to send you for lawyers for these kinds of cases, etc.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    PLEASE don't be afraid to go to a domestic violence center for help. His control truly is abusive, and you really will need help. That is where you will find a lot of help and resources, so don't let the idea that he didn't hit you keep you away.

    The others have had great ideas, and you will find a lot of people willing to help. I know that the Catholic and Jewish churches esp have HUGE supports and are always willing to help. Not sure what part of OH you are in, but I am from Cincy and the Catholic church there is amazingly helpful. You do NOT have to be Catholic or Jewish or a member of a church to have that church help you, not at ALL. they will help ANYONE.

    I am glad you got help when your son fell apart. Do NOT blame yourself for not seeing it before. Our kids don't come with directions. When your first kid has problems, how do you know? You don't have other kids to measure his progress or quirks against, so you really do not have a clue if he is 'normal' or not. He is normal for him, no matter what is going on. So it isn't your fault at all that you didn't figure it out. If I hadn't had a very violent older bro, I would NEVER have figured out that my difficult child had problems and looked so early for help. I just saw parts of my gfgbro that scared me starting to show up in my child. So we went to find help. Heck, half the teachers who worked iwth my son didn't think he had problems until he got stressed over something. So me not knowing for years? Would have been very very easy if I had not been the sibling of someone with them.

    Tomorrow morning you need to go to the dept of human services and apply for foodstamps, TANF, etc.... Your husband will not like it because he will likely have to turn over info to them, but they can get that from HIM. As YOU have no money and no bank account, you will get immediate help. Be sure to take birth certificates and social security numbers with you for each kid and yourself. Call or visit the DV center tomorrow or tonight if you can as they can also help with some of this.
  11. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Reaching out from Toronto, adding in my support.

    Please don't beat yourself up about not recognizing the signs in your son's behaviour. Often it takes multiple turns on the diagnostic merry-go-round before they start to pick everything apart. Once you have a clear diagnosis that makes sense with your son's symptoms -- and it sounds like you do -- getting the right kind of help becomes clearer as well.

    With my difficult child, we didn't really have the full picture until he was 18 or so. And we'd been trying since he was 4 or 5.


    And I agree with the advice about going to the Domestic Violence shelter. They will have resources that can help you.
  12. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Another friend reaching out from Illinois. I'm sending caring thoughts to you for the days ahead. You are an Awesome mom, and you are stronger than you think. Please keep posting, because you have many friends here.
  13. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Latching on from California and hanging on tight. You rock, lady! I left a controlling, verbally abusive man who even controlled how much gas was in the car so I couldn't get very far away. I used to run out of gas on the way to the grocery store with all of my kids in the car. It took me years to direct my anger where it belonged instead of at myself. Then I let it all go and moved full-steam ahead to be come the kind of mom and woman I finally believed I could be. Talk to people who can support you, make phone calls, post on here, talk some more. It can be done and it's hard. And if this all blew up to get your sweet boy the help he needs,'ll learn how to create the life you and your darling boys deserve.