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Clueless need advice
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<blockquote data-quote="Sam3" data-source="post: 728214" data-attributes="member: 19290"><p>Your description is very moving to me. Feeling that shift in them would be so comforting, and make it easier to move forward from the past. </p><p></p><p>Without the shift, we can only guess at their intentions, try not to enable and to protect our lives from chaos and our hearts from the pain they inflict, the pain from watching and the pain from imagining them alone. It often seems like just a choice of which pain.</p><p></p><p>To make this tolerable for the unforeseeble future, I’m having to force myself to shed the feeling of dread. Its a heavy situation, but it was becoming like quicksand and I was going to go under if I kept waiting for an addict to throw me a rope.</p><p></p><p>Some ideas that have helped</p><p></p><p>— this is what Difficult Child/ACs do. it’s not personal</p><p></p><p>— don’t project my horror on to what might just be another Thursday for him</p><p></p><p>— help that will be helpful, doesn’t enable, doesn’t compromise me and doesn’t come with expectations about the outcome</p><p></p><p>— All those things were true yesterday and last year, but I didn’t know it then. I don’t have to suffer in the same way even if things don’t change. And I can forgive him some of that pain since it was not personal.</p><p></p><p>— I am responsible for reasonable reactions to my decisions. Using again, for an addict, is not a reasonable reaction to anything. </p><p></p><p>— Stay in the moment — without hyper vigilance</p><p></p><p> Your post made me think about this last thing first. He’s not out yet. He hasn’t asked yet. </p><p></p><p>I don’t know the answers when he does, but hopefully it will be what you can do and what you must do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sam3, post: 728214, member: 19290"] Your description is very moving to me. Feeling that shift in them would be so comforting, and make it easier to move forward from the past. Without the shift, we can only guess at their intentions, try not to enable and to protect our lives from chaos and our hearts from the pain they inflict, the pain from watching and the pain from imagining them alone. It often seems like just a choice of which pain. To make this tolerable for the unforeseeble future, I’m having to force myself to shed the feeling of dread. Its a heavy situation, but it was becoming like quicksand and I was going to go under if I kept waiting for an addict to throw me a rope. Some ideas that have helped — this is what Difficult Child/ACs do. it’s not personal — don’t project my horror on to what might just be another Thursday for him — help that will be helpful, doesn’t enable, doesn’t compromise me and doesn’t come with expectations about the outcome — All those things were true yesterday and last year, but I didn’t know it then. I don’t have to suffer in the same way even if things don’t change. And I can forgive him some of that pain since it was not personal. — I am responsible for reasonable reactions to my decisions. Using again, for an addict, is not a reasonable reaction to anything. — Stay in the moment — without hyper vigilance Your post made me think about this last thing first. He’s not out yet. He hasn’t asked yet. I don’t know the answers when he does, but hopefully it will be what you can do and what you must do. [/QUOTE]
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