Cocaine

[JMom]

My child (now 28) has been doing cocaine. We’ve been down this road from time to time. I thought I’d be more upset. I REALLY did learn detachment and that I can’t control things from this group. I called him and told him to make time for me. When he came over, I just looked him in the eye and said “you are going too hard, too fast.” I offered him help if he needed it. I didn’t say that I knew anything just that I felt like he needed to get himself together.

He said “you’re probably right, I just don’t have any self confidence right now”. I asked why, but I already knew. He got in a wreck and knocked his front tooth out. He has always been very handsome, so people’s reactions are uncomfortable for him.
I also offered to pay for his dental work when he’s ready to get himself together. I know he is an addict and will most likely fall of the wagon throughout his life. I just pray one day that sobriety is a constant in his life.

Thanks for listening.

Sorry to all of you on this site who struggle with your children (of all ages). Just remember, indulging in self-care is a necessity. I never thought I could post here when I wasn’t a puddle on the floor. I can still stay above water and be thankful that he still has life to live.

Hugs,

JMOM

 

[Crayola13]

I understand why he’s depressed about losing a front tooth. It’s very noticeable and obvious when he’s around others. He needs more going for him than his appearance. Emphasize his good qualities. Maybe he needs to have a goal other than sobriety to focus on. It was nice of you to offer to pay for the dental work. Maybe it will give him motivation to stop using cocaine.

 

[JMom]

I understand why he’s depressed about losing a front tooth. It’s very noticeable and obvious when he’s around others. He needs more going for him than his appearance. Emphasize his good qualities. Maybe he needs to have a goal other than sobriety to focus on. It was nice of you to offer to pay for the dental work. Maybe it will give him motivation to stop using cocaine.

Thank you for responding. He works full time and is successful there. I encourage him to get a certification that will further his career. He doesn’t have dental insurance, so an implant is pretty expensive. It’s hard to watch him make poor choices.

 

[lovemysons]

JMOM…
I am so glad to hear your son still has life to live too.
I know how he must be feeling about his appearance right now and I’m sure that is adding to insecurities and looking down on himself. Drugs can definitely be a temporary escape from reality.

I’m glad he has your support and knows he can get his tooth problem fixed. But that isn’t a long term solution. It sounds like your son needs to unconditionally stop using drugs. Meaning nothing is worth using over ever again. Not a missing tooth not anything.

Triggers of course are real. Maybe your son needs to list them and ask himself what is the solution if ever faced with them.

Does your son have a sponsor? Is he in AA? I know AA doesn’t work for everyone. But a supportive group might help.

I’m glad you came back to post though I’m sorry for the reasons.
Just remember where there is life there is hope.

Love,
LMS

 

[New Leaf]

Hi JMom,
I’m sorry for your need to visit here, but glad to hear from you. I have always admired the way you have been able to stay connected to your son. It is something that I struggle with my two, but our situations are different. Such is life in loving our wayward adult children.

I thought I’d be more upset. I REALLY did learn detachment and that I can’t control things from this group.

It’s a weird feeling, teetering at the edge of the rabbit hole, remembering how long the jump was into that world of desperation as my two kept making more and more insane choices driven by addiction. I remember reading them “Oh! The Place's You’ll Go!” when they were little, never, ever imagining they would be where they are at now. What a long road we have all been on. The places we have been, emotionally trying to deal with the reality.
Striving to stay even keeled and not meltdown into an emotional mess is a lifelong journey for me. I’m glad you were able to keep your balance.

When he came over, I just looked him in the eye and said “you are going too hard, too fast.” I offered him help if he needed it. I didn’t say that I knew anything just that I felt like he needed to get himself together.

It is heartwarming that you are able to communicate with him and offer him true help. While I have oft times been no contact with my two, sometimes by my own choice to preserve my sanity, sometimes by their disappearing acts, I do think having connection with family is important.

I also offered to pay for his dental work when he’s ready to get himself together.

You are very kind and loving.

I know he is an addict and will most likely fall off the wagon throughout his life. I just pray one day that sobriety is a constant in his life.

This is the cold hard fact about addiction. I pray the same for all of our loved ones, that sobriety becomes a constant.

Sorry to all of you on this site who struggle with your children (of all ages). Just remember, indulging in self-care is a necessity. I never thought I could post here when I wasn’t a puddle on the floor. I can still stay above water and be thankful that he still has life to live.

I am deeply sorry for your struggles JMom. You are so right about self care. We are in training for the long haul, and need to watch over our own health and wellbeing. I am glad you are keeping above water. I have found that working and focusing on gratitude has helped me to face the hard times a little more gracefully (after the ugly cry, that is). Confession-I do at times feel like I am in “fake it till you make it mode” a sort of odd limbo. Prayers help. Finding joy in my well children and grands helps. Take care, fellow warrior sister. It’s great to know your son is able to work full time, while battling his addiction. Hopefully he will see his inner light and true potential and choose the road to recovery. In the meantime, keep up the good work with your self care and let us know how you are doing. It is good to hear from you. Take care dear one!
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[JMom]

Thank you all! Your support is needed and welcomed! Just to clarify, he isn't using it because of his appearance, that was just part of the conversation. I am sure he's using it for all of the same old reasons. I was numb when I posted, so I didn't get into it. His girlfriend confided in me and told me a lot of things that he has been up to. None of them surprised me, but I was disappointed. He had set this boundary with girlfriends that they are not allowed to talk to me about him if it has to do with his poor choices. That probably sounds strange, but it was at my request years ago. People are quick to call and fill me in on his every misdeed.

I know who he is and what he does and I do not want every gory detail. It is upsetting and I am already disappointed. I don't need to add insult to injury. My son knows my expectations, boundaries, and hopes for his life-long sobriety. When I really talk to him about it (which isn't often) I just get it out and hope for the best. It is hard for me to be harsh with him, but when I know he's off the wagon, I can get my point across without harping on it. His girlfriend stated that after I summoned him, he dropped everyone (old friends/bad influences), stayed with her in her apartment, and just worked. They have separate apartments. That was about two weeks ago. I haven't reached back out but she sent me a text letting me know that they were going to see my mom last weekend, which is a good sign. Anytime he stays near family, he stays sober. He was at his father's parents' house over the Easter weekend.

Thank you all for being so sweet. This mama is going through it.

Hugs,
JMOM

 

[JMom]

JMOM…
I am so glad to hear your son still has life to live too.
I know how he must be feeling about his appearance right now and I’m sure that is adding to insecurities and looking down on himself. Drugs can definitely be a temporary escape from reality.

I’m glad he has your support and knows he can get his tooth problem fixed. But that isn’t a long term solution. It sounds like your son needs to unconditionally stop using drugs. Meaning nothing is worth using over ever again. Not a missing tooth not anything.

Triggers of course are real. Maybe your son needs to list them and ask himself what is the solution if ever faced with them.

Does your son have a sponsor? Is he in AA? I know AA doesn’t work for everyone. But a supportive group might help.

I’m glad you came back to post though I’m sorry for the reasons.
Just remember where there is life there is hope.

Love,
LMS

I agree, he needs to figure out why he keeps relapsing. He has since stopped again. I don't think the cocaine was due to his tooth missing. He just looked especially rough because of using and missing a tooth. He doesn't go to AA. I will see him in January and see if he is interested in returning to NA or sitting down to work through the reasons. That was a great suggestion, thank you!