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<blockquote data-quote="rebelson" data-source="post: 695678" data-attributes="member: 19966"><p>I have it and am on Ch. 2.</p><p></p><p>I hope you're taking time for yourself. Doing something for yourself everyday. You do sound angry. My strongest feeling is 'sad'. This is not helpful to me in regards to detaching. I think anger is a better place to be, when one needs to detach.</p><p></p><p>It is crazy that I am even writing that 'anger is a better place to be'. This is our life, isn't it? Wow. It just seems so wrong, when you sit back and think about what our lives are - as loving parents of addicts. I almost envy son's father - who is living in another country, drinking and dating girls younger than our son. I cannot speak for him internally but outwardly, he seems to have no concerns for his son - whom still puts him up on a pedestal. Even after he was almost completely absent from son's life from 18mos. (when I left him for good) to pretty much now. Not counting the few month stints where he'd be a father, or the year son lived with him during HS.</p><p></p><p>Is your husband dealing with this in a healthy way?</p><p></p><p>I think they were saying that we will experience guilt - from the fact that, for their own good, we know we need to detach, stop helping and let them fail. Whether that means them losing a job (for example- if we don't 'give them $ to get their car fixed, they could lose their job- if not willing to walk'), getting kicked out of their place of residence (for example- they spent their paycheck on alcohol or weed, & we don't give them $ to pay share of rent -they may get evicted), having their DL suspended due to not paying their tickets (we don't give them the $ for or pay their tickets- they will not learn as they had it taken care of for them). As loving parents, we want to help them with these things, but it is detrimental to them. So, in stepping back, we will feel 'guilt'. But, it is for their good.</p><p></p><p>Regarding the grief: This is the deep sadness we feel, as loving parents, when we have to finally face <em><strong>our </strong></em>guilt and <em>what is</em> the reality for our difficult children. Which is far from what <em>could be</em>. We know what a good life they could have, but they are somehow trashing any chance of that good life coming to fruition. Facing this is tough, for us.</p><p></p><p>Our grief stems from the final realization that 'no, we cannot change them, control them or make them stop using'.</p><p></p><p>So, the video says if we have these 2, we are halfway there.</p><p></p><p>Au revoir, all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rebelson, post: 695678, member: 19966"] I have it and am on Ch. 2. I hope you're taking time for yourself. Doing something for yourself everyday. You do sound angry. My strongest feeling is 'sad'. This is not helpful to me in regards to detaching. I think anger is a better place to be, when one needs to detach. It is crazy that I am even writing that 'anger is a better place to be'. This is our life, isn't it? Wow. It just seems so wrong, when you sit back and think about what our lives are - as loving parents of addicts. I almost envy son's father - who is living in another country, drinking and dating girls younger than our son. I cannot speak for him internally but outwardly, he seems to have no concerns for his son - whom still puts him up on a pedestal. Even after he was almost completely absent from son's life from 18mos. (when I left him for good) to pretty much now. Not counting the few month stints where he'd be a father, or the year son lived with him during HS. Is your husband dealing with this in a healthy way? I think they were saying that we will experience guilt - from the fact that, for their own good, we know we need to detach, stop helping and let them fail. Whether that means them losing a job (for example- if we don't 'give them $ to get their car fixed, they could lose their job- if not willing to walk'), getting kicked out of their place of residence (for example- they spent their paycheck on alcohol or weed, & we don't give them $ to pay share of rent -they may get evicted), having their DL suspended due to not paying their tickets (we don't give them the $ for or pay their tickets- they will not learn as they had it taken care of for them). As loving parents, we want to help them with these things, but it is detrimental to them. So, in stepping back, we will feel 'guilt'. But, it is for their good. Regarding the grief: This is the deep sadness we feel, as loving parents, when we have to finally face [I][B]our [/B][/I]guilt and [I]what is[/I] the reality for our difficult children. Which is far from what [I]could be[/I]. We know what a good life they could have, but they are somehow trashing any chance of that good life coming to fruition. Facing this is tough, for us. Our grief stems from the final realization that 'no, we cannot change them, control them or make them stop using'. So, the video says if we have these 2, we are halfway there. Au revoir, all. [/QUOTE]
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