college age son (19) has pregnant girlfriend, has started smoking pot with buddies

[verytiredandoverwhelmed]

If you are reading this, please let me start by saying thanks. My heart is heavy, and I could use advice and maybe one or two "It'll be okays".

My son is 19, is a college student, was living at home until four months ago when he and his girlfriend sat me down and told me she is pregnant. Her family was freaking out BIG TIME so we felt we had to be calm and prayerful and try to navigate this the best way possible. They wanted her to have an abortion. She nor he wanted that, thank God. Her family kicked her out.

We had her stay with us for a while til we could help them figure out their way. It's our sons second year of college. Having lived at home the first year, we were preparing for him to move into college housing and room with his friend. The plans changed. I cosigned on an apartment for him so that his girlfriend would have a place to live and they started talking about getting married. She stayed with him in the apartment for three weeks, got homesick and her mother let her come back home.

Our son had been working almost sixty hours a week and attending classes for those three weeks, trying to make it all come together. Her family was constantly being mean to her and to him. We tired to be supportive, had him to meet with our pastor and encouraged them both to not fight with her family - to give them time to cool off. Well when she went back home in the middle of all this, he completely lost his trust in her I believe.

She has since greatly regretted her decision. He has since become very selfish. He won't let her come back - which to a point I understand. he was really hurt that she could walk out on him while he was working so hard to do the right thing. BUT he has to know she is young too and it's a confusing time for them both. To wrap it up, since she has gone hom and he has had the apartment to himself, it has become nothing more than a party pad for all his college buddies and old high school acquaintances who need somewhere to go and smoke pot and hang out.

I know for certain he is smoking pot now also. He avoids us and her too for the most part. He is paying his own bills, still works about thirty hours a week and attends class (though I fear the grades are suffering)all except for the car payment which was part of our arrangement to help them as long as the apartment was used as a home and not a hang out.

I am not trying to control my son, but I can't accept him avoiding us constantly, fighting with her family and now nto having much to do with her. I think, initially, he had all the right intentions and was just really hurt, but it has turned into this - he is now just having a good time with his druggy friends. I doubt it is just pot at this point too. And let's nto forget there is a baby due in a four short months. I don't know which way is up.

Please help if you can.

 

[Nancy]

Welcome very tired and I'm sorry for what's going on in your life with your son. Has he had problems with drinking or drug use before this as far as you know? This is a very sad situation because as you said there is a baby coming in four short months and neither one of them are prepared or equipped to take care of it. Do you have any contact with the girl's parents or is that not possible? I wish our difficult children could see this coming before they decide to have unprotected sex. An unplanned pregnancy is hard enough on couples who are committed to each other and have the support and maturity to handle it.

You have two serious problems going on, one is the pregnancy which you probably don't have much to say about, and the other is your son's drinking and drug use. The first thing I would do is stop paying for an apartment that he is using as adrug house. Depending on your lease you may be responsible financially until they can rent it but no way would I allow him to stay there and be irresponsible. Then I would tell him he has to get a full time job so that he can fulfill his responsibilities to his child. It's sad to say but he now has adult responsibilities nd he will have to step up to them.

If he has not had problems with drugs before, this is a reaction to everything that has happened and hopefully can be nipped in the bud if you pull the rug out from under his party. Is he willing to talk with a counselor who can help him sort out his feelings?

Nancy

 

[Zardo]

I am so sorry for your pain. Before I respond, I will tell you that my on is younger, so I have not walked in your shoes. Having said that, many of us have experienced the pain of watching our difficult child make bad choices and live a lifestyle that we as parents cannot support. Living in peace is all about honoring your OWN boundaries. You said that you made a deal with him based upon him using the house as a home, not a party hang out. In it's simplest form, it sounds like things have changed and it has turned into a party house. That is not what you agreed to support. Although you cannot force him to take his girlfriend back, you do not have to now support his party lifestyle, that's your boundary. Make it clear to him that you are not forcing him to do anything, but your agreement is based on supporting a start in his new HOME for he, his girlfriend and their baby. He is working, so he has some money. If he needs it for the car, he will have less for the drugs. You have to make them FEEL the choice of using drugs in every aspect of their lives.

 

[Tiredof33]

A teen pregnancy is so very stressful without the drugs involvement too. I am sure that she is just scared and went back to the safety of her home. If he is dulling his pain with drugs he isn't thinking clearly either, kind of like ignore it and it will go away. He may have been using drugs before. Not to be mean, but, they don't seem to be mature enough to handle a baby on their own and they are going to need a lot of help.

Having 2 grands that I love dearly I also would want to know that I would be able to see my grandchild if they do not get back together. Since you did not want her to have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption sounds like you want the baby.

Have you and your husband had a chance to talk to her parents?? I am sure they are not happy with your son right now, but you can also let them know that you are there for the mother and baby without given them details about your son.You only have four months to determine what role you will play in your grandchild's life (I assume it is the first?) and how much support you will give the young mother regardless of your sons involvement with the baby. Are you close to the mother? Do you plan on being with her for the birth of the baby?

I would not be very happy at all about paying for the hangout for the druggies. He also will be paying child support and he will have visitations, unless he chooses not to, or unless he continues with the drugs and she gets full custody. But from what you have described he is not going to listen even if you did get a chance to talk to him. You can't control his life, but you don't have to pay for his parties either, and he may come around after the baby is born.

I'm no expert either, but I would be thinking about YOU and what role you intend to have in the baby's life.This pregnancy affects everyone and a family counselor would be a great place to start. My sister (very religous) went through the same thing with a son your sons age and a 17yo teen. Sister was embarrassed (small church) and practically forced them to get married. They are still together 2 years later but they are still struggling and depend on my sister a lot. I don't think that getting married is always the answer, it may add to the stress.

And 'it will be OK' but it doesn't sound like it is going to be easy. My theory is that God should have made us with automatic birth conrol that we had to remove it surgically before we could have children. Wouldn't life be so much simpler!!

I can also let you know that all of the car bumpers that read 'let me tell you about my grandchildren' is true (for most anyway) they are so much fun to spoil.

 

[Kathy813]

Hi and welcome to the CD board! I edited your post to make it a little easier to read. Is the apartment lease in your name? If not, I would stop paying the rent for his party pad.

It would help us get to know you if you added a signature like the one I have at the bottom of this post. To do so, go to the settings button at the top right hand side of the page, then click on edit signature on the left hand side of the page.

~Kathy

 

[Signorina]

Hi and welcome. You have a lot on your plate. I agree with the others - his place was meant to be a home for his growing family -- not a party place. He has stopped honoring his end of the agreement. If it were my son, I think I would want to encourage him to start taking his parenting duties seriously. Perhaps you can suggest they enroll in some local parenting/lamaze/baby prep classes together?

He should also be saving his money instead of partying. Babies are expensive!

I am guessing the reality is starting to hit him - and he is going overboard trying to enjoy himself while he still can. He also needs to cut his girlfriend some slack - I realize he feels that she betrayed him - but he needs to understand that she must feel very frightened. Pregnancy can be hard to cope with under the best of circumstances and she is likely overwhelmed by the physical and emotional changes. He needs to have some empathy.

Take it slowly - see how he is doing in school - emphasize that the apartment was meant to be a home for his baby and he needs to treat it as such.

 

[exhausted]

Hello and welcome. This is a tough situation. A baby changes everything. I agree with all the advice you have been given. If his parents won't talk (I would meet in a neutral place where noone can yell), work on your relationship with her. You may be that babies only stability until its parents grow up. As for the party stuff-I would be very tough about that. Get out of the lease and let your boy know you wont be part of it. I understand his hurt, but she is scared and it is really tough on young girls. They often want their moms and even when their moms are not very supportive. Somehow they kind of think that their relationships will get better when focused on a baby. Keep us posted and take care of yourself, I know you are hurting. All your dreams for your boy are melting away and it is hard to watch. ((Hugs))

 

[pepperidge]

You have gotten good advice. If he hasn't sunk too far down, I would encourage him to stay in school because he will surely need the education. But I wouldn't pay for it if his grades really tank. Could he live at home and attend college--assuming he is willing to get rid of the druggie friends? He sounds like he is partying but maybe has not slipped too far into substance abuse. But what do I know -

I feel for the girl and your son. Is she thinking about adoption or raising the kid herself? Do you think she was drinking and do drugs early on in her pregnancy? Maybe it is good she moved home, at least she might be in a healthier environment.

It sounds like they both need some counseling individual and together to figure things out. Hopefully he will not marry her if that is really not what he wants--but he will still owe child support. What is she planning on doing for school?