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Family of Origin
Coming Out of Cold Turkey
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<blockquote data-quote="Motherearth Fathersun" data-source="post: 694790" data-attributes="member: 20541"><p>I have been through a hellish time in trying to deal with her not respecting my boundaries - how dare I this and that. The shun actually came as a last resort and in truth it wasn't a deliberate conscious shun but an attempt to protect my heart - she walks all over me and yes I accept now that I have let her in an attempt to win her approval. I grew up without feeling loved and only resentment. I am the middle child. As I said I read through the trauma experienced by the poster and it felt just like that, the tears I have cried over this in recent weeks is untrue, I have felt such grief and darkness. </p><p></p><p>The shun came after an exchange of emails after having visited her and I was told that her husband would be vetting all messages from then on and that there would be no talking it through - as I had asked for us to do. Sadly, at this point I knew in a split second that I could not endure this any longer and told her to not contact me. It actually took a lot to say this and I was fearful of reprisal. In the past when I have tried to set boundaries I have received unkind mocking letters and then some months later an olive branch explaining how sorry she is etc. Over the last 15 years I have tried to help her see things from another perspective but she refuses and twists everything around - it is ALWAYS my fault/problem. I am not a blame person and try to find a resolution, however what I want is never respected where my mother is concerned, she is hung up on 'because I am your mother you should respect me'.</p><p></p><p>As in all such cases there are so many threads and angles and I have not come on this forum to lambast parents per se. I was just so in tune with what the poster had described.</p><p></p><p>My mother has a husband (no. 3) who cares for her but jumps to her every whim. He in fact left her a couple of years ago because he felt so put down by her. She needed to realise what she was loosing to value it and they are much better, though she gloats that she hasn't changed at all. She treats people as resources. </p><p></p><p>I am sad that we are where we are but I value my own marriage and happiness more than keeping her happy. I have tried and have to heal my own heart now. I didn't realise there were quite so many adult children who found them selves in the same boat, equally how many parents had children that abused their parents - it has truly been an eye opener. As I said I found this site because I was trying to get another perspective - it is what I do, to see things from others point of view. However I have been doing this with my mother all of my adult life in order to have a harmonious relationship and I now realise that it can never be, it will always be one sided.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Motherearth Fathersun, post: 694790, member: 20541"] I have been through a hellish time in trying to deal with her not respecting my boundaries - how dare I this and that. The shun actually came as a last resort and in truth it wasn't a deliberate conscious shun but an attempt to protect my heart - she walks all over me and yes I accept now that I have let her in an attempt to win her approval. I grew up without feeling loved and only resentment. I am the middle child. As I said I read through the trauma experienced by the poster and it felt just like that, the tears I have cried over this in recent weeks is untrue, I have felt such grief and darkness. The shun came after an exchange of emails after having visited her and I was told that her husband would be vetting all messages from then on and that there would be no talking it through - as I had asked for us to do. Sadly, at this point I knew in a split second that I could not endure this any longer and told her to not contact me. It actually took a lot to say this and I was fearful of reprisal. In the past when I have tried to set boundaries I have received unkind mocking letters and then some months later an olive branch explaining how sorry she is etc. Over the last 15 years I have tried to help her see things from another perspective but she refuses and twists everything around - it is ALWAYS my fault/problem. I am not a blame person and try to find a resolution, however what I want is never respected where my mother is concerned, she is hung up on 'because I am your mother you should respect me'. As in all such cases there are so many threads and angles and I have not come on this forum to lambast parents per se. I was just so in tune with what the poster had described. My mother has a husband (no. 3) who cares for her but jumps to her every whim. He in fact left her a couple of years ago because he felt so put down by her. She needed to realise what she was loosing to value it and they are much better, though she gloats that she hasn't changed at all. She treats people as resources. I am sad that we are where we are but I value my own marriage and happiness more than keeping her happy. I have tried and have to heal my own heart now. I didn't realise there were quite so many adult children who found them selves in the same boat, equally how many parents had children that abused their parents - it has truly been an eye opener. As I said I found this site because I was trying to get another perspective - it is what I do, to see things from others point of view. However I have been doing this with my mother all of my adult life in order to have a harmonious relationship and I now realise that it can never be, it will always be one sided. [/QUOTE]
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