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Family of Origin
Coming Out of Cold Turkey
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 694889" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think I did shun my father--but I was only about 26. I had never even heard the word. I felt degraded by him and by his lifestyle. I decided I just did not want to be dirtied anymore. I felt guilt but not to the point it overran my decision. But when I was 26 he was maybe 53.</p><p></p><p>I have to say that 12 years later when I found out he had died I was devastated.</p><p></p><p>We do not ever think that our parents will die--except as a theoretical possibility--and even if we face it, we do not know how we will really feel and what the consequences for us will be. By the time we are middle age, we have the capacity to protect ourselves, to take responsibility for our own psyches--so that we can guard against being deeply hurt by them, by setting boundaries and by our own therapies. There are ways of taking responsibility that protect both people, and avoid deep hurt to them both. I think that is what SWOT is saying, and I agree.</p><p></p><p>My mother could never ever hear one iota of criticism. Her whole life with me and mine with hers. She could not bear it. At the end she told somebody else that she wanted to tell her daughters she was sorry, but she never could. This makes me very very sad for both of us because I wanted to tell her too that I was sorry but I did not. At the end I could not accept it was my fault--I felt that saying I was sorry and asking her to forgive me, would be admitting I was to blame. I did not realize that asking for forgiveness and giving it are not admissions of blame or fault. They are taking responsibility and giving and asking for mercy.</p><p></p><p>I can understand an elderly person wanting to shield themselves from hearing searing and difficult things about themselves as parents. And I see that as every bit as valid as insisting that they hear.</p><p></p><p>Have you learned about the feedback system? The faint images to the lower right of each post. They are a kind way to give positive feedback when a post has been helpful or you feel positively in some way or another. We try to avoid directly negative personal feedback. I have erred a couple of times, and I am greatly sorry for when I did.</p><p></p><p>Whether you agree with us or not, we wish you strength and wisdom in working this through. You and your mother have our compassion and best wishes.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 694889, member: 18958"] I think I did shun my father--but I was only about 26. I had never even heard the word. I felt degraded by him and by his lifestyle. I decided I just did not want to be dirtied anymore. I felt guilt but not to the point it overran my decision. But when I was 26 he was maybe 53. I have to say that 12 years later when I found out he had died I was devastated. We do not ever think that our parents will die--except as a theoretical possibility--and even if we face it, we do not know how we will really feel and what the consequences for us will be. By the time we are middle age, we have the capacity to protect ourselves, to take responsibility for our own psyches--so that we can guard against being deeply hurt by them, by setting boundaries and by our own therapies. There are ways of taking responsibility that protect both people, and avoid deep hurt to them both. I think that is what SWOT is saying, and I agree. My mother could never ever hear one iota of criticism. Her whole life with me and mine with hers. She could not bear it. At the end she told somebody else that she wanted to tell her daughters she was sorry, but she never could. This makes me very very sad for both of us because I wanted to tell her too that I was sorry but I did not. At the end I could not accept it was my fault--I felt that saying I was sorry and asking her to forgive me, would be admitting I was to blame. I did not realize that asking for forgiveness and giving it are not admissions of blame or fault. They are taking responsibility and giving and asking for mercy. I can understand an elderly person wanting to shield themselves from hearing searing and difficult things about themselves as parents. And I see that as every bit as valid as insisting that they hear. Have you learned about the feedback system? The faint images to the lower right of each post. They are a kind way to give positive feedback when a post has been helpful or you feel positively in some way or another. We try to avoid directly negative personal feedback. I have erred a couple of times, and I am greatly sorry for when I did. Whether you agree with us or not, we wish you strength and wisdom in working this through. You and your mother have our compassion and best wishes. [/QUOTE]
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