Hello. I see that I am not alone. Good to know. I am a 62 year old mother of a 39 year old daughter who is now homeless. Over about 20 years I have watched my daughter's life spiral out of control and I have been there through it all picking up the pieces, paying for whatever, worrying, feeling guilty, powerless, angry, confused, out of control, in other words it's eaten up years of my life. My daughter is likely bi-polar, perhaps with PTSD as well since her husband committed suicide 12 years ago and she really lost control of her life at that point. Her 2 step daughters were taken from her by the paternal grandmother and I went to court 4 years ago and got permanent guardianship for my now 15 year old granddaughter whom I am raising. My daughter has a file with Social Services for child abuse. The heartache that my daughter has caused me, her children, her friends, her family and anyone who comes in contact with her is unfathomable. She is incapable of empathy and compassion for others; nor can she make any good decisions, think of the future, make plans, be grateful, laugh, feel joy, know love, be connected, have remorse, be responsible for her actions, make a commitment, keep agreements, keep her word, listen, be productive or recognize how her behavior impacts others. When I say I have tried everything to help her, it is an understatement of grand magnitude. On Christmas day she showed up out of gas in the car she now lives in with a dog and a cat, with a broken windshield, no money and her usual attitude of arrogance, righteousness, superiority, negativity, anger and callousness. She eats up all the air and joy in the room. She stayed overnight and her daughter, my fiancee and I did our best to not allow her to ruin yet another day. The day after Christmas the police broke into her car where the animals were staying and broke the door of her car and took the animals to the local police station. My fiancee and I had gone for a drive to vent to each other about my daughter; my granddaughter went to a friends to get away from her mother and when we arrived home we were greeted with the nasty attitude and the words "one of you has to take me to the police station to get my animals." There was something about her face and those words that pushed me over the edge. I told her to get out. I finally reached critical mass and I was done. The next day I wrote her an email giving her the websites of local shelters, the phone numbers of Doctors who can evaluate her and perhaps help to give her some psychological assistance, and other resources. When I threw her out I said if you want to help yourself get out of this mess you're in, I will help you but if you want to stay in this, you are on your own. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, she is my only child, and yet I feel it is the only thing left to do. I am so fortunate to be in a codependency program put together by a local hospital which is helping me not only to cope, but to find support and recognize that I cannot do anything for my daughter, it is up to her. I am powerless to make any changes. I have learned that I did not cause this, I am not responsible for it and I cannot change it. It's been a long road for me to begin to have a life without all the chaos and drama that my daughter lives for and in. I spoke with her father this morning, who got a phone call from our daughter last night saying, "if anything happens to me, I am near this address." He was flipped out. This is new for him since he has not been involved in her life. We spoke for a long time about our daughter and what has happened to her. He agreed that there is nothing we can do, she is an adult and is refusing any help. He suggested she go into a shelter and she said she couldn't because of the animals. That is her choice. That is also the most difficult thing to deal with, that her choices are so remarkably absurd and yet there is nothing I can do about it. I have been practicing detaching from her and her madness for many, many years. In order for me to find any peace, I have to set boundaries or I will go insane. The sadness, the stunning loss of hope, the grief and sorrow I have felt about this has cost me in immeasurable ways. At this point, I am relieved, in addition to all the other feelings, that I have cut the cord that had bound me to my daughter. I have no idea what her path is, I have no idea what is going to happen to her, I pray everyday that she finds her way. I don't know what is next but what I do know is that I cannot do it anymore, it is now in the hands of God. I appreciate finding this site and the opportunity to write this all down. Rereading it is strange and yet it feels right to be where I am right now. God Bless.
