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Coming to a decision- temporary estrangement with family
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 675331" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi NC, welcome to the forum, so sorry for your need to be here. It is a tough time of year for many of us, it seems. Hugs for you and your hurting Momma and Grandma heart.</p><p>NC, there is no such thing as a perfect Mom! We all had to make sacrifices, in order to raise our children. Some of them get it, others do not. Two of mine are off on their own, they will try to tell me their choices are my fault, but my other three assure me, I am a good Mom. We try our best, each with different circumstances.</p><p> Your priority is your young daughter, she is a minor, the others are adults. Your girl, also takes precedence over your grandchild. It took me along time to get this, we tried to help the grands, to the detriment of our young son. I know how it feels to have taken care of a grandchild, then have them placed back with parents. My daughter uses them as pawns with us. It is hard. So, for me, enough "playing the game." Though I really miss my grands, and do worry for them, I have absolutely no control over what their parents decide. Lots of prayers help. Keeping a journal of thoughts and notes helps. If and when I see my grands again, I can share this with them.</p><p> Then do not grovel. <em>Don't feed the beast!</em> There is no reason in the world why a parent of an adult child needs to do this.</p><p>I agree with SWOT, lay back. Time heals all wounds.......Perhaps the time will come, when your daughters will come to you. As SWOT says, the more <em>you </em>push, the more <em>they</em> step back. If you step back, <em>they may be more inclined to step forward?</em></p><p> I do not think our 20 somethings really think about that future, it is too far off for them....I did not think about life in my 50's at 20, although now that I am 56, I wish I did. I know how it feels to have grands withheld, it hurts. The reality is, the parents will do as they choose. So, the only thing we can do as distant grandparents is send birthday cards and little notes, take very good care of ourselves, so if and when things cool down in the future, we are healthy and in a good frame of mind to be there for them.</p><p> I think this is an awesome idea. Focusing on your smaller family unit, and having fun. Are you ready to do this <em>wholeheartedly</em>? I ask this, because it will not make sense, if you end up with regrets about it, <em>during and after</em>.</p><p> Ohhhh, I have been there, done, that. NC, my son virtually grew up watching this, not good. I am fortunate that he is a level headed kid, and very respectful. He pointed out to me, 'why do we continue to try to help my sisters, when they have no respect?"</p><p> Stepping back, and looking at your relationship with your adult children, is important. Especially, for your young child, because she is watching and learning from your responses. I know she loves her niece, and you can help her with that, too.</p><p>Learning to break free of relationship patterns is hard. I am not saying break free of the relationship, but, there are patterns that develop along the way. Taking a long hard look at <em>our reactions</em>, <em>their actions,</em> is helpful. The only thing we have control of, is ourselves. This way, we look inward, and see if there are changes we need to make. If you are dissatisfied with the dynamics of the relationship with your older daughters, the only control you have, is, what<em> you</em> do about it.</p><p>It is a very emotional time, when drama is high. It is always a good idea, to<em> slow way down </em>and take some time to really think on things. Posting helps too, I see that you have posted in FOO- that is awesome. It helps me to post too, I am reviewing things in my life and mind as I post. </p><p>Thank you for being here and sharing, NC.</p><p></p><p> This is entirely up to you, girl. If you are asking the question, you may have some doubts. Think it through. On the one hand, it would be good to get away, on the other hand, if it is going to cause you grief and regret.........</p><p></p><p>Things will be okay NC. You are not alone with this. Young adults are so different, family relationships are different. </p><p>That Norman Rockwell painting of the perfect holiday dinner has <em>changed</em> in these times.</p><p>It is what we make of it, that counts. Focus on that precious girl of yours, she is your main priority. You have done your raising of your adult children, the best you can. That is what I tell mine,</p><p>"I did the best I could, I made mistakes, I apologize for the mistakes I made, but there is no re-do button. The life you choose now, is your own. Concentrate on doing your best job, with your children. God bless you!"</p><p></p><p>You are not alone, dear. </p><p>Stay with us and keep sharing, it really, really helps.</p><p>So sorry for your aching heart.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 675331, member: 19522"] Hi NC, welcome to the forum, so sorry for your need to be here. It is a tough time of year for many of us, it seems. Hugs for you and your hurting Momma and Grandma heart. NC, there is no such thing as a perfect Mom! We all had to make sacrifices, in order to raise our children. Some of them get it, others do not. Two of mine are off on their own, they will try to tell me their choices are my fault, but my other three assure me, I am a good Mom. We try our best, each with different circumstances. Your priority is your young daughter, she is a minor, the others are adults. Your girl, also takes precedence over your grandchild. It took me along time to get this, we tried to help the grands, to the detriment of our young son. I know how it feels to have taken care of a grandchild, then have them placed back with parents. My daughter uses them as pawns with us. It is hard. So, for me, enough "playing the game." Though I really miss my grands, and do worry for them, I have absolutely no control over what their parents decide. Lots of prayers help. Keeping a journal of thoughts and notes helps. If and when I see my grands again, I can share this with them. Then do not grovel. [I]Don't feed the beast![/I] There is no reason in the world why a parent of an adult child needs to do this. I agree with SWOT, lay back. Time heals all wounds.......Perhaps the time will come, when your daughters will come to you. As SWOT says, the more [I]you [/I]push, the more [I]they[/I] step back. If you step back, [I]they may be more inclined to step forward?[/I] I do not think our 20 somethings really think about that future, it is too far off for them....I did not think about life in my 50's at 20, although now that I am 56, I wish I did. I know how it feels to have grands withheld, it hurts. The reality is, the parents will do as they choose. So, the only thing we can do as distant grandparents is send birthday cards and little notes, take very good care of ourselves, so if and when things cool down in the future, we are healthy and in a good frame of mind to be there for them. I think this is an awesome idea. Focusing on your smaller family unit, and having fun. Are you ready to do this [I]wholeheartedly[/I]? I ask this, because it will not make sense, if you end up with regrets about it, [I]during and after[/I]. Ohhhh, I have been there, done, that. NC, my son virtually grew up watching this, not good. I am fortunate that he is a level headed kid, and very respectful. He pointed out to me, 'why do we continue to try to help my sisters, when they have no respect?" Stepping back, and looking at your relationship with your adult children, is important. Especially, for your young child, because she is watching and learning from your responses. I know she loves her niece, and you can help her with that, too. Learning to break free of relationship patterns is hard. I am not saying break free of the relationship, but, there are patterns that develop along the way. Taking a long hard look at [I]our reactions[/I], [I]their actions,[/I] is helpful. The only thing we have control of, is ourselves. This way, we look inward, and see if there are changes we need to make. If you are dissatisfied with the dynamics of the relationship with your older daughters, the only control you have, is, what[I] you[/I] do about it. It is a very emotional time, when drama is high. It is always a good idea, to[I] slow way down [/I]and take some time to really think on things. Posting helps too, I see that you have posted in FOO- that is awesome. It helps me to post too, I am reviewing things in my life and mind as I post. Thank you for being here and sharing, NC. This is entirely up to you, girl. If you are asking the question, you may have some doubts. Think it through. On the one hand, it would be good to get away, on the other hand, if it is going to cause you grief and regret......... Things will be okay NC. You are not alone with this. Young adults are so different, family relationships are different. That Norman Rockwell painting of the perfect holiday dinner has [I]changed[/I] in these times. It is what we make of it, that counts. Focus on that precious girl of yours, she is your main priority. You have done your raising of your adult children, the best you can. That is what I tell mine, "I did the best I could, I made mistakes, I apologize for the mistakes I made, but there is no re-do button. The life you choose now, is your own. Concentrate on doing your best job, with your children. God bless you!" You are not alone, dear. Stay with us and keep sharing, it really, really helps. So sorry for your aching heart. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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