Coming up on a year...

[Jungleland]

On June 7th, it will be a year since my suicide attempt. So many thoughts are flying through my head. I really didn't think this "anniversary" would bother me. Boy was I wrong!

I am starting to have the same feelings and thoughts I had a year ago. School is almost over for the summer and my anxiety is climbing.

On August 4th, I will have 1 year clean from abusing prescription drugs. I was abusing soma, xanax and hydrocodone. I am very involved in NA, go to meetings, involved in service which helps so much.

But since Aug. 4, I have not had anything for my depression or anxiety except Paxil. I really feel that I need a medication evaluation. My insurance does not cover psychiatry so my family doctor prescribes my medications. Not sure he is comfortable with changing things, I am very honest with him. Finally, honesty!!!! Feels good.

Anyways, I am talking with my sponsor, sharing at meetings, working my steps, but June 7th loomes over me and frightens me. I will not be alone on the days prior, the day of or after. Will be attending a huge NA function on the 6th, so I know that no one will allow me to do anything stupid. I just hate the stinkin' thinkin'.

I relate to Star's response to Steely's post. I have moved so many times with the unconscience thoughts of "this place will be better, problems will be left behind". I feel the deep desire to jump ship once again, things would be sooo much better in...Timbucktoo... But my conscience mind knows, doesn't matter where I am, once the excitement and relief of being somewhere new wears off, back to the stinkin' thinkin'!

I don't think I have shared all of the above with all of you before. Going on a year free of narcs, makes me feel proud and wanting to share with you, my family.

Sorry my post sorta jumps all over the place, my mind is a bit like that right now.

I love you all for being here for me and my family.

Hugs, Vickie

 

[lovemysons]

You Definitely have friends here Vickie, who understand...I was addicted to Klonopin, had a pretty bad physical withdrawal from it too. Also started drinking again after being sober for over 13 yrs...I went to AA meetings for quite awhile afterward and al anon for my sons.

I'm so proud of you for taking care of yourself and I think you're doing that right now too...by reaching out and speaking of how hard this date is for you.

I didn't have a blunt suicide attempt but I was content to sleep away (via klonopin) the next 5 yrs of my life hoping by then I would wake up and have two easy child boys instead of difficult child's. Of course that wasn't the answer.

I know too you are going through a rough time with your Aly. Doesn't help when we ourselves are suffering so much at the same time one of difficult child's seem to be falling apart.

Back to the subject. You are doing such a good job, Vickie.
We're here for you over this next week and beyond.
Just reaching out to let you know I "get it".

with love and care,
Tammy

 

[totoro]

I am thinking of you during this tough time.
As a fellow survivor and one who has struggled with drugs there are days when I look back and think it would be easy to fall back into it all.

I wear a bracelet with a silver life preserver on it, it is the symbol for surviving a suicide attempt or someone else's suicide.
It helps me feel grounded when I can rub it. Sometimes it is the little things.
I am glad you have the meetings.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry you were in such pain before. The anniversary of the suicide attempt is a great accomplishment, as the 1 year clean and sober will also be.

maybe you can do a small celebration of your life on the anniversary of the suicide attempt. Make it a time to truly CELEBRATE your life. Just a thought.

I am so glad the attempt failed (I will celebrate that with you!!!).

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Many hugs.

beth

 

[Fran]

I had no idea. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope those intrusive thoughts go away.
Hugs.

 

[Wiped Out]

((((Hugs))))

 

[everywoman]

Just a hug. I have watched husband's struggle with addiction to pain medication and benzo's. The struggle is so difficult. I'm proud of you for making it through with such grace. While I know it's not a happy memory---I would like to celebrate 1 year of freedom and 1 year of life. You survived the darkest moments---you will get through the next few months. Hugs.

 

[DDD]

I recall your pain last year but frankly have not followed up on my concerns. It has taken so much strength on your part to move on to healthy living. I admire that greatly and give you my word that I will remember you in my thoughts and prayers until this his stress period has passed. DDD

 

[Lothlorien]

I'm glad you recognize that you are having these feelings. That's a great start!

Check with your insurance. If you are diagnosis'd with a "biologically-based disorder," like bipolar, your insurance might cover it. Mys ins wouldn't cover Missy's visits, until the p-doctor put that in as a diagnosis.

If that is not the case, then perhaps you can just go to a psychiatrist once or twice a year for medication evaluations. Or maybe you can find a free psychiatry clinic.

At any rate, I'm glad you are posting more regularly. You had us worried about you when you dissappeared for a while.

 

[Nomad]

I too had no idea.
I'm so glad that you are going to NA and have a sponsor.
Are you also going to therapy?
If not, perhaps you might go for a short while during this milestone period.
(Hugs)

 

[Hound dog]

Vickie I am so proud of your sobriety.

You are in a better place than you were a year ago. I'm glad you will have support thru this anniversary time. It will be a comfort to you. But I think you'll be ok. You've come quite a way in a year.

Will keep you in my prayers during this difficult period.

Hugs

 

[DammitJanet]

Vickie...I knew about the suicide but not the addiction. Congratulations on the anniversaries. Im glad you made it through these first year marks. It is tough.

Im staring down an anniversary of my own on the 12th of June. 29 years since the kidnapping/rape. Im hopeful that I dont even think about it...lol.

 

[Suz]

Vickie, I'm so sorry for your pain and I'm so proud of you for what you've overcome!

Several of our members take Abilify and it's advertised as also being effective as an "add-on" medication when current medications aren't quite enough. I am certainly not endorsing it but I've read about it and it doesn't seem to be in the same category of addictive medications....something you would certainly want to find out for sure.

medications can sometimes work against their prescriptive use, too. Is there a possibility that the Paxil you're taking has out-lived its benefits and is being counter-productive now?

Big hugs to you,
Suz

 

[Star*]

WOW I can't believe i missed this Jungle - I'm sorry (sends a hug)

You know I am not sure that many people would be as forthcoming and honest about their history as you have been. You've come from a place that sounded very stress-ridden and alone feeling. I'm saddened that you couldn't reach out to us here for more support BUT I'm astounded by your ability to pull yourself together - I mean BRAVO......BRAVO again.

I lived with someone who had very little value on life for years. It's hard to understand, comprehend the feelings that lead someone to the point where you got - but I'd like to REMIND you of something I think is huge.

This is not the years anniversary of your suicide attempt - But August 5th is the day that you realized you LOVED life. You chose to get yourself straight, chose to do better for yourself, chose to overcome and supercede insurmountable obstacles - and now nearly a year later you're hear telling me all about it.

So.....from now on - I'm calling August 5th, for you - ACHIEVERS day...or ACCOMPLISHMENT WEDNESDAy (you'll have to change the day each year if you pick that one) or Your new birthday - because in a sense - it was, you're here.....and you're loved. Now that you know that - and are doing stuff about it - I guess each August 5th I will throw a handfull of confetti up in the air and wish you a Happy New life day.....

Maybe if you start thinking about 8/5 as a future day of celebration and forget 8/4/08 - you can get further ???

Hugs
Star