Competition

newstart

Well-Known Member
It happened again.. I ran into another friend yesterday, I had not seen her for a long time. She went on and on about how horrible her daughter was acting. She drinks, smokes runs around all night with much older men, she is 21, she just had a baby with a 53 year old.
My friend looks old and totally wore out. I was told by my friend that I do not have a clue to what she is talking about because my daughter was always so good. Where did she get this information from? How does she know this? She tells me she is glad I never had to deal with this kind of mess. I hugged her and said I would pray for her. What she did not realize is that my daughter could win the contest of nasty behavior and make her daugher look pale in comparison. I do not want to compete with this type of ugly stuff but how can anyone tell me I don't know what an out of control daughter feels like. In the midst of my daughter's horrific behavior I went to the gym, I worked hard at trying to heal, I prayed all the time and I tried to have a smile on my face. It was not easy and still it is not easy. This is not the first time this has happened. Sometimes these women that tell me horrific things about their children, and when I tell them I understand they look at me like I am making something up, that no way could I know the depth and grief there is when raising a disordered child. I have had some of these women tell me all about it and then hide when they see me because they just spilled their guts to a woman that does not have a clue. I think these women are embarrassed because they think they shocked me. Even when I tell them I get it, I have been there, they still think I do not understand the depth of their grief and agony. I wish I did not 'get it' but unfortunately I get it all to well.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Newstart:

I think that some of us draw people to us and make them want to open up and spill. I am like that. In fact, my husband calls me "Dear Abby" (some younger on here may not know who Dear Abby is). Sometimes others' "things" really brought me down. I am much better at that now. I can only handle my own stuff. Maybe your friend is so distraught that she can't even remember your story. I was in a whirlwind like that for so long not knowing if up was down or down was up.

I actually take that as a compliment. I love that I can be that for someone. I think that means that I am a good listener and compassionate. Those are two qualities that I have worked hard to acquire and that I am very proud of.

I am sure you are also a good listener and compassionate.

If my pain and experience can help someone else, then that makes me very happy. Then maybe it's not all for nothing.
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Thank you RN.. People do spill on me, and I pride myself with being a good listener with empathy and compassion. Sometimes people just need to vent. There are not a lot of people that I know of that I can vent to anymore. I lost my mom and 2 bestfriends in 2018, my sounding boards. I am grateful for you RN and this support site. Some great advice.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Did you tell her any specifics? She might think you are placating her.
I have a bad retina problem in my left eye. I absolutely can not read in my left eye. So, I rely on my right eye. The other day i told someone in passing I had a problem with my left eye and she told me of an issue with her readers from the drug store.
The bottom line is she felt she was being empathetic. But, she didn’t have all the information. And I suppose I may have not either. It felt strange. Like two shippings passing. No connection. She was attempting to make one with me, but it didn’t work out. so, maybe this lady spilled the beans with you and hasn’t heard of anything significant happening with your child and so when you said you do have problems and you do understand, she thought you were just trying to be nice (empathetic) and truly couldn’t possibly understand.
On the other hand, IF she had listened carefully to you...perhaps she would of picked up that a parent is not likely to lie about such difficulties as they tend to be very painful. Or she can’t understand that you made a decision to move forward even with such great difficulties.
By the way...this is also reminiscent in a certain way of me and my health issues. People can’t believe I have quite a few. It’s a long story.
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Did you tell her any specifics? She might think you are placating her.
I have a bad retina problem in my left eye. I absolutely can not read in my left eye. So, I rely on my right eye. The other day i told someone in passing I had a problem with my left eye and she told me of an issue with her readers from the drug store.
The bottom line is she felt she was being empathetic. But, she didn’t have all the information. And I suppose I may have not either. It felt strange. Like two shippings passing. No connection. She was attempting to make one with me, but it didn’t work out. so, maybe this lady spilled the beans with you and hasn’t heard of anything significant happening with your child and so when you said you do have problems and you do understand, she thought you were just trying to be nice (empathetic) and truly couldn’t possibly understand.
On the other hand, IF she had listened carefully to you...perhaps she would of picked up that a parent is not likely to lie about such difficulties as they tend to be very painful. Or she can’t understand that you made a decision to move forward even with such great difficulties.
By the way...this is also reminiscent in a certain way of me and my health issues. People can’t believe I have quite a few. It’s a long story.

Hi Nomad, I could not get a word in edge wise with my friend because she told me no one is as rotten as her daughter and then went on and on. This friend knew my daughter when my daughter was a youth leader at our Church, before onset bipolar took her. Back in the day my daughter was an outstanding person, sharp, kind, helpful and took her faith seriously. Anyone, including myself had no idea how awful onset bipolar was going to be. Sorry to hear about your eye Nomad.
 
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