Complete and utter humiliation at the mall today :(

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mattsmom277, Dec 21, 2010.

  1. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I'm trying hard to get my Christmas oomph back. I posted last week about easy child and I falling on the ice at the mall. Well that place is cursed for me this season I think. It took 3 days to lose the headache (first 2 days were full migraines) from the concussion from my head bouncing off the ice. My shoulder stopped throbbing 2 days ago. Most other muscles are feeling better. My leg is still swollen and bruised, a bulge size of a saucer hurts like the dickens. I lost a week of prepping for Christmas. I sucked it up because I couldn't do anything. I gave up a bunch of baking that is traditional, kids were good about it. I did zero shopping to finish for gifts and food, it was all left until today. S/O did the big cleaning all week in prep for guests most of the holidays. I still do have to get around to the nit picky details that I just can't let go of. I have let go of a lot and I'm feeling fine about that, not going to stress it.

    So today was the only day, like it or not, available for me to do my stuff. Had many mall stores to go to, had to research and find a good cell phone and plan for difficult child while there. It of course was nuts in there. Well S/O helped a ton, but a few times we seperated so he could finally shop for me. He had gone to pharmacy in walmart at the mall when I was looking in the store for pj's for a gift. He didn't mention secret shopping too. So I was lurking in pj section with a loaded cart of gifts from the stores in the main part of the mall. He took ages and I had a sudden urge to go pee. It was awful. With MS my bladder is awful and I struggle with. Urologist has done most all they can to help. I'm pretty good at staying on top of going frequently to avoid problems. Well since the fall, my bladder is haywire. I mentioned when I posted about falling that I had wet myself upon falling to the snow/ice. That was humiliating enough! Well there I was in Walmart and could not walk a single step forward to go towards bathrooms which were not nearby. Gave up on S/O showing up as one minute I was fun, the next minute the situation was desperate. It took me over 10 minutes to slowly make my way, short step by step, to the bathroom. I was fighting tears and so wretched feeling. I lurked each step stopping pretending to be checking out items I had no interest in. I simply couldn't walk with a normal stride because the most I could walk without crossing my legs was one or two steps and I'd have to stop and cross and , well, it was a true nightmare. I finally made it to the washrooms, where of course no carts may go. Abandoned over $300 of purchases already paid for, and made it in to the bathroom. Fortunately for me my cart was there with nothing missing when I came back out. Unfortunately for me, I had a serious problem in that I had lost control a bit many times attempting to get to the restrooms. I stuck to areas with no shopping traffic and lurked in shame waiting for S/O to surface. We had to leave the mall right away obviously without finishing shopping. Waiting 20 minutes out in the cold, wet, for a taxi. Came home and cried for a half hour in the shower. We then had to head out once again to a nearby plaza of stores to finish present shopping that I missed out on at walmart, and then the grocery store. My heart was no longer in the shopping thing which S/O and I normally enjoy.

    Honestly, I'm just fed up. It's been a long week and I've been valiantly determined to let go of my own expectations and desires for that "perfect maintenance of tradition". I relaxed all week so I'd feel better for actual Christmas. Just looked forward to a family dinner Im hosting, to a quiet day with the kids and S/O on the day we celebrate Christmas day (the 24th), and my baby sister arriving on the 27th. Then I wet myself in the bleeping store? Seriously? I'm 36 years old. I walk like a 70 year old with bad joints. I have a poofy steroid face going on. I can't lift even a 5 lb bag of potatoes at the grocery store or even carry a light shopping bag any distance. And now I'm losing control of my bladder in public. Today's incident seriously clobbered what was left of my Christmasy mood. I want to just laugh it up. heck I always laugh stuff off. It's just been a long week. And I'm a bit angry and resentful that my body is falling apart at the seams. Ugh!

    Okay vent over and anybody bored enough to have read it, you are worth your weight in gold and have the patience of a saint to waste your time reading such a pointless vent.

    I'm just trying to convince myself that tomorrow shall be a better day. I really NEED to get my focus back on the important things and I know it. Just need to DO it now. Focus on the kids, S/O, my much anticipated first ever visit with baby sister, my few special family members who will share a family games day and turkey dinner with us, the stuff that makes getting up everyday important to me. It might work if I could stop wondering why on earth my S/O at his age would want to stick around in this relationship when he's far too young to be carting his spouse out of a mall because she can't believe she'd have a need for DEPENDS in her mid 30's! *sigh* I'll feel better in the morning ... right?!?!?!
  2. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I'm so sorry, hon. And I feel your pain. I have had trouble with bladder incontinence for years. It's humiliating. Pyridium helped some, but then just made it more obvious (with the bright orange color) when I did have an accident. I've noticed that the mestinon I take for my MG has helped with that, too, but these days my symptoms are worse than the dosage of mestinon I'm on is handling.

    I understand the weakness and walking like you're 70. My bff - who has lupus - and I lament that we sound like a bunch of 90 year old ladies when we are talking about our bodies.

    Sometimes it's ok to not laugh it off. It sucks. Really. It's ok to let it bother you, as long as you know that in a few days you can pick up and keep going. I think it's really important that we acknowledge our feelings on what is happening to our bodies at such young ages as long as we don't wallow in it. And I know you don't. So, don't beat yourself up for letting it get to you.

  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    The other night, after my stitches came out and the horrible re-splint, my toes were swollen and hurting.
    I severed my foot. They had just forced it, after 3 weeks at a 45 degree angle, into a full 90 degree flexion. The whole thing was swollen hideously, but I couldn't stop whining about my toes. They hurt so bad!

    I finally went to the er, and thro my tears told the doctor "its just my toes, for God's sake. I mean...really...swelling in my toes?!?! What kind of wimp am I? I should be able to buck up and deal with this!!!"

    And he said to me "sometimes we just run out of buck".

    That statement right there made me feel so much better.

    So. MM, I thhink maybe you, too, are just "out of buck". Vent away, you have every right.

    And here's hoping a bit more r&r returns your buck quickly.
  4. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I'm really sorry that happened to you. Perhaps when you go out in public, wearing an overnight pad or something might help to give you a little more confidence about going out.
  5. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Thank you all for understanding and for some perspective. I like that saying out of buck. I guess I"m out. I'll just have to work harder to get it back. I have decided traditions be darned, things are different this year from lack of ability to do certain things so perhaps its a year to go with the flow and really shake it up. We also do a double movie watching day in pj's for Christmas day. Just difficult child, s/o and myself since easy child goes to her dads for Christmas day. Well difficult child said he won't let me sit for that long in a movie theater because he knows how I'll hurt afterwards and need miss half the movies anyhow because of running to the bathroom. He was so sweet about it actually. So that tradition is to the wayside. We are just staying home and plan to play games etc. My cousin and her partner have decided to come spend part of the day with us too which is a nice addition since we are breaking routine anyhow. I've decided our family gift we will open today because we're busy with family tomorrow and then the following day we have other gifts that I know will mean we don't have time for the family gift. (It's a Kinect system) So once S/O gets in from picking up last minute grocery items I forgot in my mood last night, easy child and difficult child will be opening it and we can spend today playing as a family. I have NEVER allowed early gift opening like that. Needless to say I anticipate thrilled kids today. Hopefully easy child's excitement for the holidays will rub off on me today. She's of course curious about the gifts under the tree but more so she's excited for our guests tomorrow, she calls it a party. My cousins son came to spend the night last night and they are giggling up a storm. She's counting days to meeting her new aunt and to our new years eve party we are having. Perhaps I just need to immerse myself in activities in the house today with easy child, surely all that good will and joy and delight will spill over right?

    I do enjoy the time spent gift wrapping. I do the fancy ribbons and whatnot for each package to make them special looking and I look forward to it and haven't quite finished. I think I'll go to my room and put on carols and finish that up and see if that doesn't infuse me with some holiday hoo rah.

    I do know I love the holidays because family comes together and that is what I look forward to every year. I cant' imagine my mood staying like this. I need a personal mantra today ... Pooh be-gone bad mood!
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Pick something that seems uplifting (your packages sound perfect) and immerse yourself. Don't worry about what comes of your mood when you're done...just enjoy the moment. hugs.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, M. I can relate. Hope you're feeling better today.
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I don't know what to say, M, but I hope it gets better and your holidays do, too. *hugs*
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    When I was 29 I got a nasty cold that led to incontinence when coughing or sneezing, didn't go away for about a year. I felt so awful about it. But really, what could I do?

    And last fall, it came back. Left again mid-April, then with all those drugs I had to take in the summer, and the pressure... It returned. And is still around. It's horrible. I understand, so well.

    I have a backup supply of pantiliners... They help with leakage. It's icky, and humiliating. But you know what? It's life.

    And you know what else? Those presents look awesome, don't they? Go do them. Make yourself smile. You deserve it!!!
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry that you had to endure this on top of the pain from the fall. Disease is not kind to our dignity, is it? I have gone through similar things. I was once shopping in a store and suddenly had to poop - no sickness, no cramping, no warning at all. I had to beg to be allowed to use their restroom because many businesses here do not have public bathrooms. I blamed it on 3yo Jess and potty training. I had to tie a jacket around my waist to get out of the store. I have also had urination problems like you describe. I know in my case that part of it is because of the size of wiz' head at birth and the doctor neither doing a c-section nor repairing ANY of the damage to my insides. further pregnancies didn't help because there was a LOT of scarring and it couldn't all be fixed. One of the few docs that I have ever put almost total confidence in has warned me that he believes I am highly likely to develop MS. This man has not ever been wrong - not when he said that I had a serious Vit D problem that wasn't fixable with supplements or sunlight - which every doctor denied could exist, and most refused to even test for it. This doctor told me about it in my early 20's and it was almost 2 decades later before anyone diagnosis'd it much less tried to treat it. (This doctor is a chiro but is incredibly gifted - very much on the autistic spectrum and this is his area of interest.)

    Anyway, you are NOT alone, not by a long shot. While no one wants to have to use depends type products, you can go to the manufacturer's websites or the walmart/sams website to get free samples of their products. It would let you try several types of pads/products to see which are the most comfortable for you. I think it is Tena that has a disposable underwear that is largely unnoticeable. It would likely make you feel a lot more confident if you had these on hand just in case, or even kept on tucked into a purse for times when you need it.

    Another thought - consider using one of those electric chairs when you are shopping. It makes it easier on you and you can move about faster when you need to.

  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    {{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

    I'm sorry, hon.
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry yesterday was so difficult.

    New traditions are good. Often, as time goes by, we try to recreate those traditions of old and they just don't work because of growing family, our limitations, etc. Beginning new ones is perfect!

    I hope you have a wonderful holiday!

  13. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    THank you all so much for even more understanding, and sharing your own similar experiences. You guys always come through when a gal needs it most!

    I'm feeling better emotionally. My difficult child bro of all people infused my spirit. S/O came in while I was in the bedroom wrapping, said difficult child bro was here. I was just sending easy child over with secret santa gifts for my superintendent and her granddaughter and my bro asked what we were up to. He'd been grocery shopping, about $100 in strictly special treat type things for holidays. He asked me for a blank christmas card, threw in a gift card for the grocery store he meant to give our mother, and 2-$20 bills, signed the card Love Santa. Walked over with easy child and when asked by super who on earth did this, he said I don't know! Just delivering it and wasn't told but Merry Christmas and he came back. She called thinking it was me and I assured her it was someone who knew she was a good person and struggling and wanted to make her holidays a bit brighter. That difficult child bro of me has something warm in him. It's how he redeems himself when he can be so awful and break my heart. When he left I had a little cry for the bipolar signs he exhibits more as he gets older and is showing recently, then smiled with the realization that underneath that part of him I dont like or respect lurks a person who has a big heart at moments like this. He welled up a bit telling me her face was just overwhelmed. Now how can that not warm a person right up?

    I finished wrapping my gifts and then threw together some trays of goodies with easy child and had my other neighbor, a widow we've become good friends with, over for a holiday visit of tea and treats and just good company. Turned out she's alone tomorrow and we're doing our turkey dinner so she's going to join us and gave us warm hugs as she headed home and seemed happy when saying she'll be here on time for dinner tomorrow.

    I'm still ugh about my body. But I'm focusing on the great friends near me and the family who are coming tomorrow who choose to share our lives with us. That's the real joy for me each holiday anyhow so I've resolved to hate my body once again after boxing day and not a moment before. Having said that, stupid bladder is insane today. I'm glad I don't need to leave the house!
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Awww (((hugs)))

    been there done that with the bladder spasms from heck. Not fun, embarrassing as can be...........and although most likely no one even notices you feel like every eyeball in the place is riveted on you. sigh I walked around in one of those heavy duty maxi pads for a while.

    I can give you a bit of a weird laugh.............. You'd never believe the looks you get when your ostomy bag is over full and starts leaking down your pant leg...........that's a bit much for a woman. :rofl: But that was a huge issue when I had the nephrostomy tubes in my back draining urine. I had my choice......leg bag that hid under sweat pants or carry around the foley bag (huge bag like with catheters). Only problem, leg bag filled quickly and tended to leak like mad when over full. I never realize how far apart mall restrooms were until I was wearing that stupid leg bag. ugh Yeah. A 22 yr old with urine running out her pant leg.........oh what a site. LOL I can laugh now, it's been 20 some years, at the time I wanted to die.

    Glad you're feeling better.