Completely desperate. 15 y/o brother's future at risk. School refusal, depression....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by fourleaflove, Jun 29, 2012.

  1. fourleaflove

    fourleaflove New Member

    I don't even know where to begin. This is pretty lengthly, and all over the place... there's just too much, but I really do hope you'll read...

    My 15 year old half brother was left to live with my grandparents and myself (all living in the same house) about 2 months or so ago. Our mother just up and left without notice, and it took days to find out she had actually left the state to live with her boyfriend. My brother's father hasn't really had a thing to do with him since my mother and him separated nearly 2 years ago. My brother and his father never really had a relationship, even when living in the same house. My stepfather pretty much treated him like **** most of the time, as he did with myself and my other brother when we were younger. Although not necessarily an physically agressive man, he was a definate emotional abuser... and my mom just let it all slide. I could get into details on the terrible things his Dad as said to him, but then my post would possibly never end.

    Since their separation, my mother IMMEDIATELY had a boyfriend. I can only assume she was seeing him before her separation with my stepfather. They were together for a few months, split, and within a month, had another boyfriend, then split, and soon after there was another... and another after that, and another. She's basically been with 5 guys or so (that I'm aware of) within the course of a year or so. 3/5 of which she allowed to stay, live, sleep, eat, bath, etc. in her home, again, all within a year or so. Did I mention they were either crazy, lazy, and/or possibly drug dealers/users? Our mother has exposed him to more than she ever should of, more than he deserved to, and at such a sort about of time. She's also moved about 3/4 times within that year.

    All these things, plus the tough times of being a teen, are negatively affecting his schooling, his social life, his sleep, and.. I guess pretty much every part of his life. Since his middle school years, my mother has always had a problem with getting him go to school, so every school year, he'd miss a lot of school days, but managed to pass. A few months before she left, she caved in, and set him up for a home schooling program, virtual schooling. Come time when he moved in with us, I checked his progress. He never did a thing. She never checked in on it, and just let it be.

    Our problem now is he's gotten progressively worse since she left. He sleeps all day, and is up all night. This habit he developed a few months before living with us. He spends all his waking time on the computer, either on FB, or in chats talking to people in other parts of the world. He met this teenage girl, who is a extremely depressive person herself, and he spends a lot of time talking on the phone with her. Sometimes he'll play his guitar, sometimes he'll play his video games. Sometimes he'll eat. Usually one massive good meal, and the rest is complete junk. He was raised eating the quick stuff, McDonalds, cereal, pizza, etc. Sometimes he might shower/brush his teeth every 2-3 days, this too, he's been doing since childhood. He use to go out with friends occasionally, very occasionally, cause our parents never liked giving his rides anywhere, but no he refuses to go anywhere but his best friend's house. He'll want to stay there days at a time. He's admitted to thinking he has social anxiety, in the past, but our mom didn't do anything about it. The little school work that I managed to get him motivated enough to do since he's been here, is no more. He 100% refuses to do anything related to school.

    I've had 3 big conversations with him since he got here. Out of anyone, he's always trusted me the most, and had admitted a few things to me that "shocked" me, but well, I never really knew he felt this way. He told me he was depressed, but content with being that way. He's also told me stuff like "What's the point of life? You're born and then you just die.... I promise you I'm not gonna live past 30.... If I don't become a musician, then I don't want to do anything else with my life... I guess I'll get to see what the after life is like, etc." He admited to not wanting to assume any adult responsibilties. He doesn't want to get his drivers license. He pretty much has a "human-beings suck" attitude. On our last convo, he started claiming that his best friend's mom said he could move in with them, and so now he has it stuck in his head that this is what he wants to do. It breaks my heart. This kid is insanely smart, and capable, but he's lazy. He's never had to throw out the trash, barely serves his own plate, he can't even grab his own towel for his showers.

    I had taken away his XBox about a month ago. He didn't really care about that. When I realized he really wasn't going to continue doing any school work, and his teachers began to drop him from their course, I blocked him out of internet usage. And that right there, prompted a war. I wasn't home at the time he realized, but he sent me multiple texts saying things like "Who the $%^ do you think you are? You're not my mother, you're not even my full blood...." When I got home, he was napping... but later on in the night, he called me out of my room, asked for me to go outside, and started his conversation with "I don't know who the ^&*$ you think you are...." Uhhh? He called me an idiot several times, till he finally told me to "go inside then" when I told him I refused to let him speak to me that way. The next day, I noticed him FB. I guess he found his way around. I immediately told him that he needed to get off of the computer, unless he intented to do school work. He blew up. I disconnected the router from the computer. This made him blow over. He started yelling, he started shaking. At one point, he grabbed my laptop from my room, and threated to smash it. This continued for a few minutes, till my grandmother got involved, more yelling ensued, and then at some point, he just began crying. Hysterically. Then he calmed down, walked outside, and made a phone call. My grandfather, who never really involves himself, or likes to deal with anything, for that matter, stepped up and said he wanted none of this chaos right now, and since my brother had asked him to take him to his friend's house earlier, my grandfather decided he would. He's now been there for about a week.

    We are completely drained. I can't deal with this. And neither can my 65 year old grandparents. Having a 1 year old myself, I can't. I have tried, and tried. I want to get him help, but he refuses to see a professional. He's depressed, and suffering from some sort of anxiety. When I told his Dad about the situation, he told me "look for a boot camp. I don't know what to do with him." The last thing I want is for him to go with my mother. I whole heartedly feel that would be one way of making sure his future is either non-existent, or simply put, a very crappy one. Every place I call is volutary only. I'm not sure where to go from her short of just tossing him with his parents.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Have you talked to the school? Counselors there may have some suggestions. Also, see if you can get him to agree to an annual physical and talk to that doctor to find options.
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    P.S. having a written list of concerns to give the school counselor or medical doctor will help. Ask the receptionist to have the person read through it before calling your brother in. It will give them time to line up resource information.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board. :)

    It sounds as if your brother is severely depressed, with good reason. There may also be other issues going on, but this is the one that is pretty much in your face, so to speak. He needs to see / be evaluated by a therapist, and most likely a psychiatrist (for possible medications if nothing else). At 15, the law says he has to go to school. I'd call the state school board and see where you stand there. You don't need the police knocking at your door because he's truant. (and yes, even with online school he can be truant)

  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi. Who has legal custody of your brother? If his mom left and she does you might be able to involve child protection (sort of voluntary ) and they could maybe help arrange treatment ...if he refuses it maybe could be residential treatment or a therapeutic foster home. You can also write a letter to the school districts department of Special Education. And say you want an evaluation for sp. Ed. Services. He can receive supportive placement for a student with an emotional and behavioral disability. His legal guardian would have to sign assessment permission though.
    He needs professional help and yes in some places he is old enough to deny it unless court ordered. If he is a threat to himself always call 911 though so you can document the threats and they can evaluate him. He at least can be helped thru each threat.

    In our area we have charter schools for the arts. Do you have any such schools? It could be a way to focus his energy on something positive.
    Sending you much love for this heartbreaking situation. He is blessed to have you. He is likely to wear out his welcome with these people soon so be prepared for what you want the next step to be for him. I hope they are a positive role model for him but in case ...

    These are just ideas. I don't know if they apply to your situation but just sharing ideas. Hugs to you ...
  6. fourleaflove

    fourleaflove New Member

    His parents have custody. As of now, my grandmother hasn't done anything about gaining custody of him or anything. I was actually trying to look for some sort of residential program, but so far, the places I've called are all voluntary. And basically, the only way to force him is by court order. One program I called, offered similar advice about finding some sort of program that also offers something that interest him, like music.

    I'm not sure if they're a positive role or not, but I do know that this lady isn't in any position to be making such an offer with her current family, and living situation.

    Thank you for the ideas. I really do appreciate it all.
  7. fourleaflove

    fourleaflove New Member

    I've spoken to his father about the police seeking parents if he doesn't go to school. I'm not sure he's taking it quite serious. I'm gonna try calling the school board again. I actually called last week, and the only help they offered was to call his virtual school directly, which wasn't helpful either.

    Thank you.
  8. fourleaflove

    fourleaflove New Member

    I've tried calling the school board once, with no real luck, and I tried calling his virtual school program, hoping that, like public school, they'd have counselors for their home schoolers. I think taking him to get a physical is a great idea, but he actually doesn't even have medical insurance and hasn't for nearly a year, since our mom quit her job, to live off her current boyfriend. She never seeked any aid, or anything. I've been looking into our state medical aid, and my grandparents are able to apply for him, but because of the house hold income, it'd be over $100 for his insurance, and my grandmother insist that his father pay this, but in the past 2 years, he's barely paid over $800, and most of which, I'm almost positive, my mother used for herself. I wish I could offer to pay his medical insurance, but I don't even have any myself. Sighs.

    Thank you so much.
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Well, if you become worried for his safety, and they have custody, you can call cps for child abandonment. He then can be compelled into treatment and maybe it would light a fire under his grandparents' bottoms to do the legal paperwork. It is so unfair to him to be left on his own like that, even if not emotionally, no one is really able to take control when he can't with things this way. He needs a legal guardian to take control of this. I'm just so sorry it is not a position you as a sister can really (or should have to ) take. You are really abandoned here with this too. That is a lot of trauma for both of you. I'm sorry. There are parents here who have been able to use CPS to get services because they voluntarily called and said they had a child who is in need of services but they are not able to get help. I wonder if you could do that for your brother. They maybe would then legally put him in your custody (or grandparents). It is worth a call.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If your brother is now living with your grandparents because both his parents have left him (and you are in the US), then he is eligible for Medicaid on his own based on his own income. I am assuming he doesnt get any income.