Completely Lost......

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by JILLYC, Feb 6, 2014.


    JILLYC New Member

    My Son's story....started the end of his junior year. Got into the wrong group of friends. Found out he was smoking pot the beginning of his senior year. His father and I came down hard, drug tested every month, and his father was active in getting him into a good college playing football. His father decided in the spring of my son's senior year that he didn't want to be married and walked out after 23 years. Devastated the whole family. From that point he has been in rapid decline. I could hardly cope myself let alone keep him on the right path....thought I was doing that. The party's, alcohol consumption, and drugs became a way of life for him. January of 2012 he had a wake up call and I thought he was turning things around. Not the case. June came and he let a friend drive his car drunk, it was totaled and the cops found drug paraphernalia in the car. He is currently on the stet docket and if he remains out of trouble for the next year those charges will not go on his record. Meanwhile the parties have continued....October I started noticing things disappearing from the house. Confronted him and he said they were in his car or at a friend's big deal. Last month a lot more had disappeared....he was given an option of going to get help or be turned into the police. He confessed all that he had been selling items for money. He has not been able to hold a job...just quits going to work and gets fired. I told him it was time to get things straight or he wasn't going to be living at home anymore. He started seeing a counselor and taking medication for depression. I found an item gone yesterday...he lied to begin with about what happened to it and then told me the truth that he sold it because he owed someone money. I am at a complete loss. I kicked him out and he is supposed to bring his car back today...I'm not letting him drive it...he has no job, no money, the car is in my name. He doesn't have a relationship with his Dad and I'm the only one dealing with it. I'm worn out, an emotional mess, and just need some help. He will be 20 in 5 months...he can give a good story about changing but I do not see it. Not sure if he is doing other drugs besides pot...I know he drinks.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Jillyc. Glad you found us but sure sorry you had to even look for support. None of us have found "the" answer as each of us have different personalities and circumstances. on the other hand, we do have some commonalities. We all love our difficult child's. Almost all of us never dreamed we would have to face such complex issues. Some of us have lived this dysfunctional nightmare for over a decade and some have chosen to detach quickly in hopes our difficult child's would recognize what a terrible path it was to be alone, broke, & surrounded by people who neither receive or show respect. The decisions you make will be difficult, at best. My advice is to read the SA and the PE forums and absorb what seems best for you and your son. You have a network of diverse caring friends now. You are not alone. Hugs DDD
  3. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    JillyC, first off--sorry you're going through this. Your story sounds like where I could possibly end up in a few years with my difficult child.(search tymica and it will bring up my posts and story) Since I am new to this I don't have a lot of advice but I will repeat some advice given to me on this forum. If you're going to have him gone anyway try to get him into rehab, better that than just putting him out. With him already having some legal issues hanging over him, it sounds like good leverage to push him into getting help. The counseling may just not be intensive enough for the help he needs.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, there. I would say most of us who have been here a while have been pretty much in your shoes and pretty much lived your life and our adult kids pretty much all followed a similar pattern to your son. I would not be a bit surprised if he were using a lot more than pot and if the drugs are what he is stealing to buy drugs...and I am guessing he owes money to a drug dealer. My daughter did and he threatened to k ill her. Of course we didn't know this while it was going on. We just knew she stole and that she claimed she owed somebody money, but not until she quit did she tell us some drug dealer was after her. We made her leave the house and she DID quit, but it took her hitting rock bottom with no friends and being sick of herself to do so and it would never have happened in our house. It was too easy to enable her. And to believe her lies. Until we couldn't anymore.

    Your son is 20, an adult, and you should not be suffering because of HIS bad choices and mess ups and, yes, get your car back! I highly recommend you find a Narc-Anon meeting for caregivers of drug users because you will get on track on how to deal with your son...and how to start focusing on you and YOUR happiness and YOUR life. You've had some rough blows within the last year. You need to be good to you. You CAN NOT change your son or anybody in the world, except for yourself. I think private therapy is also very helpful; therapy that focuses on your own life. You may also want to look into The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) for more help on how to deal with your son. And I'd read our forum article on detachment.

    There is no reason for you to pay for any of his "toys" anymore. He can get a job. He is just too involved with his friends and whatever they are doing. Any money you give him may go to drugs.Does substance abuse run anywhere in his family tree on either side? Is he willing to go to a rehab?

    I am really sorry for your hurting mommy heart, and I hope you stay here and learn how all of us dealt with similar situations. We are on call 24/7 :)
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Welcome Jilly, Sorry you had to find us but I am glad you did..... I have been in your shoes as far as your son......I think you are doing the right things. There is no reason you should have him live with you when he steals from you. It does not help him if he learns he can just take advantage of you, steal from you and not obey your rules. Much better for him to learn at age 20 that there are consequences for this kind of behavior that to learn it at 30 or 40.

    My guess is given the amount he is stealing from you, even after you confronted him that there is more going on than pot... but you may never know what it is or how much. I know I still really dont know the extent of mhy sons drug use, I just know he will use anything to get high. In the end it doesnt really matter, go on his behavior towards you and how he is stealing from you and that is enough to be clear he cant live with you under those circumstances.

    Midwest mom is right, you need to get support and take care of yourself. I have found an alanon group for parents that has been a wonderful source of support for me.

    And as much as none of us want to see our kids in trouble with the law sometimes that is our best option.. My son like yours, did many small things and kept being told he had to behave himself or else.... well he kept on doing things until finally they came down hard on him and he has a felony on his record now..... then we sent him out of state to rehab which he left which was a violation of probation. He came back and they had warrants out for his arrest.... ended up spending some time in jail and is now in a treatment program ordered by the court. It is the best thing that could have happened.... as it is no longer me pushing it.... and he has some motivation to continued because otherwise they will put him back in jail (or he will have to run out of state). All this started young and now he is only 22.... so you are not alone.

    And no matter what happened with your husband etc. this is not your fault. He is almost 20 and the decisions he is making are his, and his alone. And he is going to need to find his way past this.... all you can do is to continue to love him, and offer him help in finding rehab. Dont give him any money.... and dont allow him to live with you if he is going to steal from you.

    And unfortunately most of us with difficult children that are drug addicts have learned we cant believe anything they say....because they will lie to get what they want. My hope is that someday with sobriety I will be able to trust my son.... but we are a long way from that.


    Sent from my iPad using ConductDisorders
  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Jilly, stop the flow of money. That is the first step. And it's one of the hardest. A 20-year-old (almost) needs to be working full time if he is not in school. He is getting fired because he is making the choice not to follow the rules.

    I know this is very upsetting---I have been there with my son, now 24. If you continue to enable him, he will learn that he doesn't have to stand up and be a man and take responsibility. I did that to my son, because I didn't know any better about what was really going on and because I kept thinking it was just a phase and he needed more time to grow up. I had a lot of things I told myself in my ignorance and despair.

    But when I learned better, I started doing better.

    Reading this site and all of the relevant forums will give you a consistent message and plan for dealing with your son and cutting short the time I took to "get it."

    Only you can make the decisions you need to make. Only you can know what you can live with and when.

    Only he can change his own life. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

    Believe me. Getting out of the way and letting him take the consequences of his own choices right now is the best thing you can do for you and for him.

    Once you get your mind going in that direction (and your heart and your actions and your voice) then you can start turning your energy and your focus back to your own life. That is where something good can happen.

    Al-Anon is a great program to help you do that. I have worked the program for the past four years, and it has brought me incredible recovery from the disease of enabling and a lot of joy, peace and serenity. I am a much better and healthier person today.

    Blessings and prayers for you and for your precious son today.