Complications

[HopeRemains]

Hi there, ladies. I haven't been on in a while because it seemed with his new therapist that he'd been having fewer, shorter rages. That's the goal. Well, this last few weeks have been so overwhelming. His 9th birthday was this month and I think maybe his anxiety over that caused some of the behaviors, but I'm not sure. In one week he defecated 3 times in his pants and had an all day rage that led to his dad having to miss school to come home for. New hole in the wall. New rants about him hating me and saying he was going to move to his biomom's. Said he'd walk there if he has to. Screaming. Lots of bullying. He also told his dad that he hated him and that his biomom's husband is his "real" dad.

This past weekend was hers. We knew that she was going to fill him full of nonsense because she was mad at husband for not agreeing to her having an extra day every other week (with her stipulation that he drops off and picks up, which would we all around not following the decree and going the extra mile for her, which never ends well for anyone) and she said it outright in an email. So, difficult child gets home and yesterday he starts up with an additude and gets himself grounded again. Then comes the rage. He screams at me that he is moving out of here when he turns 16. I'd been keeping quiet and not engaging, but I had to probe him because he only tells the truth about what she says when he is mad and screaming it at us. I asked "why 16?". He replied that his Mother had told him that he needed to get out of here before he turned 16 and that he could go live with her then. (She also told him a month ago about how she pays child support. Yeah, the whole $50 she sometimes makes payments on, she's thousands in arrears. He didn't even know what child support was before this, and now claims that husband spends it all on himself.) He also told husband later that his Mother told him she was going to buy him a cell phone and a car when he turns 16 and moves in with her.

I'm irrate. I don't expect anything less from her, but REALLY? Like he doesn't have enough issues to deal with without arming him with all of these thoughts? Way to undermine anything we've progressed on!!! I've realize that she is a narcissist which is close to psychopath diagnosis. The kicker? She doesn't even want him. She can't handle him! And I am having a really hard time right now dealing with two people who have disorders who's main objective is to be hostile and disrupt our entire family. I just want to cry. I mean, life goes on but right now I feel like they've broken me. All of the lies she tells him he WANTS to hear and they feed off of eachother. That's how it feels, anyways.

 

[Mattsmom277]

As wretched an idea as this is like to be, is there any chance that your husband could return to court to request court ordered boundaries to prevent certain behaviors by bio mom when speaking with difficult child? I ask this because I recently had a court battle (not initiated by me) that ended up revealing years of parent alienation for my easy child from her dad and his wife. I was always aware in a small level that they spoke to easy child inappropriately about me and my s/o. But once court was initiated, boat loads of new info was revealed that showed a level of damage to easy child that will linger for a lifetime. If I had known, I would have taken ex to court years ago and outed to the family court what his actions were. If you do a search for parent alienation, you can read the effect on children put into this position. Silence in the face of true alienation can destroy a child. My easy child was contemplating with seriousness, taking her own life. She is 13 now. In our now open dialogue, I know now that by age 9, her pain was huge and confusion was immense. Presented to a court with the right motive, protection from emotional harm for your difficult child, may be an option to consider. Courts are more and more aware these days of the reality for children forced to listen to this from winter parent or both parents. difficult child deserves protection from this. His bio mom choosing to force difficult child into a position of a power struggle with your husband, is a huge flag that alienation is already in the harmful stage. Regardless of his bio moms dislike of your husband or even you, every child needs to know its ok to love both parents. And it's not ok to be forced to pick sides etc. nor should bio mom be putting difficult child in a position to have to hate your husband in order to gain favor with bio mom.

I personally recommend finding a therapist well schooled in parent alienation and working with children in broken homes. Setting a trail now of documentation of ideas put into difficult children mind, could be the key later to a judge intervening in a healthy way ton prevent ongoing harm for difficult child. Meanwhile, difficult child would benefit from a therapist to help him navigate this mine field.

I'm sorry your difficult child is going through this. Document document document everything.

 

[HopeRemains]

Mattsmom, He is seeing a therapist and I think that the therapist is aware of the alienation. I just shot him a quick note to probe him on possibly protecting difficult child, legally. The problem: biomom is a grade "a" liar, as narcissists are. She flat out denies she said any of this and is constantly saying that we are the ones talking badly of her. This is projection, but she is VERY good at it. Here, this is her response to husband confronting her that this is what was said:

"Instead of accusing me of things the right thing to do is ask. Not that I need to explain anything to you but that is not at all what was said. He asked me if he could live with me. I asked him why he would want to live with me. I obviously made a bad choice by telling him he wanted to live here because he thought he would not ever be in trouble. Why I continue to have your back is beyond me. I won't any more!

We also had a conversation about him not being able to call me when he was upset. He also asked me why he can't stay here for Mondays. Which I have never talked about in front of him either. I'm am not the one making his issues worse. You are, own it and leave me alone.

For future reference, I will talk to my Son about whatever I want. Its none of your business. Stop lying to him and maybe he would stop lying to you."

And this is a clip from last week with her saying she was going to do something like this:

"I'm over this situation, your the one that looks like the fool! I'm trying to see my Son and your clearly stuck in the past and very jealous that I'm a great Mom, wife and person. Our Son will know truth from now on. I will no longer allow you and Hope to get away with the things you do to sabotage my relationship with My Son!!!!

Your head games with Me and our Son are a strong sign of a sickness you have."

 

[TeDo]

I agree. My sister was able to get things put in the divorce/child custody papers like "he has to refer to her as Mom when talking to or around the kids" (they were 16 and 14) and that "he cannot say negative things about her to or around the kids", etc. Even though they are now 21 and 19, she still fumes when she hears that my brother in law (he's still VERY much a part of our family since she left and didn't talk to ANY of us for 2 years) said something to someone and said her name in front of her kids because "the court papers say....". You'd be amazed at what can be put in there.

Another thought. Can you point these things out to the therapist and psychiatrist so they can talk to difficult child about what she says? If you can get enough documentation, the courts or DCF or whoever can limit visitation rights because of the emotional toll it's taking on difficult child, Know what I mean?? I REALLY hope you are documenting EVERYTHING he says and when and under what circumstances. Make sure to document all behaviors and all the details surrounding them (calendar style if you have to) so the pattern becomes VERY clear to anyone that looks at it.

Sorry you are ALL going through this. It really hoovers. {{{HUGS}}} to all of you.

 

[HopeRemains]

Unfortunatley, TeDo, she feels that rules don't apply to her. She already breaks the Right of First Refusal all the time (of which we do have proof, but have realized that something so small will probably appear petty in court). She's lost her license for lack of child support payments and she still drives him around town when she thinks we won't know. We've actually caught her once, we just happened to be in town and pull up right behind her driving with difficult child (no seatbelt) jumping up to wave to us from the back window. We had considered taking her to court last year. But she is so stressful as it is we've put it off. I get discouraged hearing all the stories of these people only getting slapped on the hands. With her ability to flip things WE might be the ones who end up looking like monsters. I'm not saying we will never take her to court, but at that time we just didn't feel it was worth the rage it would bring out in her, and the vindictiveness. She is MUCH more malicious than would could ever dream of being, and difficult child gets the short end of the stick, always!

 

[HopeRemains]

Oh, and yes, I document everything. I also have kept therapist advised of these things as they've happened for the past year. I hope he comes back with an email saying "YES, I will vouch for the things that difficult child has said!", but he seems more solution orientated rather than cause orientated. Which on some level, because difficult child is so young, is absolutely the way to go. I do wish he'd delve in a little more and do some digging, though!

 

[BusynMember]

My son is going through similar stuff with his ex. Are you thinking of going back to court? If so, keep everything she writes to you.

Although it is against the law, in his state, for either parent to demean the other parent in front of the kid, it happens all the time. I'm not sure how much it can be enforced, especially if there is no actual record of the BM saying anything, unless the child fesses up. Like my son's lawyer said, "Unless it's written down, it's your word against hers." He told my son that documentation is also he said/she said so proof is the best thing...like texting. Son had a top notch lawyer, but can't afford him anymore so he got a new lawyer. It's a mess. I do feel for you. It's often such a bloody mess in which the kids lose the most.

I think my ex daughter in law has severe borderline personality disorder!

 

[HopeRemains]

I don't really know if they will end up in court. They've never actually gone to court. She signed over her rights easily and without a court appearance when difficult child was 2. She talks a lot about court, threatens with court over silly things. We've very seriously considered court and have piles of notebooks, journals and every single email. From what I've read, sometimes even that isn't enough. The only ruling that might help would be supervised or very limited visitation, which may be hard to get. If the judge just rules that she not talk badly about us, that would just be laughable.