comply or treatment center

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by compassion, Dec 12, 2008.

  1. compassion

    compassion Member

    It has been a challenging week with difficult child. She has been very manic, defiant,tyrannical. I am back to saying OK it is your choice-either coomply by the recovery oreinted guidelines here or choose the hospital.
    She has chosen all week to make unhealthy choices. Today she annocunses she will be sseing girls she has used urgs and alcholhol plus broken the law in othes ways with (stolen,drivng cars around) I am syaing you cojmply here by my rules or it si in the hospital.
    She was demsnding to do myspace, before she did what she is to do on her contract. She basiclaly ignored contract all week. Support please! Compassion
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't blame you at all for wanting to give an ultimatum. If she's never been in the hospital before, you might want to make sure insurance or someone will and can cover the costs. I take it under these circumstances, that you aren't referring to an acute admittance. I'm trying to find help for my situation with my son and everything I try to pursue leads me to a brick wall due to funding- well, not everything, but there sure don't appear to be many options out there.
  3. compassion

    compassion Member

    Hi, She was in acute for 9 days this summer. Yeh, the 12,000 a month intimidates me too. There is a way to get funding -psychiatrist has been telling me about it. I am praying for what is best for all.
    I have so manhy cool tings to channel her enrgy:skitrip,vooleyball, healthy friends, art, music, a jov at the Humane Society, great therapist and psychiatrist , loads of AA meetings, and fun moives. Compassion
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That sounds like you are talking about an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), correct?? For the 15 yo?? If you don't mind me asking, how does your psychiatrist suggest getting it funded?
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I just wanted to jump in and offer some support. Yes i read in your other post the outlets that you have created for her, which i thought were great.

    Yet i wouldn't blame you with giving an ultimatum at this piont if your requests aren't going to be respected on any level and your going to be completely steam rolled over.

  6. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    12,000 is very much for a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). To justify that amount we are talking 24/7 hospital and one of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) I have heard off in that price level located in Tenneessee are for murders and people who have made bombs threats.

    Is her condition that bad?

    What if you called the local authorities and asked them for permission to tour one of the local group homes with her as a kind of "scared straight"? Wouldn't that do the trick. Here our continuation schools have a "open day" where everyone interested can drop in and see what the youth miss out. A neighbor took his daughter to such a place where they start the day with singing psalms and prayers. It cured her instantly.

    When I researched Idaho a year back I found a place in Idaho for girls only where they all wear overalls, attend church and the internet is barely invented. Therapy dont seem to be prioritized, but the girls are kept out of harms way until they either become church attached or simply grows out of their teenage ways. It is only half the price. I am sure that they would say yes to a visit by you and your daughter. Just because you visit the place you don't have to drop her off. When you return home, just have the admission papers hang ready openly but unsigned and undated. That should keep her in line.

    If you really want to scare her straight and you seem to be willing to pay a lot for it, then hire a transport firm to have her transported almost to the gates of the facility and then walk the rest of the way for the visit with her telling her that the next time it would for real.

    Of course You could just print out the contract for the transport firm and leave it for her to be found by accident.

    In our home we believe in speaking about things openly and reveal all options and put them on the table in advance. Show her the brochures, include her in the research and tell her that you love her but you are paying the rent so your rules goes. If she wants to move out the day she turns 18, you wont stand in the way for her to get a job beside school and create a savings account. You could also include her in the process of how huge bills are, so she knows how many money it takes to be on her own.

    We can not hide reallity for our kids. They need to be shown that life can be hard also once "they are free" of us controlling them.

    I pray for you to reach a solution for you and your daughter to be able to solve the problems within the walls of your home.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    The decision to put your difficult child in the hospital, a group home, an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), is really dependent on many factors. Her ability to comply with the rules at home, and rules of society at large, is one of those factors.

    I would work really closely with her psychiatrist and see what is available. Sounds like you have a great list of things to "keep her straight" but unless she is willing, it's useless. She is old enough to fight you at every turn.

    I hope you find a solution that will allow her to move forward.

  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Honestly, I think you're asking an awful lot of a 15 YO who does drugs and drinks. To comply and stay in the same environment is nearly impossible for adults, let alone a young teenager. The kids at school who don't use and abuse aren't going to have anything to do with her. The only acceptance she will get is from those who do and she is at the age where peer acceptance is vital.

    I'd be looking into a long-term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for her at this point. One that deals with abuse issues as well as helping gain back her self-esteem and give her the tools to at least know how to say no to all of the temptations when she is back.

    Whether you can get insurance or any financial help for this is another question. While my daughter did not use drugs, she did stay out all night, was completely defiant and very much out of the control. Neither insurance, school nor adoption services would assist me for any great amount. Most of the cost fell on my shoulders and I sincerely doubt I will ever recover financially from this. So, you may have to decide exactly how much you can afford to sacrifice for her. There truly have to be limits.
  9. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I'm with MB on this one. My dtr went to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when she was 16, did very well there, came back home to same environment (we couldn't afford to then send her anyplace else) and relapsed within a couple of months. We took out a parent loan for $50,000 to cover the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for most of the months she was there (about 8 1/2). Our health insurance covered a little but not much.

    It was such a hard decision but we felt we had no good alternatives and frankly her therapist pushed it hard (sure, she didn't have to pay for it) and made it seem like she would be dead soon if she didn't go. I don't know that I would do it again if I could do it all over again, it's hard to say. She did learn a lot and now has a toolbox, so to speak, that she can use if she wants to. It did allow our family some much needed respite from her and maybe most importantly it allowed our younger dtr to come forward with the problems she was having but felt she had to stuff away when her sister was around. We are still dealing with that now, 4 years later.

    It certainly wasn't a miracle cure though--she didn't come home all fixed. She was fixed as long as she was in the bubble environment of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but she couldn't resist the temptations once she left.

    I feel for you, I really do. Your dtr is so young--as MB says, it is hard enough to be an adult and deal with the "real" world as an addict. It is a lot to expect from a 15 yr old and she really doesn't sound like she is committed to her recovery.

    I see I really have no "answers" for you, can only relate my own experience.

  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I know you are trying your hardest. And that your husband is confused about what to do - and is giving in to her.

    It is INCREDIBLY HARD to break an addiction. And it is almost impossible to do it if you are in the same environment you used in, esp if you don't really really really WANT to change.

    It certainly doesn't sound like your difficult child WANTS to change. I would be surprised if she wasn't sneaking some substance or other, esp at those concerts and parties your husband takes her to. It is WAAAAY to easy to use and then hide it, esp if you have a parent who gives in to you in spite of behavior contracts.

    As often as your husband has given in to her requests/demands that are out of bounds with the contracts, the chances she is mending her ways are slim.

    For HER sake, a dual diagnosis facility (treats sub abuse and mental illness at the same time) or at the LEAST a rehab facility is what you are going to need to do.

    If you leave info about the places laying around, esp a transport contract, she will most likely run. She WON'T see it as a chance to clean up her act so she doesn't have to go. She will just run.

    Make plans, but make them in secret. When you are ready to put her in the car and drive her to the facility, then tell her. Or tell her once she is IN the car and teh child safety locks are engaged. Or the transport firm is there.

    I talked to my son before I posted this (Wiz) - using only VERY general terms. He said that he saw kids at the long-term psychiatric hospital he was in that knew well ahead of time they were coming (even the night before is well ahead when I pinned him down on the time frame). These kids, every single one, RAN.

    Their families had to search for them and PRAY that the child was found before the bed was given to someone else.

    Make phone calls when she isn't home, or when you are somewhere else. Keep all the notes you write hidden or locked up.

    And if you feel she will rage in the car once she finds out where she is going, then have the police or a transport company take her there. You can always follow them.

    No matter what, make SURE that there is another ADULT in the vehicle with you - one who can subdue her if she starts to grab the steering wheel, get out of the car, etc.... It will also help YOU to have them there, as this will be an incredibly difficult thing to do.
  11. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    Why hide the facts from her?

    I know that a teen in Florida is jailed because it is claimed that she let some of her friends kill her mother because she discovered that she was about to enter a feared lockdown (at least that's the impression among the teens living in the area. They all comply because they wont go there. Sometime I could use to look over to such a neighbor when domestic problems reaches the ceiling).

    But really. How many examples are there of that?

    But you are mentioning friends. It brings me to believe that there is a community based problem there. Somehow it seems unfair that you all have to pay a lot of money to save your teen, when the problem is in the community now and will be in the community once your daughter is released from her "bubble".

    compassion: Don't you know the parents of these other teens? Are they not all struggling with the same issues - worried sick about their offspring? Could you with the help of the police try to reach out to them?

    I have to introduce a concept we have here in Denmark - It is called SSP. It stands for School-Social security-Police. Representatives from each of these departments meats and discuss both general issues and single cases, so they don't need to waste tax-payers money on incarceration once things turn really bad.

    During the summer holidays we have groups of youth drinking alcohol on the empty school campuses. Some of them are not even confirmed - under 15 (Here youth are given alcohol by their parents as part as part of the confirmation ritual). Of course they are reported to the police and they are given some meat to eat by the police officers and the social services informed. They could have chosen to arrest them as it is done in other cultures but then the would have hidden their activities and it would be more costly. The DSS did their work and when the school started in august, the problem was solved. It is a about dialogue.

    But parents cannot solve it alone. Nor is it possible for the police, schools or even DSS to do it alone.

    In some cultures the speaking is that it takes a community to raise a child. It could be true in this case also.

    I cannot think of a parent who want to let her off-springs becomes addicts or criminals, but some are on the edge of breaking down themselves and have to let go.

    There should be something like support groups for parents of teens with problems in the community in every town - not only message boards like this (I am grateful that we have here). There should also be volunteer networks like our nightowls - people the youth can talk to without being judged regardless of the fact that they are drunk.

    But it has to start someplace. It could be you who wants to save 12,000 dollars by reaching out to these other parents so you can join forces and get all the girls off the streets.

    A final thing I have learned is that youth listen to peers rather than adults. I am advocating for introduction of Peer courts in my county. While we see a lot of programs about youth in TV and media, the reality is that most are doing OK. What if the good kids are allowed to weight in when judging youths breaking the laws? Surveys show that the word of peers means a lot more to the single teenager than being put in an ordinary court. In fact many Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s use the same kind of method. They allow the peers to judge rule violations.

    As stated above. I believe in putting facts on the table in the open and honestly present your options to your child way before putting them into action. If she choose to run, she run anyway if possible from the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I would let the numbers to both the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), the myspace group of former clients of the specific Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and even message boards with critical message boards with threads about this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) hang in the kitchen. Let her talk to former clients. She will know that she has no choice but to change if she wants to continue to watch TV, use a computer and hang out with a positive peer group in the community - things all teens take for granted until they have tried to miss them.

    You can save those 12,000 per month by serving her the facts in her face.

    I pray for you and urge you to have the strength to confront her once and for all. If you pm me, I can find some "scared straight" stories for her to read. All too many teens believe that private Residential Treatment Center (RTC) are just stories and they are empty threats. (((hugs)))