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Concerned about 12-year old granddaughter
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 717779" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I raised my granddaughter from 11 on. I was in her life for her whole life and I was a major caregiver for her for her whole life. She was, like your granddaughter a sweet child. When she hit puberty, that all changed. She was also diagnosed with ODD, which as someone mentioned, can be a catch all and early diagnosis. We got her in therapy. We sent her to religious camps. We got her involved in peer groups and sports. It all helped. However, she was difficult until she turned about 17-18 when it began mellowing out. </p><p></p><p>Her early therapist told us that she would likely have to "discover her roots" at some point and that point emerged when she was in the 9th grade. (Her Dad committed suicide when she was 3 and her Mother, my daughter, went south after his death and really never returned to normal)......My granddaughter spent one year with her paternal grandmother at 14 years old. It seemed very important to her to find out if she was like them, or like our side of the family, she was trying to find herself. I understood. When she returned, she was different. She had worked something out for herself, within herself. </p><p></p><p>Here's my take on it......I think puberty is tough for typical kids, but when there are "issues" of abandonment, whether thru adoption or whatever reason they're not living with their parents.... I believe puberty is when the child is old enough to become cognizant of their reality from a different perspective. The typical process of detaching from parents becomes uber intense, passionate and deep for them. They are desperate to fit in and to find out who they are. You might find benefit from reading Reviving Ophelia: Saving the lives of adolescent girls by Mary Pipher. It's very informative and will help you to see the pressures they face today. From observing my granddaughter's process, I believe she needed to connect with the various players and come to her own terms about all of it. As time went by she mellowed out and began identifying herself with her Mother's side of the family, and managed to work it out in some fashion with her Dad's family too. The lines of communication were always open for her to discuss how she felt, we were very open and honest. </p><p></p><p>It seems to me they have a different path to take to find their way thru puberty and into adulthood. She may not be able to put it into words just yet...so she acts out....the anger finds a way to come out ......underneath, there may be sorrow.....but later, like my granddaughter, she may be able to share it with you. My granddaughter actually told me when she returned to me for 10th grade, that she had had an epiphany, that she really put us thru the "ringer" and she was sorry.....she figured out on her own that she was directing all of the anger she had for her Mother, at me. </p><p></p><p>I would find a good therapist, for her and perhaps at some point, for all of you. Hang in there. You're not alone. Keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 717779, member: 13542"] I raised my granddaughter from 11 on. I was in her life for her whole life and I was a major caregiver for her for her whole life. She was, like your granddaughter a sweet child. When she hit puberty, that all changed. She was also diagnosed with ODD, which as someone mentioned, can be a catch all and early diagnosis. We got her in therapy. We sent her to religious camps. We got her involved in peer groups and sports. It all helped. However, she was difficult until she turned about 17-18 when it began mellowing out. Her early therapist told us that she would likely have to "discover her roots" at some point and that point emerged when she was in the 9th grade. (Her Dad committed suicide when she was 3 and her Mother, my daughter, went south after his death and really never returned to normal)......My granddaughter spent one year with her paternal grandmother at 14 years old. It seemed very important to her to find out if she was like them, or like our side of the family, she was trying to find herself. I understood. When she returned, she was different. She had worked something out for herself, within herself. Here's my take on it......I think puberty is tough for typical kids, but when there are "issues" of abandonment, whether thru adoption or whatever reason they're not living with their parents.... I believe puberty is when the child is old enough to become cognizant of their reality from a different perspective. The typical process of detaching from parents becomes uber intense, passionate and deep for them. They are desperate to fit in and to find out who they are. You might find benefit from reading Reviving Ophelia: Saving the lives of adolescent girls by Mary Pipher. It's very informative and will help you to see the pressures they face today. From observing my granddaughter's process, I believe she needed to connect with the various players and come to her own terms about all of it. As time went by she mellowed out and began identifying herself with her Mother's side of the family, and managed to work it out in some fashion with her Dad's family too. The lines of communication were always open for her to discuss how she felt, we were very open and honest. It seems to me they have a different path to take to find their way thru puberty and into adulthood. She may not be able to put it into words just yet...so she acts out....the anger finds a way to come out ......underneath, there may be sorrow.....but later, like my granddaughter, she may be able to share it with you. My granddaughter actually told me when she returned to me for 10th grade, that she had had an epiphany, that she really put us thru the "ringer" and she was sorry.....she figured out on her own that she was directing all of the anger she had for her Mother, at me. I would find a good therapist, for her and perhaps at some point, for all of you. Hang in there. You're not alone. Keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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