Conduct Disorders Annual Cheers, Jeers & Tears Mother's Day Thread

[SRL]

One of our annual traditions here at Conduct Disorders is to have a non-celebratory Mother's Day thread. If you are one of those Mother's Day fans whose kids make your day special with breakfast in bed, handmade cards, thoughtful gifts and/or a peaceful day of pampering, you just skedaddle along and make your own happy thread. This thread is for moms who aren't finding much to celebrate this year.

If you're a mom whose life is in chaos or has been severely changed because of a difficult child or teen, this thread is for you. If you're hurting, or you are disappointed because your parenting experience is nothing like the one you thought you signed up for, this thread is for you. Perhaps your child is in a hospital or residential treatment center, or living with the other parent. Maybe you are living with unbearable pain from depression...or accumulated daily experiences...or from a child who has done something unthinkable...or your child is missing...or in jail. This thread is for you. Maybe you're just stepping into this world of difficult children and you're scared and feeling alone.

Maybe you're waiting for a phone call or a card in the mail this weekend, and it never comes.

Whatever it is that is making your Mother's Day less than what you hoped for, this thread is for you. (And I mean it about you Kodak moment happy moms, don't even THINK about posting about that breakfast in bed here!)

I am predicting that my Mother's Day will begin with a 4am wakeup call. This will most certainly not be from beaming children armed with a freshly cooked hot breakfast. This will be from my cat, who will want his breakfast and be let outside. If he's feeling really generous, he might drag up a freshly killed dirty sock from the laundry room to present to me. We'll go to church and somewhere along the way I'm usually given a card or two and maybe a gift. Someone will ask "What would you like to do today, Mom?" The family will gather together for a meal and more cards and gifts will be exchanged and we'll come home.

I know it sounds idyllic, but don't reach for your hankies just yet because mixed in there is sure to be a stack of dirty dishes no one else notices, bickering teens, loud electric guitar music from the basement, resentment on my part because I married into a family whose idea of a great Mother's Day celebration centers on having the moms do the cooking and I won't have any say in what I get to do today. (Honestly, whose stupid idea is it for the moms to cook and clean up on Mother's Day??!! If you're thinking about getting married, seriously check on this first because it should be a deal breaker.) And I'll be sure to get dished up a heaping dose of scowls and ignoring from a certain person whose initials begin with g. Most of the time I do a good job of detaching, but lately it really, really hurts. Oh, and if we're gone long enough, my cat will miss me up and litter my living room with more freshly killed socks.

I realize this is nothing compared to what some of you are living through. You're not alone. We're here and we're listening.


P.S. And I really, really mean it about you moms who are contemplating about bragging about your kids who took you to lunch and bought you $6 Hallmark cards! Move along...)

 

[muttmeister]

Mothers Day has always been one of my least favorite days of the year. I would skip it entirely (if I didn't mention it I'm sure it would never enter my kids' minds) except that my 97 year old mother is still around to celebrate.

Now that my kids are adults it should be better and I guess it is but I still have problems with it. Older difficult child is doing OK but he informs me that in his house now live his wife, her two kids, his girlfriend and her two kids (it was wife's idea) and two dogs. I asked him if he was coming for Mothers Day; he said only if I buy him gas (he lives about 100 miles from here). I suppose I will because of Grandma.

Other difficult child and wife are working on the foundation of their house, trying to get moved back in so they won't have to pay rent where they are. They continue to need money daily. I don't often help but I did give him my credit card to help buy stuff to get the house in shape. It has a $3000 limit; I had worked all last year to get it paid off and hadn't used it. He is supposed to pay whatever he charges but he charged up to the limit on **** and still doesn't have the house done. So if he doesn't pay, I'll have to. difficult child and wife both took the week off to work on the house and they have friends coming so they "don't know if they can make it" for Mothers Day or not, even though they'll just be around the corner. difficult child 2 says he really doesn't want to see difficult child 1 so maybe he'll just not come. I've reminded him that this may be Grandma's last Mothers Day but he says I've said that for the last 10 years, so what?

A perfect day for me would be to lock the doors and sit and read a book with the dogs and maybe grill myself a steak and splurge on a hot fudge sundae. Not much chance of that, I guess. I'll make a meal that some of us will eat and clean up and nobody will notice and I certainly won't get a card or even a thank you.

If you are reading this and you don't have kids yet, don't.

 

[tiredmommy]

My expectations are pretty low this year as, apparently, there will be no celebrations while mother in law is dying. husband ruined my birthday by taking a heaping load of stress out on me (his mother's birthday is two days later), Easter was torture (last "big" holiday for mother in law) and I'm sure Sunday will be no different. The good news is that Duckie has to acolyte at church and I have the pleasure of carting her and bff to a mandatory dance class, so at least it won't be an all day event revolving around the impending death of mother in law.

 

[hearts and roses]

When the girls were young, I was always a little apprehensive about Mother's Day. My mom lived in AZ, very far from me so a card and flowers did it for her. Other than that, it was exh's mom who was around and she expected everyone to attend to her. I did it for a couple of years and then said "Okay, it's my day too" and sent exh off with the girls in the morning to visit his mom while I remained home planting flowers - my favorite mother's day pasttime.

After I left exh, mother's day became mine, however, it was a day full of chores and tears because difficult child was such a pita. Later on, as easy child progressed into early adolescence, she began to make it special for me and eventually, difficult child followed suit (somewhat). A low point was when they were both so HORRIBLE I got my neice to babysit them while H took me for a nice drive through the mountains. When we returned home, easy child had made me homemade Milano cookies and it was a very nice afternoon. difficult child was still difficult child.

A few years later, difficult child drew me a beautiful sketch of a baby picture of herself that I really loved and easy child made me brunch. And so, a tradition was born - easy child usually makes me brunch, difficult child and E come over and we have a very nice time together. Then, if H is into it, he and I we will drive up to this tiny farm I love and buy some things for me to plant. BBQ for dinner, with or without difficult child and E.

I expect nothing (except delicious crepes with strawberries and whipped cream) and am usually pleasantly surprised somehow. It's a nice change from weekend long meltdowns, "I hate you's" and a lazy h, lol. This year is bittersweet as easy child will make the usual brunch, but then she leaves for Africa on Tuesday.

Make the day the way you want it to be if you can - it'll turn out better that way!

 

[cubsgirl]

I have low/no expectations for Mother's Day. My own mother hasn't spoken to me in 18 years. My easy child/difficult child is 18 and being a terrible PITA telling me all the time what an awful mother I am. husband is taking mother in law out to dinner.....I'll go along but he picked an absolutely awful restaurant and there isn't a thing on their menu that I will eat.

Thanks for letting me whine. Mother's Day is so hard.

 

[hearts and roses]

Thanks for letting me whine.

Oh yeah, I do have a whine for this year! H mentioned something about sending flowers to his mom for mother's day since he forgot to do it on her birthday last month. So, knowing he would run out of time and forget again, I did it. I sent her a nice vase full of multi colored tulips. It cost $60. I asked him to give me $50 and he won't. And I can bet that he won't buy me anything for mother's day...technically, I am not the mother of HIS children and they are older and do their own things for me, but still, it would be nice if got me flowers since he won't give me back the money I spent on his mother who can barely stand to look at me, don't you think?? Either I'm too nice or a glutton for punishment, LOL. Actually, I don't even care about the money - I just felt bad that this is her first mother's day with father in law and I thought it was important to acknowledge it somehow.

 

[witzend]

Children? What children?

 

[recoveringenabler]

Witzends comments (funny too) made me think of a comedy routine I heard years ago by Stiller and Meara where a couple who are divorced run into each other at a bar after not seeing each other for 10 years.
The ex husband says to the ex wife, "how are the kids?"
And the ex wife replies, "I thought they were with you!"

 

[donna723]

It's never been one of my favorite holidays either! In fact, when the kids were younger and I was still married, there were a few years when Mother's Day wasn't even mentioned! Of course, the kids took their lead from their dad and he had told them that I really didn't care about Mother's Day! For the record, I DID! I did and he knew it! I cared very much and it hurt terribly! And I told him that the next day when everyone at work was talking about what they got for Mother's Day, when they asked me, my answer would be "NOT A DAMN THING!"

So now, many years later ... I'll probably get a phone call from my daughter on Sunday and we'll wish each other a Happy Mother's day. And my son has been pretty good about it but we'll do tomorrow instead of Sunday. He's spending the night tonight so he will be here bright and early tomorrow morning when the Yankees invade our little town, killing our Confederate troops, taking the rest prisoner, and burning the county courthouse, all a half block from my house! They have this Civil War reenactment here every year and it keeps getting bigger andmore elaborate every year! My son has never seen it. Back in 1863 the Yankees came down the Tennessee River on boats, marched through the night to our town, attacked at dawn, then burned the courthouse that was used as a Confederate recruiting place! It was the first instance during the Civil War where troops were brought in by boat and it's very different from most reenactments in that this one takes place right in the middle of town instead out out in a battlefield somewhere. Last year there were skirmishes going on up and down my street as they advanced, Yankee troops hiding behind my house, and horses everywhere! And I always get a good giggle out of it! Most of the reenactors park in the city lot next to my house. And it's so darned funny to see these guys in their very authentic Civil War uniforms getting out of their SUV's, talking on their cell phones!

And if I am very lucky, for Mother's Day, my son just might pay me back some of the money he owes me! But I'm not counting on it ...

 

[susiestar]

Wiz tends to ignore MD. I know there is a lot of anger buried in him, and I pray that one day we can work through it and move on, but breath-holding won't happen. Usually one of the other kids puts his name on the gift. Heck, I don't even care what DAY it is celebrated, or if there is a big celebrtion. Just a phone call where you want to TALK is what I want. Not just "Hi. Happy MOm's Day. Gotta bog."

Captain Morgan talks more on the phone that that!

I am very sorry for all of the hurts you feel or will feel due to this holidayl

 

[donna723]

You know what I've always wanted? My son always asks what I want for birthdays or Mothers Day. And I always tell him that what I'd really like is for him just to spend the day with me and maybe help me with a few things that I haven't been able to do for myself! For over a year now my massive old TV has been sitting in my dining room, right where the DirecTV guy put it when he hooked up the new flat screen. It's too heavy for me to lift (I've tried!) and I have to go around it all the time! It would be soooo nice to have it gone! And that highest corner of the living room behind the TV, that corner that's still the ugly, dirty beige instead of the beautiful Arctic Blue that I painted the rest of the room because I couldn't reach it, even on the ladder ... wouldn't take five minutes to paint it! And that old curtain rod that doesn't match the pretty new ones on the other windows because I couldn't reach that either? Ol' "Mr. Long Arms" could do that easily - he's 6'5"! Maybe someday ...

 

[DammitJanet]

Well other than my lovely flowers, I dont have much hope that I will get much more than a card that has been forced from Cory, probably another card from Billy and maybe Jamie will remember to call me or text me. Maybe. I will probably stay in my room all day Sunday because Buck will be here in the afternoon to wash his clothes even though I forbid it. I doubt Tony will listen to me even on Mothers day.

 

[witzend]

I really want a hand mixer. My arms are too weak to mash potatoes anymore, I can't whip cream, either. I dropped a hint to husband - as in "I would really like to have a hand mixer." Then I had to explain exactly what a hand mixer is. He knows what I mean now, but I won't get it. Just as I won't get the flowers that I point blank told him that I deserved to receive after having sold, packed up, and moved our home from Oregon to NC.

I know, I know... I'm not his mother. For such a nice man, you'd think he'd have a clue, though.

 

[Star*]

Witz do you mean like a stick blender?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Witz do you mean like a stick blender?

I hope not... because stick-blenders don't whip cream, for starters. (they DO a mean job of getting lumps out of gravy, though)

 

[Star*]

You say stick.......I say hand.....lol.

http://www.hayneedle.com/sale/hamil...sku=PSA095-1&gclid=CLGzpvv2-a8CFZFR7AodmiRXUw

I just picked up a MOULINEX TURBO for DF and he likes his HAMILTON BEACH - THIS THING IS nice - it's 2nd hand but it's like new. It unscrews and I think you can get attachments for it - I can't find a picture of the MOULINEX TURBO - but is this what you're talking about?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Ya. We're talking about the same thing.
It's a BLENDER not a BEATER.
They do not WHIP. No egg whites, no whipped cream.
They DO make a lovely omelette, or a milkshake, or pancake batter... lots of things.

But if she wants whipped cream, this doesn't do it.
For that... just get yourself a Kitchenaide.

 

[welcometowitsend]

I'm going to do my best to enjoy this Mother's Day. husband and I are taking his parents and my parents out for dinner to celebrate our mothers.

I know easy child will do something sweet for me and husband will try too. I imagine he will probably try to do better than usual because of the turmoil that difficult child has been causing.

I doubt very much if I will hear from difficult child. Right now he thinks I'm the worst mother ever. And we did not tell him we were going out for dinner - I don't want his drama and I don't want to be hurt by his rejection.

So I guess it'll be bittersweet. Gonna keep my chin up and make the best of it.

 

[Suz]

Older difficult child is doing OK but he informs me that in his house now live his wife, her two kids, his girlfriend and her two kids

Mutt, did I read this correctly? Older difficult child has a wife AND a girlfriend and everyone is living together? How'd he manage to do that? :wildone:


Suz

 

[AnnieO]

I've set it up so my Mom, Dad and mother in law can come over & we will grill hamburgers and hot dogs on the deck. I've made the hamburger patties, bought corn on the cob and will prepare it to be grilled... I'll make the potato salad... I'll clean the kitchen. Why? because I want it to be nice for MY MOM. She deserves it. mother in law is nuts, but she DID give the world my husband. Who I adore even if he WON'T remember MD.

I got the cards and had everyone sign them. I might get one from mother in law and my own Mom and Dad, but it will be a super shock if I get one from husband and the kids. husband randomly remembers MD - in 2006 I got a locket with the kids' pics inside, in 2010 I got a heating pad (3 days late, but hey). When Jett was in grade school, I always got something - though he expected me to share with bio. THAT, I rather resented. In 5th grade he did 2 things, one for me, one for her - and the one for her "mysteriously" vanished (Onyxx hadn't done anything for bio, and that was that - she was "the favorite" and meant to stay such.) Onyxx acknowledged me for MD once, when she was refusing to speak to bio (so... 2010 probably). Now I know I'm not their mother and never will be, but how about "you know, for a stepmother you're not so bad"?

You'd think husband would do something this year... But he doesn't think he can afford it. I suggested a handmade card and some time spent with me, maybe some chores. I cleaned (CLEANED) the laundry room yesterday - put away all his tools from him trying to make new ductwork, scrubbed the dried glycerin-and-mud flakes from the utility sink, swept, scrubbed the washer and dryer... Fixed the drop ceiling tiles because they all got moved around a year and a half ago when they installed the fridge's water line, and they were covering the lights. It's now bright and clean in there. Hardly perfect, but I am not afraid to walk in there barefoot now.

I'm going to do my DARNDEST to teach Bean otherwise. I always make a HUGE deal out of Fathers' Day because he's had some pretty rotten ones thanks to history. But darn it, what about me? I bust my 4$$ for 2 kids that technically aren't even MINE! (And I do it cause I love them... SIGH...)

on the other hand, I do enjoy having the fam over for dinner. Now if mother in law will just keep her negative comments to herself...