Contact with Bio Dad

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Apr 1, 2013.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    How the hell do I handle this? Bio Dad walked out before she was born and hasn't been heard from since.

    I guess my real question is how do I walk this line? If I give him too much information difficult child will hate me for it? If I don't tell him what is going on he will get crazy information from difficult child? He deserves to know what her life has been like considering he is her father and I will not lie to him about it. On the other hand I want them to form their relationship without any bias from me or outside drama from anyone else.

    The upside is he has been very considerate and very compassionate about the situation. I have let him know he needs to let her do this in her own time. I also let him know I told her to be respectful of his wife and child and not do anything to damage that relationship. He isnt pushing for anything but he is open to getting to know her. I am not angry with him for leaving years ago. It was difficult to raise a child alone but it was probably for the best that we seperated and got our **** together. But difficult child may be deeply angry and I don't know how to prepare either of them for what happens. Yes I know that isn't my job to prepare them but I don't want difficult child hurt by him and honestly I don't want him hurt by her because it could ruin all future interactions.

    Dear God I feel like this could fall apart at anytime and my stomach is in knots. My mother was apparently very angry when she contacted bio dad on the phone so bio dad doesn't want to deal with her. I understand that but I know that she will be the one advising difficult child and speaking about him to difficult child. My father, I have no idea how he feels about it other than he probably doesn't have the best opinion of bio dad since he left me alone to raise a baby. My husband seems ok with the situation but I don't want him to feel like me being in contact with bio dad will affect our relationship at all. I don't want him jealous or worried. difficult child doesn't know what she wants and if she does she wont communicate it to me. Bio Dad isn't sure what he wants or if he can give what she needs but he is open to communciation.

    OK ----deep breaths-----I absolutely hate when everything is up in the air and I can't control it!
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending understanding hugs your way. I think many of us who have raised difficult children are overly protective and eager to control any possible traumatic situtation. Frankly it gets more difficult with each passing year and, at least for me, alot more stressful.

    Although I have not be in your shoes my grandson (who went from easy child child to easy child/difficult child teen to difficult child and back to easy child/difficult child) met his bioDad when he was ten or eleven. His Mother arranged the meeting with-o consulting me even tho he lived full time with husband and me. I almost tossed my cookies as soon as I heard because I knew I couldn't observe the meeting, hear what was said etc. etc. In our case there was a two year honeymoon period and just as I had begun to relax and go with the flow...his bioDad, stepMom and half brother literally packed up and moved out of town with no word. Sigh!

    I have no sage advice but wanted you to know that someone understands how you are feeling. Fingers crossed that this meeting results in a positive outcome. Hugs DDD
  3. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I don't have much advise, just lots of sympathy. We have complicated situation with this topic and I'm literally terrified the day difficult child may want to really open that can of worms.

    Maybe in your situation it would be wise to acknowledge feelings surrounding the situation matter of factly. Your parents are angry. Your difficult child has a right to be angry. However biodad may not have been capable for more in that time. And nothing can be done to that now. And things didn't turn out that badly after all so now it is better to look into future.

    Maybe you should advice your daughter not to have too high expectations. She can seize the opportunity to get to know her biodad, but it will likely never be the same than if he would had been part of her life her whole life. Neither will it be same to her biodad then his other children. But they can be friends.

    I think that open and honest communication is the best chance in these kind of tricky situations.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Whew, that is a complex situation. I am sorry you are in the middle of it. And, yes, I don't think you can control any of it. Perhaps you could recommend that everyone sits down with an impartial person, likely a therapist, to wade through all the feelings and angers, resentments, etc. If no one agrees to that, if I were in your shoes, I think I would go to a therapist to sort through my own feelings and see if together we could come up with options that would work considering everyone is going to have different feelings and different ideas on how this should go. I don't think you should take this one on, this involves a lot of people who all have diverse emotions. I think it would be wise to seek help for you to understand exactly what your role is, if any at this point since she is living with your parents. I empathize with you, this is a tough one, but it may be another form of detachment for you. (((HUGS))))
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Wait, wait... hold the phone... did I read this correctly? He walked out what, 18 years ago, and you're worried that she's going to hurt him? Ummm... my knee-jerk reaction is that you have no reason to hold any loyalty to him, he's a big boy and maybe he's grown up since then. Maybe not, but if not, he's not your worry or yours to protect.

    I do agree a therapist should see them through this. My daughter's father doesn't bother with her, either - hasn't since she was very little.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Wow. Your plate is certainly full...........overfull.

    You're being considerate of biodad, but HaoZi has a point, he's a grown up and most likely somewhere in the back of his mind has thought a time or two that his child might look him up one day.

    You're going to have to take deep breaths and realize this is not a situation you can control, you most likely can't even referee it..... It will be what it will be. If difficult child has issues or whatever and wants to confront biodad.......then biodad can deal or not. Not your problem. You're not the one who left, do not take responsibility for it or try to put a silver lining on it. While it's good you harbor no ill feelings toward biodad, the man has got to face the consequences of his own choices. His feelings would be the least of my worries.

    I understand you want this to be a positive experience, if possible, especially for difficult child. But again, it will be what it will be. There are too many fingers in this pie already.

    I do, however, think getting a therapist to help them wade through these waters is a very good idea.

  7. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Oh I dont feel sorry for him I just don't want her to do something stupid and lose him forever. She would never forgive herself if she did. Considering she is a difficult child and thinks nothing she does has consequences I can easily see her saying or doing something that would cause him to shut down and protect himself and his new family.

    I have a cousin and aunt who went through this years ago and the Aunt made a call that she shouldn't have. That phone call caused Biodad and his family to walk away and want no contact. Now the cousin has to live with it because her mother made a nasty phone call and no one can convince the family to open back up.

    I dont want that to happen. That of course is the hardest part for me because I feel like I have to walk an imaginary tightrope so that I dont inadvertantly damage the relationship. I talked to husband about it last night and told him I want to limit my contact with Biodad because they need to work this out without me being overly involved. It is their issue to work out not mine.

    Thankfully I have an active therapist. Part of the agreement with the grands was that difficult child would attend therapy while living with them. As of last weekend she stated she didn't want it or need it and didn't have the time so she has not gone. I am not happy about that but I just suggested it might be good to have someone to talk through this with. She blew it off as usual.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Any way you can hint to biodad that the situation is a bit delicate, and maybe HE needs to push for the involvement of an impartial third party?
  9. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I have warned him the situation will be tricky and that the more involvment I have in it the less chance there is of it going well. I warned him to let her ask the questions and lead the interactions because if he brings me into it she will balk at it. Maybe I can get him to agree to a third party but considering he is several states away it could be difficult.