Recovering's comments were right on, Lucy. It is frightening to think about changing our behaviors. Once we see a better way, it is hard to go back.
But our difficult child's are still firmly embedded in the old ways of thinking. Everything about that old way of thinking worked to keep them where they are ~ dominant. Though a suggestion may seem harmless enough to us, the difficult child may feel targeted, trapped, and attacked.
As you are making some changes Lucy, I agree with Recovering that you will feel better if you prepare for the parts of this visit that may not go well. For instance, are you willing to call the police if your difficult child becomes violent during his visit? Thinking about this possibility will change how you think about yourself, Lucy. You will begin to see how frightened some hidden part of yourself has been. As you make decisions to protect and cherish yourself, the relationship with your difficult child will change further. Your difficult child is not going to be happy about that.
My difficult child son hates this site.
Are you willing to send difficult child home with anything from the kitchen? I always do/did that. It seemed like a harmless enough way to love them. Maybe, if you don't want him raiding the kitchen, you could stock up on things he likes and make a special package for him ahead of time? Maybe, the sister can be part of putting that together. You could include a letter, maybe a book ~ whatever strikes you as valuable. When difficult child daughter was homeless, I learned they like things like wet wipes, moisturizer, toothbrush and paste (they are always losing those things). Socks, really important. They need to walk all the time, when they are homeless. A bottle for water. They cannot just go get water. Isn't that strange.... It would add a sort of joy to the anticipation of seeing him, instead of only dread about what could go wrong.
Maybe, nothing bad will happen.
You could tell difficult child you are setting new boundaries and don't want him going through the cupboards this time, but that you did get some special things for him to take with him when he goes. I know that is going to sound like being a weakling in the detachment department. But we have so little pleasure out of our difficult child kids. Buying food or toiletries especially for them, making and sending whatever it is they like to eat...that is such a pleasure to me, both as I am preparing it and later, when I think about the difficult child enjoying it.
Mom's home cooking is one of the few things they cannot sell for drugs.
Not my home cooking, anyway.
:O)
I like the suggestion of telling him how glad I am that he is coming.
I really hope that this doesn't happen as I think it
would create such a chasm between us that I'm notsure how we would build another bridge across it inthe future.
Lucy, it's time for difficult child to share equal responsibility for protecting and cherishing his relationship to
you.
That is just my belief at this point. As you continue to heal from the trauma of raising a difficult child, as you come back to yourself, you will believe it, too.
That is what happened, to me.
I am still getting free of those chains. And the funny part is? When I was most firmly chained, I could not see the chains, at all.
It has less to do with the difficult child than it does with reclaiming our self respect. As you begin to heal, your process will come to have nothing at all to do with your difficult child. Getting healthier feels so good that you will begin to pursue rebalancing yourself for the simple joy of it.
***********
I am glad you met the friend for lunch, Lucy. The only real counter we have to the one-sided lurch that is loving a difficult child child is the normal, every day life where people are happy to see us, believing we are competent or attractive or witty or just plain worth it for no particular reason at all.
Loving a difficult child child changes who we think we are. It is really difficult not to slip into depression. Changing the rules of the game feels like a betrayal of the difficult child to us. Worse yet, the difficult child senses betrayal on the wind and escalates manipulative behaviors.
But you are here with us, now.
:O)
Cedar
