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Substance Abuse
Copa, a continuation on spiraling out of control
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 759807" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you very much for your post Deni. A lot of hard-gained wisdom therein. Thank you also Ms. KT, RN and Ms. Lulu. This is really arms around the world!</p><p></p><p>Last week I spoke with the director of a drug treatment program who told me that her daughter had been a heroin addict, homeless and a prostitute. She said that because she knew that anything she said, any pushing, advocating or insisting on her part would only empower the addiction, she completely detached right away.</p><p></p><p>She told me that "the addiction is in charge" and it will only gain power if we push. The power of resistance.</p><p></p><p>Part of my despair is because I listen to friends. I have a friend who is a psychologist that spoke with my son several times. She became convinced that J was psychotic.</p><p></p><p>I allowed this to undercut any sense that I knew what was going on with my son. Even though I told her I did not agree, I did not have a leg to stand. In my voice, I channeled her voice of "sureness and confidence" that constantly undercut my own inside of me.</p><p></p><p>She told me that I was cruel to insist that he do (or not do) things, that he was unable to do. She said I was cruel to believe he has a choice. For 10 days I was completely lost to myself. Because if my son is so vulnerable and damaged because he is psychotic or schizophrenic, G-d forbid, how can I hold him responsible for anything?</p><p></p><p>And yet I must. Because nearly everybody is responsible to maintain boundaries and is responsible for the effects of what they do.</p><p></p><p>Last night I dreamt that he decided to enter a treatment program, which couldn't be further than the reality that we face. I woke up frightened. It's so hard to take in the reality of this. How belligerent and rejecting he is. The fact he looks like purely a homeless person. Dirty, bedraggled. . How completely without insight he is and how bad is his judgment. It's hard to feel hope in this place. However</p><p></p><p>Yet the hope is in me or I wouldn't have dreamt hope.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking of cutting off the phone I pay for. I don't know if it is symbolic or throwing in the towel, or a recognition of reality.</p><p></p><p>Thank you very much for writing and caring.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 759807, member: 18958"] Thank you very much for your post Deni. A lot of hard-gained wisdom therein. Thank you also Ms. KT, RN and Ms. Lulu. This is really arms around the world! Last week I spoke with the director of a drug treatment program who told me that her daughter had been a heroin addict, homeless and a prostitute. She said that because she knew that anything she said, any pushing, advocating or insisting on her part would only empower the addiction, she completely detached right away. She told me that "the addiction is in charge" and it will only gain power if we push. The power of resistance. Part of my despair is because I listen to friends. I have a friend who is a psychologist that spoke with my son several times. She became convinced that J was psychotic. I allowed this to undercut any sense that I knew what was going on with my son. Even though I told her I did not agree, I did not have a leg to stand. In my voice, I channeled her voice of "sureness and confidence" that constantly undercut my own inside of me. She told me that I was cruel to insist that he do (or not do) things, that he was unable to do. She said I was cruel to believe he has a choice. For 10 days I was completely lost to myself. Because if my son is so vulnerable and damaged because he is psychotic or schizophrenic, G-d forbid, how can I hold him responsible for anything? And yet I must. Because nearly everybody is responsible to maintain boundaries and is responsible for the effects of what they do. Last night I dreamt that he decided to enter a treatment program, which couldn't be further than the reality that we face. I woke up frightened. It's so hard to take in the reality of this. How belligerent and rejecting he is. The fact he looks like purely a homeless person. Dirty, bedraggled. . How completely without insight he is and how bad is his judgment. It's hard to feel hope in this place. However Yet the hope is in me or I wouldn't have dreamt hope. I am thinking of cutting off the phone I pay for. I don't know if it is symbolic or throwing in the towel, or a recognition of reality. Thank you very much for writing and caring. [/QUOTE]
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