Coping with addicted, homeless adult daughter

[Dad34]

The grief we feel as parents of addicted children seems so cruel because we see their destruction in slow motion over many years. And it’s hard to not get stuck in the past by constantly “reeling the tapes”, remembering who they were as kids. But although we pray and never give up hope for them, we must move on with our lives and try to find joy in each day. We have the power to make that choice, even though it’s hard. LetGo is right, allow yourself to grieve but also allow yourself to enjoy.

 

[Dad34]

Copa, I’m sorry you had to go through this today. I understand why you can’t let him stay with you though. I haven’t even been able to bear answering the phone the last two or three times my daughter has called (which is infrequent), for the same reason. I desperately need space after all her drama and crises, middle of the night phone calls. You are correct, you must take care of yourself now. I doubt if it is sundowner’s syndrome, it’s just a self survival instinct.

 

[LetGo]

My son came to my town yesterday. Despite a tortured history together the past 13 or so years he assumed he would stay with me, contrary to everything in our past experience. He sent a text from the train (paraphrased) that said, I'll be home, like good old times, me sitting and reading a book in the living room and you in your room at the computer.

This may be literally true. But even still it's a fantasy.

Well. i don't remember it like that. I remember hiding out in my room. I remember being sick to my stomach. Writhing in pain. Calling the cops to get him out. Raiding the fridge and leaving food and filth all over. And on and on.

I told him. You can't come here. I get sick. It will be the same old thing. You didn't even ask.

So, he hears it instrumentally. Saying, if I'd only asked. He misses the point, of being responsible for his choices, his conduct. Having to take into account the effects on another person, namely me.

I am pushed into a person I don't want to be, in order to save my own life. I can understand my son needing, wanting refuge, with the fantasy that everything will be comfortable and loving and blissful at home. But I can't give him that. Not at the expense of my own life. This is the situation we are all of us in. And it is a terrible one.

In the late afternoon I spoke to a friend from Chicago on the phone, I was so tired. I couldn't help falling asleep it must have been 530. And I woke up at 10 pm thinking it was morning. Now I am worried I have sundowner syndrome with Alzheimers. But it's just as likely or more that I am wiped out emotionally.

When we got home from taking me to the dentist this afternoon, apparently we didn't see my son in the street near the hospital. He called, to ask M if we were ignoring him. What a life. My son has something missing in his brain, that he is accountable for his own conduct, and that reciprocity exists. That we are not cardboard cutout figures. That to be a mother, or a son, both requires something but also costs something, and they are not ever-renewal resources, that exist no matter what. I am depleted. I just am. And I feel very sad.

Oh, Copa...I am so glad that you posted this. I am having a horrible day of "the guilts". I am so sorry that your son texted you, asking for "the good old times"...those good old times depleted us, left us scared and feeling trapped. I wish it were different but it is what it is. Our children just do not get it...I have to remind myself that they can't get it. That is what makes them who they are and we who we are and the two don't mesh. I agree, we get pushed into being people we don't want to be, and usually are not, just out of the need for self protection. Having to do that doesn't feel good but it is necessary. I sincerely believe that you don't have Alzheimer's. I am sure that just wiped you out emotionally and sometimes the only reprieve is sleep. I know that this post is written mostly in "our, them and we"...because I am so in this with you, Copa. You and the other parents here. Biggest hugs, LetGo

 

[Copabanana]

Biggest hugs, LetGo

Thank you Letgo. Hugs to you, too.

 

[Kat9]

Hi Kat9, I identify with it, too. I grieve the "if only", and fear the future for my daughter. I realize that I truly did everything within my parental tool box and beyond with the help of professionals for her. She was on a relatively good path for who she was until she decided to leave the area and reunite with her birth mother. The "if only" was a pipe dream from long ago....given who she is, things never would have been easy with her. That is a sad but true statement for me to make. I only hoped that she could have found peace for herself. I feel sorry for her for the choices that she has made. I will see (or maybe I won't see) how her future goes. For now, I move on, am surrounded by those that I love and love me and enjoy my life. Allow yourself to grieve but also allow yourself to enjoy. Hugs, LetGo

 

[LetGo]

Thank you Letgo. Hugs to you, too.

Copa, how are you doing today> I've been thinking about you.

 

[Beta]

Copa
I read your post above, and my heart is so sad for you. You sound so weary. I just want to say how I wish you didn't have this in your life. I'm sorry. Your wording about "we are not cardboard cutout figures" really resonates with me. I have wondered if our son looks at us that way. I'm sorry that you had to feel the emotions that went along with having to refuse him entry to your home. I pray that God's comfort will be poured out into your heart and will strengthen you emotionally and physically right now and refresh you.

 

[Copabanana]

Thank you all: Dad, Beta, Letgo, Kat, everybody. I am better but still exhausted. I mean, this minute I am better. The last couple days I felt "decompensated." That is a horrible state of affairs psychologically where you can't get traction. Just splintered. Can't feel that your psyche holds together. Thank Goodness, it's not really that because that would mean I would probably be acting out, and I am not, I just want to sleep.

I am crushed having to turn my son away. You all know this, my son is the love of my life. And I know intellectually the why's, but the effects crush me. It's really not his fault. It's not my fault. But I don't need to tell you how cruel it is. I will spend the next few days doing kind things for myself, (I hope.) I want to thank you so much for being here for me, with me. How could we do this alone?

 

[ksm]

I'm so sorry Copa. Sometimes our hearts just hurt...

Ksm

 

[Beta]

The grief we feel as parents of addicted children seems so cruel because we see their destruction in slow motion over many years. And it’s hard to not get stuck in the past by constantly “reeling the tapes”, remembering who they were as kids. But although we pray and never give up hope for them, we must move on with our lives and try to find joy in each day. We have the power to make that choice, even though it’s hard. LetGo is right, allow yourself to grieve but also allow yourself to enjoy.

This is so true, about the "reeling the tapes" in our mind. I have days where I do it a lot and other days that I hardly do it at all.

 

[Beta]

I really believed the last two years since Josh's life completely fell apart that if something major happened, that even though he didn't normally contact us, he would definitely contact us if an emergency happened or something serious. It gave me a measure of comfort to believe that. So when he learned of his dad's illness two weeks ago, I thought he would at least message us. It has been a blow to find out that that is not true. It has left me kind of reeling emotionally. I think anger is the predominant emotion I experience in my grief right now.

 

[LetGo]

I really believed the last two years since Josh's life completely fell apart that if something major happened, that even though he didn't normally contact us, he would definitely contact us if an emergency happened or something serious. It gave me a measure of comfort to believe that. So when he learned of his dad's illness two weeks ago, I thought he would at least message us. It has been a blow to find out that that is not true. It has left me kind of reeling emotionally. I think anger is the predominant emotion I experience in my grief right now.

I'm sorry, Beta Your son might not have the emotional capacity right now to respond about his Dad's illness. We hope there is a line they'd cross to reach out in a positive way. It hurts when they don't. Hugs

 

[Fairy dust]

I am so sorry Copa, Beta…I have been out of the loop For the past few days. Sending hugs, strength and love that the light begins to shine in your lives again.

 

[Beta]

I'm sorry, Beta Your son might not have the emotional capacity right now to respond about his Dad's illness. We hope there is a line they'd cross to reach out in a positive way. It hurts when they don't. Hugs

Thank you for saying that. It sounds reasonable--that he might not have the emotional capacity to respond. I don't really understand it but maybe you're right.

 

[Copabanana]

he might not have the emotional capacity to respond

Hi Beta. My situation is not unlike yours. My son readily admits he's made no changes and yet he can't hear or seem to understand that being around him feels toxic to me and I cannot bear it. He needs me to accept him exactly as he chooses to be and exactly how he chooses to act. My love has to not only be unconditional. My love needs to have no conditions.

As long as we hold onto the idea (let alone expectation) that our adult children should respond as we believe they should we put ourselves on a torture rack.

Whether they can't, won't, will never, could, should, will--these wants or needs are ours alone and have absolutely no connection to their reality. We can judge them, be mad at them, disown them, or sacrifice ourselves to them (as I did for so long) and all of this comes out of our own hide. We lock ourselves in prisons of our own making.

Josh and my Joseph live as they can, as they will. We are only responsible for ourselves.

 

[LetGo]

Hi Beta. My situation is not unlike yours. My son readily admits he's made no changes and yet he can't hear or seem to understand that being around him feels toxic to me and I cannot bear it. He needs me to accept him exactly as he chooses to be and exactly how he chooses to act. My love has to not only be unconditional. My love needs to have no conditions.

As long as we hold onto the idea (let alone expectation) that our adult children should respond as we believe they should we put ourselves on a torture rack.

Whether they can't, won't, will never, could, should, will--these wants or needs are ours alone and have absolutely no connection to their reality. We can judge then, be mad at them, disown them, or sacrifice ourselves to them (as I did for so long) and all of this comes out of our own hide. We lock ourselves in prisons of our own making.

Josh and my Joseph live as they can, as they will. We are only responsible for ourselves.

Copa, "My love needs to have no conditions." This is what I needed to hear today. "These wants or needs are ours alone and have absolutely no connection to their reality." So true. Although I can love my two oldest children, I recognize there is no reciprocity. I think this has been the hardest thing to reconcile for me. You're right in that we lock ourselves in prisons of our own making. I am up and down in wrestling myself free of this prison. There is no answer, is there?

 

[Copabanana]

You're right in that we lock ourselves in prisons of our own making. I am up and down in wrestling myself free of this prison. There is no answer, is there?

Hi Letgo. I'm thinking about your question here, because clearly enough it pertains to me and my life, too.

I think life inscribes itself on us. As if we're an etching. I think all of everything that has ever happened to us is permanent, and never goes away. It recedes. We forget it. We look towards new experiences and others are deprioritized. But it's always there.. (I think that is one reason our dreams are as they are--like the wild west where everything flies around. It's like past experience has been shaken loose and re-forms itself.) Well, you didn't ask about our dreams. You asked about our shared nightmare.

I think most of the time those who have been here on this forum find a way to live with less and less pain, better boundaries. Which is to say we are able to find a life space where we can live, with our shared trauma on the periphery. But I think that we are always subject to remembering, weakening, confusion, vulnerability.

Another way to put is as we are able to live outside of the prison, and not be tortured. I think that's true for me and for you and for many of us. But we're always subject to triggers, to equilibrium shifts of one sort of another. The kind of thing that Beta is going through now, and to a lesser extent, me.

So I wouldn't put it we live in the prison, but we are subject to return. We are our own jailers.

What changes for us is awareness we have choice. Once aware that we are our own jailers, we can release ourselves. We open the cell and walk out. So, I guess I think that the prison is on a Hill. Within view. We can always see it. Whether or not we return has a great deal to do with self-awareness. With time, even when we return our sentences become shorter and shorter. And we know we have the keys (or tools) to let ourselves be free. That is the great gift of this forum where we can grow our self-awareness and by seeing ourselves through others' lives, come to accept that we don't deserve punishment and chaos, but that we deserve forgiveness and mercy. That is what I think. Love, Copa

 

[LetGo]

Copa, This really helps. I have been sad the past couple of days but am working on moving past it. We are a blend of our life experiences. I sure have been lucky to have my fair share of challenging and wonderful experiences. But, you're right, the prison is on a Hill and we can see it. I have, intellectually, chosen not to return because I know the outcome. And I deserve better. I need to emotionally accept that to not return is an okay choice. I really am aware of the outcome because I have lived many years of it without much change. I feel somewhat of a failure as a mother but on the other hand, I really did do as much as I possibly could without destroying myself and my other kids. We all deserve better. Best for me to keep it all on the periphery as much as possible. Thank you, my friend.

 

[Beta]

Copa and Let Go--I just saw these posts you both wrote, and I want to respond to them but can't at the moment. I wanted to at least let you know that I saw them and will respond tomorrow when I have more time.

 

[Beta]

As long as we hold onto the idea (let alone expectation) that our adult children should respond as we believe they should we put ourselves on a torture rack.

This is so true. I have expectations of Josh that he won't or can't meet and it causes a lot of anger and disappointment.

Once aware that we are our own jailers, we can release ourselves. We open the cell and walk out.

I cam across a quote the other on Facebook that really made me pause. I shared it on my post because it hit me between the eyes and I knew I wanted to remember it. "Sometimes we don't want to heal because it's the last link to what we lost." There's definitely truth in that for me. I don't want to be held hostage in my emotions but I think it has something to do with losing Josh.