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<blockquote data-quote="Stress Bunny" data-source="post: 623770" data-attributes="member: 4855"><p>I am SO fortunate and thankful for the saving support here. I am humbled by the responses and thoughtfulness of each. I can't tell you what it means to me. As I said, we don't have a big support network right now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is so true, busywend. They think they understand, but they really have no concept. It is irritating that they think they do. Yet, I don't want to have ruined relationships with my family over difficult child. He has certainly caused enough hurt already.</p><p></p><p>Albatross, I did e-mail my mom to request that she please not share what other people (such as sister) are saying about JT behind my back and that we have no desire to know what JT is posting on Facebook.</p><p></p><p>My mom e-mailed me after our conversation to say that my sister had actually been first contacted by a cousin of mine, who, like my sister, is one of JT's Facebook friends. This cousin, who works at the same company as JT, asked my sister to contact JT to let him know that the company frowns on the sort of post JT made on Facebook about his prior supervisor. Good grief! I suspect the reason my cousin contacted my sister is because the cousin knew my sister also saw the post, because they are both friends of JT's in Facebook. I'm not sure exactly how notifications of others' postings work in Facebook because I don't use Facebook personally.</p><p></p><p>So then, my sister tells my parents about the Facebook post, and they would not have otherwise known. And then, my dad contacted JT to tell him the post was stupid. And then, my mother tells me in our conversation about the whole thing! Ugh!</p><p></p><p>My mom assured me in her e-mail that my sister does not approve of JT's behavior and is on our side. In her efforts as peacemaker, my mom leaves me feeling unsupported, as though my feelings are not valid. I'm sure my sister's motives always appear to be out of concern, but I have to wonder. In what way is sharing JT's poorly guided Facebook post with my parents, who otherwise wouldn't have known, helping anything? It hasn't helped anything. In fact, it upset me quite a lot, and ruined a good chunk of my weekend so far.</p><p></p><p>If I speak up to my sister about this, she will get all indignant and offended. That is her MO. She paints me as oversensitive; again invalidating my feelings. </p><p></p><p>So, if there is something unhealthy here, it is exactly that. Instead of understanding and empathy, I get judged for being too sensitive. What's the point? It seems I would be better off making JT an off-limits topic with all of them, for my own mental health. </p><p></p><p>When husband found out, his initial instinct was to text my sister and cousin that if they have any concerns about JT, that they should contact him directly, since he is an adult, rather than discuss it amongst everyone else. He didn't, though.</p><p></p><p>COM, I vividly identify with this statement of yours:</p><p></p><p></p><p>My hubby went to the al-anon meeting this morning, and he found it helpful, although, he said he wishes the group could offer advice. They don't advise anyone. It's one of their rules. He plans to keep going for the time being.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Lucy, I haven't contacted my sister about this. I don't know what to do. If I say something, she will get all offended, as I mentioned. And if I don't, I wonder if I should have said something.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Scent of Cedar, when I look at it objectively, as in reading your statement, it does seem so wrong. I am deeply hurt, especially when you combine the fact that she hasn't bothered to contact me and check in. I don't feel like reaching out to her because it seems to sap all of my energy, as though I am begging for someone to listen and support me. It makes me feel needy, in the way for which she already looks down upon me.</p><p></p><p>If I were to say anything to her, she would act as though she is totally concerned about JT and totally on the same page as husband and me. But, as I mentioned, that she shared negative JT info with my parents, which in turn caused my parents to contact JT and then later tell me is not helpful. My sister lacks depth and empathy. She is quite superficial, and in that sense, she and I are like night and day. We are very different in how we relate to others. I am a very compassionate person, and it is difficult for me to relate to her lack of concern.</p><p></p><p>I have experienced a lot of loss in my life. I am no stranger to hard times. Maybe that has made me more caring and less judgmental of others.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if my sister (or cousin, for that matter) had to creep JT's Facebook or if what he posts automatically shows up to her there.</p><p></p><p>After reading your post, COC, I think I will severely limit who I speak to about JT going forward. I probably need to have some rules for myself and boundaries for others in that department. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Seeking Strength, you probably got it right there. She is a competitive person with me, and I regularly sense this competitiveness, though I wish things weren't that way. Also, because she is self concerned first and foremost, her ability to empathize with others is limited. That could certainly contribute to ignorance.</p><p></p><p>You experienced this same selfishness in that your family members were more concerned about the cousin than your child; letting you know that your child was the bad influence on their child, etc. Give me a break! I know you understand all of this. </p><p></p><p>I am glad for this board, because without it, I would be lost right now. I feel so much better after reading the posts. So much so, that I read them over and over. It strengthens me. I know all of you understand in ways that my family does not. </p><p></p><p>Thank you all for your dear thoughts and encouragement. You are a huge blessing to me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stress Bunny, post: 623770, member: 4855"] I am SO fortunate and thankful for the saving support here. I am humbled by the responses and thoughtfulness of each. I can't tell you what it means to me. As I said, we don't have a big support network right now. This is so true, busywend. They think they understand, but they really have no concept. It is irritating that they think they do. Yet, I don't want to have ruined relationships with my family over difficult child. He has certainly caused enough hurt already. Albatross, I did e-mail my mom to request that she please not share what other people (such as sister) are saying about JT behind my back and that we have no desire to know what JT is posting on Facebook. My mom e-mailed me after our conversation to say that my sister had actually been first contacted by a cousin of mine, who, like my sister, is one of JT's Facebook friends. This cousin, who works at the same company as JT, asked my sister to contact JT to let him know that the company frowns on the sort of post JT made on Facebook about his prior supervisor. Good grief! I suspect the reason my cousin contacted my sister is because the cousin knew my sister also saw the post, because they are both friends of JT's in Facebook. I'm not sure exactly how notifications of others' postings work in Facebook because I don't use Facebook personally. So then, my sister tells my parents about the Facebook post, and they would not have otherwise known. And then, my dad contacted JT to tell him the post was stupid. And then, my mother tells me in our conversation about the whole thing! Ugh! My mom assured me in her e-mail that my sister does not approve of JT's behavior and is on our side. In her efforts as peacemaker, my mom leaves me feeling unsupported, as though my feelings are not valid. I'm sure my sister's motives always appear to be out of concern, but I have to wonder. In what way is sharing JT's poorly guided Facebook post with my parents, who otherwise wouldn't have known, helping anything? It hasn't helped anything. In fact, it upset me quite a lot, and ruined a good chunk of my weekend so far. If I speak up to my sister about this, she will get all indignant and offended. That is her MO. She paints me as oversensitive; again invalidating my feelings. So, if there is something unhealthy here, it is exactly that. Instead of understanding and empathy, I get judged for being too sensitive. What's the point? It seems I would be better off making JT an off-limits topic with all of them, for my own mental health. When husband found out, his initial instinct was to text my sister and cousin that if they have any concerns about JT, that they should contact him directly, since he is an adult, rather than discuss it amongst everyone else. He didn't, though. COM, I vividly identify with this statement of yours: My hubby went to the al-anon meeting this morning, and he found it helpful, although, he said he wishes the group could offer advice. They don't advise anyone. It's one of their rules. He plans to keep going for the time being. Lucy, I haven't contacted my sister about this. I don't know what to do. If I say something, she will get all offended, as I mentioned. And if I don't, I wonder if I should have said something. Scent of Cedar, when I look at it objectively, as in reading your statement, it does seem so wrong. I am deeply hurt, especially when you combine the fact that she hasn't bothered to contact me and check in. I don't feel like reaching out to her because it seems to sap all of my energy, as though I am begging for someone to listen and support me. It makes me feel needy, in the way for which she already looks down upon me. If I were to say anything to her, she would act as though she is totally concerned about JT and totally on the same page as husband and me. But, as I mentioned, that she shared negative JT info with my parents, which in turn caused my parents to contact JT and then later tell me is not helpful. My sister lacks depth and empathy. She is quite superficial, and in that sense, she and I are like night and day. We are very different in how we relate to others. I am a very compassionate person, and it is difficult for me to relate to her lack of concern. I have experienced a lot of loss in my life. I am no stranger to hard times. Maybe that has made me more caring and less judgmental of others. I don't know if my sister (or cousin, for that matter) had to creep JT's Facebook or if what he posts automatically shows up to her there. After reading your post, COC, I think I will severely limit who I speak to about JT going forward. I probably need to have some rules for myself and boundaries for others in that department. Seeking Strength, you probably got it right there. She is a competitive person with me, and I regularly sense this competitiveness, though I wish things weren't that way. Also, because she is self concerned first and foremost, her ability to empathize with others is limited. That could certainly contribute to ignorance. You experienced this same selfishness in that your family members were more concerned about the cousin than your child; letting you know that your child was the bad influence on their child, etc. Give me a break! I know you understand all of this. I am glad for this board, because without it, I would be lost right now. I feel so much better after reading the posts. So much so, that I read them over and over. It strengthens me. I know all of you understand in ways that my family does not. Thank you all for your dear thoughts and encouragement. You are a huge blessing to me. [/QUOTE]
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