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Coping with Gossip in the Family
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<blockquote data-quote="Stress Bunny" data-source="post: 623794" data-attributes="member: 4855"><p>MWM, I can appreciate the waxing and waning of your relationship with your sister. It gives me hope that we have something worth saving. I think our families are supportive overall, but of course, as so many mentioned, easy child parents just don't get it. And our boys are the only difficult children in the family. So it is hard. They joined our family through adoption, and that just makes these differences glare all the more. It is breaking my heart. Most days I either feel pretty numb or downright depressed. I'm struggling.</p><p></p><p>So this latest newsflash that JT may be doing something that could cause him to lose this great job he has, just adds to the ever accumulating series of negative events lately.</p><p></p><p>Nancy, I'm very sorry for the extremely thoughtless remark your sister made about your family's decision to adopt. What a terrible thing to say! Given that and the other things she went on to say and do, it seems like you are better off without her toxic influence in your life. </p><p></p><p>COM, I can tell that you have come to understand and accept the things you can't change about your family. I don't think I'm there yet. I'm stuck with wishing things were the way I think they should be.</p><p></p><p>husband read my e-mail response to my mom and thinks I overreacted. In a nutshell, I shared that I thought my sister and cousin should mind their own business; that they do not understand the issues involved since their children are neurotypical. Also, I stated that they are naive if they think we haven't already done and said every single thing they could think of to help OUR son, but we have learned that JT makes his own decisions, regardless. I also asked that my mom not tell me what others are saying about JT behind our backs or what he is posting on Facebook because I do not want to know. My husband believes this e-mail will just contribute to their perception that I am oversensitive, etc., etc.</p><p></p><p>So, I have decided it's time for some new rules for me:</p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">No more discussing JT with anyone except you all here on this board, a journal, and perhaps a counselor, or al-anon group. My family is not a place in which I can find validation for the effect the situation with JT is having on me.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">I will continue on with my family in other ways and move past this. No big expectations of them = no big letdown for me.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">I will accept that my family is talking about me and our kids when I am not present and that I cannot change or control that. The hardest part is the feelings of loss, judgment from others, and constant drama of what happened lately.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">In the same way, I will accept that they will have contact with JT as they see fit, and again, I cannot change or control that.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">I will hold my head up in spite of all of this. While I am the parent of an adult child with many issues and negative behaviors, I do not want to be defined by this.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">In reducing the emotional grip all of this is having on me, I will seek out ways to care for myself and enjoy my life going forward.</li> </ul><p>Thanks again everybody. This group is a real lifesaver. Truly. Hope you're all hanging in there this weekend.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stress Bunny, post: 623794, member: 4855"] MWM, I can appreciate the waxing and waning of your relationship with your sister. It gives me hope that we have something worth saving. I think our families are supportive overall, but of course, as so many mentioned, easy child parents just don't get it. And our boys are the only difficult children in the family. So it is hard. They joined our family through adoption, and that just makes these differences glare all the more. It is breaking my heart. Most days I either feel pretty numb or downright depressed. I'm struggling. So this latest newsflash that JT may be doing something that could cause him to lose this great job he has, just adds to the ever accumulating series of negative events lately. Nancy, I'm very sorry for the extremely thoughtless remark your sister made about your family's decision to adopt. What a terrible thing to say! Given that and the other things she went on to say and do, it seems like you are better off without her toxic influence in your life. COM, I can tell that you have come to understand and accept the things you can't change about your family. I don't think I'm there yet. I'm stuck with wishing things were the way I think they should be. husband read my e-mail response to my mom and thinks I overreacted. In a nutshell, I shared that I thought my sister and cousin should mind their own business; that they do not understand the issues involved since their children are neurotypical. Also, I stated that they are naive if they think we haven't already done and said every single thing they could think of to help OUR son, but we have learned that JT makes his own decisions, regardless. I also asked that my mom not tell me what others are saying about JT behind our backs or what he is posting on Facebook because I do not want to know. My husband believes this e-mail will just contribute to their perception that I am oversensitive, etc., etc. So, I have decided it's time for some new rules for me: [LIST] [*]No more discussing JT with anyone except you all here on this board, a journal, and perhaps a counselor, or al-anon group. My family is not a place in which I can find validation for the effect the situation with JT is having on me. [*]I will continue on with my family in other ways and move past this. No big expectations of them = no big letdown for me. [*]I will accept that my family is talking about me and our kids when I am not present and that I cannot change or control that. The hardest part is the feelings of loss, judgment from others, and constant drama of what happened lately. [*]In the same way, I will accept that they will have contact with JT as they see fit, and again, I cannot change or control that. [*]I will hold my head up in spite of all of this. While I am the parent of an adult child with many issues and negative behaviors, I do not want to be defined by this. [*]In reducing the emotional grip all of this is having on me, I will seek out ways to care for myself and enjoy my life going forward. [/LIST] Thanks again everybody. This group is a real lifesaver. Truly. Hope you're all hanging in there this weekend. [/QUOTE]
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