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Coping with Gossip in the Family
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 623800" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Who gives a rip if your family thinks your are oversensitive? It doesn't sound like your husband "gets" how badly your family can wound you...my sweet husband also didn't get it. Although he did not encourage me to keep ties with my family...he left those decisions up to me.</p><p></p><p>I think you have a perfect right to set boundaries. I am not sure it is useful to even discuss it after you sent your e-mail. I have found, at least in MY life, that the more I say, the more they talk. The less I say, the less they have to talk about. Anything I have tried to explain to my DNA connections has not worked. They are stubborn, pigheaded and they are not flexible or able to put themselves in other's shoes. So why keep talking and talking about it? I learned to detach from my family and keep the conversations to the surface, like the weather, their health, what movies I saw, etc. By the time I had kids, I must say I was used to no support from my family, yet I constinued to try to get it. Do you what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over again.</p><p>When I hit 40 or so, I got it. I'm glad I got it. I don't miss having an extended family that is close. I never really had one and I consider my husband and my kids to be my family...that's all. Sometimes my sister is almost like a real sister to me. Sometimes she turns around and hangs up on me. I value when we are on good terms, but am used to it not always being that way.</p><p></p><p>I would send them all one e-mail that would read something like "For my mental health, I am going to insist that nobody discuss JT with me in any way. If I want to discuss him, I will bring him up. Sadly, if you do talk about him, I will have to either gently hang up the phone or leave the house. I am doing this for myself, and hope you all understand. We can discuss any other topic, but not him. Thank you for your kindness in getting why I have to do this."</p><p></p><p>At any rate, I would cut off the constant gossip, at least to you. You can't control them, but you can control what you are willing to listen to.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you and hope you find your way to healing.</p><p></p><p>Nancy, sorry about your sister. But it is a prime example of why we somethings go no contact with our DNA connections, as I call them. People who can have healthy relationships with relatives don't understand this, but it happens more than we like to admit. It is so hard when the people who are SUPPOSED to love us the most, do not act like they love us at all. When we told my father we were adopting our first child, he said, "You expect me to love him?" He has mellowed out, but I never forgot it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 623800, member: 1550"] Who gives a rip if your family thinks your are oversensitive? It doesn't sound like your husband "gets" how badly your family can wound you...my sweet husband also didn't get it. Although he did not encourage me to keep ties with my family...he left those decisions up to me. I think you have a perfect right to set boundaries. I am not sure it is useful to even discuss it after you sent your e-mail. I have found, at least in MY life, that the more I say, the more they talk. The less I say, the less they have to talk about. Anything I have tried to explain to my DNA connections has not worked. They are stubborn, pigheaded and they are not flexible or able to put themselves in other's shoes. So why keep talking and talking about it? I learned to detach from my family and keep the conversations to the surface, like the weather, their health, what movies I saw, etc. By the time I had kids, I must say I was used to no support from my family, yet I constinued to try to get it. Do you what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over again. When I hit 40 or so, I got it. I'm glad I got it. I don't miss having an extended family that is close. I never really had one and I consider my husband and my kids to be my family...that's all. Sometimes my sister is almost like a real sister to me. Sometimes she turns around and hangs up on me. I value when we are on good terms, but am used to it not always being that way. I would send them all one e-mail that would read something like "For my mental health, I am going to insist that nobody discuss JT with me in any way. If I want to discuss him, I will bring him up. Sadly, if you do talk about him, I will have to either gently hang up the phone or leave the house. I am doing this for myself, and hope you all understand. We can discuss any other topic, but not him. Thank you for your kindness in getting why I have to do this." At any rate, I would cut off the constant gossip, at least to you. You can't control them, but you can control what you are willing to listen to. Hugs to you and hope you find your way to healing. Nancy, sorry about your sister. But it is a prime example of why we somethings go no contact with our DNA connections, as I call them. People who can have healthy relationships with relatives don't understand this, but it happens more than we like to admit. It is so hard when the people who are SUPPOSED to love us the most, do not act like they love us at all. When we told my father we were adopting our first child, he said, "You expect me to love him?" He has mellowed out, but I never forgot it. [/QUOTE]
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