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Coping with grief after kicking difficult child out
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 628308" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>HI Sad,</p><p></p><p>I know all too well the cycles of grief, fear, guilt, second-guessing and resolve that go along with detaching from a difficult child, especially when getting him out of the home. My difficult child is 20, and has been living either on the street or couch surfing for the most part since he was 17. He has occasionally come home briefly, with the hope that a stable environment will help him work things out...but it never works. Grief, guilt, second-guessing, fear. </p><p></p><p>In there sometimes, though, is a little glimmer of freedom, and hope. For yourself. I hope you can see that little glimmer. If you do...blow on it a bit, like an ember. It will get stronger, and as it (and you) get stronger, those other feelings diminish.</p><p></p><p>Your difficult child is off now on a big adventure of independence, rage, and "angry young man" ness. Several of us have had our difficult children tell us that they see their lives out of the home that way...a big adventure, sticking it to the man, living off their own resilience, making their own way without compromise, etc etc. They think they are cool rebels.</p><p></p><p>He is probably in the middle of that now, feeling victorious (and angry) with each new day as he finds ways to live out from under your expectations.</p><p></p><p>I'd be surprised if you don't hear from him, but of course can't guarantee that, and can't know when. My difficult child always pops up again eventually. Unlike some, he is actually pretty sweet and clueless, and although yes he shows up when he needs something, he also shows up because he loves me and misses me. </p><p></p><p>Its been a long road. </p><p></p><p>Your life, your happiness, you wholeness can't hinge on whether and when he contacts you again.</p><p></p><p>You will need to build your resilience. Some of us do that with 12 step programs, NAMI or nar anon or families anon. Some with our own therapists. Some with meditation, embracing religion or philosophy, and a lot of us do a LOT of reading. We can make some recommendations if you'd like...books about difficult children, books about our own role as enablers or co-dependents, books about living through awful things...they all help. And so does posting. And crying sometimes. And exercise and sleep and spending time with people who love you while NOT talking about difficult child...little steps. You will get through this.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 628308, member: 17269"] HI Sad, I know all too well the cycles of grief, fear, guilt, second-guessing and resolve that go along with detaching from a difficult child, especially when getting him out of the home. My difficult child is 20, and has been living either on the street or couch surfing for the most part since he was 17. He has occasionally come home briefly, with the hope that a stable environment will help him work things out...but it never works. Grief, guilt, second-guessing, fear. In there sometimes, though, is a little glimmer of freedom, and hope. For yourself. I hope you can see that little glimmer. If you do...blow on it a bit, like an ember. It will get stronger, and as it (and you) get stronger, those other feelings diminish. Your difficult child is off now on a big adventure of independence, rage, and "angry young man" ness. Several of us have had our difficult children tell us that they see their lives out of the home that way...a big adventure, sticking it to the man, living off their own resilience, making their own way without compromise, etc etc. They think they are cool rebels. He is probably in the middle of that now, feeling victorious (and angry) with each new day as he finds ways to live out from under your expectations. I'd be surprised if you don't hear from him, but of course can't guarantee that, and can't know when. My difficult child always pops up again eventually. Unlike some, he is actually pretty sweet and clueless, and although yes he shows up when he needs something, he also shows up because he loves me and misses me. Its been a long road. Your life, your happiness, you wholeness can't hinge on whether and when he contacts you again. You will need to build your resilience. Some of us do that with 12 step programs, NAMI or nar anon or families anon. Some with our own therapists. Some with meditation, embracing religion or philosophy, and a lot of us do a LOT of reading. We can make some recommendations if you'd like...books about difficult children, books about our own role as enablers or co-dependents, books about living through awful things...they all help. And so does posting. And crying sometimes. And exercise and sleep and spending time with people who love you while NOT talking about difficult child...little steps. You will get through this. Echo [/QUOTE]
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