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Coping with grief after kicking difficult child out
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 643240" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I kicked my son out more than three years ago and he has not been back here to live. He is now 25.</p><p></p><p>Grief is a natural part of this whole thing and my best Advice is to understand that, own it, feel it, walk through it, get help for it and you will come out on the other side of it one day. </p><p></p><p>At times it hurt so much I thought I would die. I so wanted to say never mind, just come back and slowly I realized it was my own pain, fear and guilt I could not handle. </p><p></p><p>I began using lots of tools to help myself cope and I slowly got better.</p><p></p><p>It was hard to reconcile my deep pain with the reality of his behavior and understand that even if I caved yet again and he came back home, things would be the same---awful---and even worse---coming home would hurt him and his chance to change even more. Finally understanding that I am worth and entitled to peace, joy and serenity in my own life plus that my son is responsible for his own choices decisions and actions and his own life---and what that really means---gave me more strength of purpose to stay the course. But it was still really hard. Really hard. </p><p></p><p>We have been conditioned not to want to feel any pain or discomfort and to somehow stop it immediately. That doesn't work on this journey. </p><p></p><p>In fact one of the key new lessons we have to learn here is to allow pain that may not diminish for weeks months even years and how to learn to live with uncertainty. Most people in this world do not ever have to learn this and that is where the real joy can come for us---in learning this incredibly valuable new way of living. </p><p></p><p>We have to keep on walking through the pain to get to the other side---where there is peace, serenity and joy, regardless of what our difficult children do or do not do.</p><p></p><p>It seems impossible but it is not. It takes hard work, time and faith in something greater than ourselves.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 643240, member: 17542"] I kicked my son out more than three years ago and he has not been back here to live. He is now 25. Grief is a natural part of this whole thing and my best Advice is to understand that, own it, feel it, walk through it, get help for it and you will come out on the other side of it one day. At times it hurt so much I thought I would die. I so wanted to say never mind, just come back and slowly I realized it was my own pain, fear and guilt I could not handle. I began using lots of tools to help myself cope and I slowly got better. It was hard to reconcile my deep pain with the reality of his behavior and understand that even if I caved yet again and he came back home, things would be the same---awful---and even worse---coming home would hurt him and his chance to change even more. Finally understanding that I am worth and entitled to peace, joy and serenity in my own life plus that my son is responsible for his own choices decisions and actions and his own life---and what that really means---gave me more strength of purpose to stay the course. But it was still really hard. Really hard. We have been conditioned not to want to feel any pain or discomfort and to somehow stop it immediately. That doesn't work on this journey. In fact one of the key new lessons we have to learn here is to allow pain that may not diminish for weeks months even years and how to learn to live with uncertainty. Most people in this world do not ever have to learn this and that is where the real joy can come for us---in learning this incredibly valuable new way of living. We have to keep on walking through the pain to get to the other side---where there is peace, serenity and joy, regardless of what our difficult children do or do not do. It seems impossible but it is not. It takes hard work, time and faith in something greater than ourselves. [/QUOTE]
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