Cops called, wife gone

[miles2go]

Last I heard from the detective, the case was just on the way to the DA, so nothing been said there yet.
So I write about duck, cover and hold haha and an hour or two later I am in a dowtown LA skyscraper and the 7.3 hits in Baja and everything swaaaays.
O and good luck with ivf, Step. My friends have 2 ivf kids (not twins) and one accident kid after that.

 

[Hound dog]

I'm late to this thread.........been having my own nitemare for the past couple of weeks. But you've gotten good sound advice.

Stick to your guns, whatever happens. It's not going to be easy. (hence the anxiety/panic attack) Good news is they can't force 14 yo to visit.......and due to circumstances just MIGHT really consider your supervised visitation. If you get the protective order, keep it in place as long as possible and turn her in at the slightest infringement. Have to be very careful with such orders because if she violates terms of it and you don't report it, it can become null and void........same if you violate the terms because they pertain to you as well. (two sided) Just some helpful information. I've had too many friends with abusive partners let little things slide then when they went to report them on something big they found out their order no longer applied.

If you can't get her into treatment, you can at least keep the kids safe and out of harms way as much as possible.

Oh, and Document, Document, Document. Keep a paper trail and a file to cover your own fanny. It really does help.

(((hugs)))

 

[gcvmom]

Gee, Miles, I thought for sure that jolt we felt in SoCal today was your wife getting served! Good thing those buildings are on rollers now...

 

[miles2go]

So it was done.
She's "filing for divorce" (I filed for legal sep only), and I am "stabbing her in the back". And because she was in between her BiPolar (BP) cycles, she was so reasonable and calm that it does feel like stabbing in the back and I feel all sick again while walking around with the kids in a museum.

 

[AnnieO]

Don't let yourself feel like that - I know easier said than done - but remember why you are doing this. THE KIDS.

In the meantime, tell your attorney what she said and make sure you get a motion for custody in ASAP. Also keep in mind that she is saying this to make you feel bad. Reasonable and calm? Does she not remember hitting her own child?

HUGS. It's not easy, I know.

 

[klmno]

Good one, gcvmom!

Yep- I agree with Step on this- both about the custody, telling attny asap, AND about this being manipulation- or else she wouldn't be retaliating by filing for divorce. If she really wanted a divorce she wouldn't mind you being the one to start with a separation. If she really wanted the marriage to work, she wouldn't be handling it this way. So either way, you have nothing to feel guilty about but this is ohhh soooo typical when one spouse has had enough BS and finally files for divorce- not that it applies in ALL marriages that don't work out, but I think it's typical when the divorce or separation is defnitely justified due to one party's bad behavior.

 

[gcvmom]

Don't let the calm in the eye of the storm fool you. What you've lived through before will strike again -- you know it and you have to remember that regardless of how "normal" she may suddenly appear. It's easy to doubt yourself right now but you need to be firm in your resolve and continue to speak your truth.

We were up in L.A. today for my difficult child 1's GI appointment. We WERE going to hit a museum, but ended up at the Santa Monica pier instead. OMG it was SO cold and windy! But a fun adventure nonetheless. by the way, DaVinci is at the Getty right now, if your kiddos are interested...

 

[miles2go]

yea the calm of the storm lasts about a second, then it rips off the mast which is what happened. I have been abused today, threatened, then abused some more. I think I staved off her coming down here right now, which would have been disastrous. Huge meltdown, serious threats.
Until I get temporary custody there's nothing I can do about her coming over and taking the kids, is there?
Leonardo, maybe, gvcmom, but my wee ones would get bored at the Getty. They like buttons and levers.

 

[gcvmom]

Mine get bored there fairly quickly, too. Even with my past attempts at playing "I Spy" in the galleries. But both my younger and older one were actually interested in going to see that particular exhibit... just didn't make it there today. The garden is about the only place that holds their interest for any length of time!

Wish I had some advice on the custody issues... hopefully others here can help with that. I hope you can get through this mess fairly quickly.

 

[miles2go]

I have good advice on custody law and process, gcvmom, its dealing with a bipolar adult thats hard.
Anyway, good luck with yours, the weather is improving, we might the SM pier later.

 

[gcvmom]

If she's threatening you, have you considered a restraining order?

 

[Hound dog]

Avoidance might be your best bet, at least until the restraining order and temp custody sets in. Stay away from home base as much as possible. Hard to do I know with kids. But the less easy it is for her to find you, the less drama there is going to be.

If it gets really bad........and it might before this is said and done........call your local domestic violence shelter and explain the situation to them. No, you couldn't stay there, but they may be able to set you up in a safe place to stay where she can't find you and the kids. (hotel room or something)

(hugs)

 

[GoingNorth]

If nothing else, the DV shelter should be able to provide advice on coping with the situation, contact phone numbers, etc. I agree with swearing out a TRO for the safety of you and your children.

 

[AnnieO]

She comes over, call cops. They'll pull her name on the way... Bringing up previous issues...

 

[miles2go]

So she raged and then got an expensive lawyer who I imagine prevents her from crazy things like coming over but riles her up to fight every legal step and to pull for more money.
She's in her last months of law school and "I can't go into treatment now because then I can't pass exams, so I promise to go into treatment right after if you drop the motion right now" me:"umm no you can't even keep promises to yourself". She:"then I m dropping out of school rt now". Sigh. Her mom:"how about you withdraw she signs an obligation to go into treatment after the exams and the bar else you have custody?" Doubt that would be enforceable, besides treatment needs to be effective before the kids are safe with her.

God, I hope this battle works out in the kids favor.

 

[klmno]

The "motion" she and her mother are asking you to drop- is that the separation or a protective order? because I can't see it being logiccal to flip out over you filing for separation and reacting to it by then filing for divorce. I can, however, see that finishing law school and prepping for those exams would be extrememly stressful and probably contributing to her instability and explosive behavior and I didn't catch this piece of information before. But it would appear that the most beneficial thing she could do under those circumstancees would be to agree to a separation until she gets that stuff over with. A divorce process would be even more stressful on her than a separation where you are willing to keep custody of the kids, let her get the tests over, and get treatment, then reevaluate. To me, this would be a reasonable compromise while keeping everyone safe. I don't think I would force an issue that made her choose between all the treatment and family issues or completing a degree that she almost has done and getting a professional license- that is almost guaranteed to make anyone explosive and resentful.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I have not chimed in on this thread yet, but just have a couple comments. You know custody determinations can be changed as circumstances change - as someone nearing the end of the legal education, your wife should know that. If you are granted temporary custody now, there is always the possibility that she can share that with you in the future should she get treatment and make improvement.

But the stress of studying, etc., will NEVER, EVER justify striking your child in anger and treating your family like dirt. Excuses, excuses, excuses.... Please don't fall into the "if I just had one more chance" trap. Sticking to your guns is the absolutely best thing your could do for her. Anger at herself and the desire to get treatment might be greater were the things she holds dear taken away.

And you are not talking about her not seeing her kids - just having her mother present. I think you need to start taping her phone calls. Let her know that you are going to do so. Sounds like she is stable one minute and off the next. Her raging at you will probably contrast the front she is presenting to the legal professionals she is working with on this case. Don't forget about video taping either.

I understand that this is incredibly hard for you and for your children. Just remember that you are fighting for their lives - and I don't mean necessarily physically - watching their mother rage at you, their sibs, or hit their sister is going to change who your kids are.

Stay strong.

Sharon

 

[klmno]

But the stress of studying, etc., will NEVER, EVER justify striking your child in anger and treating your family like dirt.

I hope my post didn't come across like I was condoning that or justifying that type of behavior. If so, it wasn't my intent. In my mind, the term "explosive" situation or person doesn't necessarily mean violence or physical aggression and my reference to it didn't mean that I think it's ok or justified to get to the point of physical aggression. We all have choices in how to react when we are so angry we're about to blow a fuse.

 

[Marguerite]

klmno, I didn't get that feeling form what you wrote. I think LDM is merely clarifying this, to make sure the point gets across.

I'm also thinking that Miles could throw wife a line, focussing on the protection order for now so wife can get her studies finished and then get treatment without feeling pressured. But until treatment is begun, I fully agree - she shouldn't be given the slightest chance to hit those kids again.

The crazy thing here, correct me if I'm wrong, Miles - you only filed for protection, it's your wife who's saying, "Well, I'll up the ante and ask for a divorce."
She really does need to be given the chance to get treatment before any such final choices are made. But I think you're standing firm on the protection order, from what you have indicated.

Stay strong. Your kids need you to. And surely when her stress levels are lower and there are no excuses left, your wife will be more likely to want to compromise in order to see the kids. Maybe then she will accept treatment, if it's a visitation condition. And with treatment...

Marg

 

[miles2go]

No protective order.
Temporary full custody (which she calls "taking kids away from her"), with legal separation filed in order to have standing for the custody petition. It is the custody petition that she wants withdrawn.
Yes, best for all would be if I had temporary custody (with plenty visitation rights for her) while she finishes studies and deals with the criminal battery case, then gets into treatment, then we reevaluate.
Instead she is threatening to wage battle, to harm everyone from me to my parents, sends all these threatening (or just full of filth) emails ccur daughter and the entire extended family.