Cops called, wife gone
- Thread starter miles2go
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Marguerite
Active Member
On the one hand, I'm glad she's making it so easy for you to show the ongoing problems and threats. On the other hand, it is so sad she can't see the further damage she is doing to her family, and to her own cause.
I hope you feel vindicated, Miles. although that's probably cold comfort right now, when all you want to do is keep your kids safe.
Hang in there, mate.
Marg
I hope you feel vindicated, Miles. although that's probably cold comfort right now, when all you want to do is keep your kids safe.
Hang in there, mate.
Marg
Oh Marg, that part was obvious. It's more of the same, she's been tellin junk abt me to daughter for a while ("she doesn't want me to like you," daughter says in passing). Now she called daughter second time today, "have you read the declaration yet? I want you to go paragraph by paragraph to confirm or deny. And do it asap" plus sob for what "dad is trying to do to me" plus a veiled threat. That was enough for me to call my lawyer who'll send a letter to her lawyer and I am considering staying at a hotel till ex parte custody comes thru.
Good thing daughter is so solid now, I think now that she feels defended rather than left to abuse, so much of her teenage irritability just fell off.
Just hope and pray that custody comes out on my side, daughter can choose where she goes, DS 5 is strong smart sweet and will probly do ok even with partial custody, but GFGm9 (BiPolar (BP)) is who I am really worried about.
Good thing daughter is so solid now, I think now that she feels defended rather than left to abuse, so much of her teenage irritability just fell off.
Just hope and pray that custody comes out on my side, daughter can choose where she goes, DS 5 is strong smart sweet and will probly do ok even with partial custody, but GFGm9 (BiPolar (BP)) is who I am really worried about.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
That right there says it all to me.
Things quieted in our home and Onyxx calmed as well. She's still being a royal pain in the rear end, but she IS a teen. And the normal teen stuff is cake after what I've seen. But when she realized WE LOVED HER no matter what, good bad or ugly, and we would PROTECT her? Wow. Talk about a change.
crazymama30
Active Member
I second and third the restraining order. my husband is bipolar, and if he harmed the kids it would be over, medications or no medications. Save the e mails, give them to your lawyer. I would then have your daughter get a different email but you keep access to the old one and print all emails.
I feel for you. this is a very hard place to be. Dealing with an unstable mentally ill adult poses many challenges, especially when there are children involved.
I feel for you. this is a very hard place to be. Dealing with an unstable mentally ill adult poses many challenges, especially when there are children involved.
RO, RO, It's off to court we go.
A hotel until the ex parte order might be a good idea, if it hasn't come already. Be sure to ask your atty if you can stick her with the bill as it is her harassment that caused you to have to vacate your home.
Sounds like your daughter has figured out what is what. Hopefully your difficult child will. Even with BiPolar (BP) your difficult child is problem not totally clueless. Keeping ex from manipulating his illness will be the problem.
Your bestest buddy through this entire process is pen and paper. Keep a log of what happens. Not just keep each email, keep an overall log with what happened each day. Once custody/visitation is set and happening, if the kids come back upset, happy, dirty, sad, hungry, thrilled, whatever, jot it down. If she is early or late, changes days or times, EVERYTHING gets written down.
If you have that, ESP if you have some good stuff in there, you can later take it to a judge and easily show why she shouldn't see the kids, or have custody or overnights or whatever. Having some good stuff shows the judge you are not out to "get" her, that you are reporting what you see.
I am sorry it has to be this traumatic a process for everyone.
Mental Illness hoovers.
A hotel until the ex parte order might be a good idea, if it hasn't come already. Be sure to ask your atty if you can stick her with the bill as it is her harassment that caused you to have to vacate your home.
Sounds like your daughter has figured out what is what. Hopefully your difficult child will. Even with BiPolar (BP) your difficult child is problem not totally clueless. Keeping ex from manipulating his illness will be the problem.
Your bestest buddy through this entire process is pen and paper. Keep a log of what happens. Not just keep each email, keep an overall log with what happened each day. Once custody/visitation is set and happening, if the kids come back upset, happy, dirty, sad, hungry, thrilled, whatever, jot it down. If she is early or late, changes days or times, EVERYTHING gets written down.
If you have that, ESP if you have some good stuff in there, you can later take it to a judge and easily show why she shouldn't see the kids, or have custody or overnights or whatever. Having some good stuff shows the judge you are not out to "get" her, that you are reporting what you see.
I am sorry it has to be this traumatic a process for everyone.
Mental Illness hoovers.
What's ESP, susiestar? My life is even more intersting than hiding in a hotel. Some prominent tibetan lama is here so she'll fly down to have him bless the kids. I am going along with this and driving down (1hr) which could be a mistake. But if there is a problem, to the court record it goes.
Got the temp full custody order today, vague on visitation rights, with "liberal' penned in before "visitation", grandma's supervision specified, separate residence is not.
Here are excerpts from what I just wrote to my lawyer:
When I got home tonight with DS(5) and daughter(14) I found grandma and difficult child(9) gone. After calling grandma's cell phone I found out wife took them to the city to a party at her school. Grandma told me on the phone they would be home by 7pm. At 7:45pm wife arrived home with difficult child without grandma (having dropped off grandma elsewhere). wife essentially kept me away from difficult child throughout the rest of the evening, not letting me even to take difficult child to wash his hands or to sit next to him, asking difficult child's wish at every point (I: "It's bed time, difficult child" She:"Dad doesn't want me to give you a snack, would you like a snack ?"). When I asked her to leave, she refused. I said I am calling 911, she started screaming to DS(the 5y.o.) "dad is going call 911, he wants to put me in jail". This was getting the kids more and more worked up, until both of them were in the family bed with her, and upset. When I asked her not to get the kids involved in this she started screaming "you are getting the kids involved in this when you started this; children, if you wake up and I am not here, it means dad had police put me in jail, dad doesn't want me to live here with you, etc". I didn't want to traumatize the boys further and got out of the bedroom where she then locked herself with the boys. It was 1.5 hrs past difficult child's bedtime. I was not able to give him some of the supplements he takes because she kept me away. daughter decided throughout the evening to record the sounds of some of this on her cellphone; she got some of the "dad wants to call 911, DS" etc.
I asked wife earlier in the evening whether she talked to her lawyer today, she said yes, and she was aware of the order (her lawyer getting the order is as good as her getting served as I understand it).
During the course of the evening she also kept asking DS "do you want me to pick you up tomorrow?" and other ways to insinuate herself into "following the child's wish" against the custody order. Even when I asked her to let difficult child sleep and turn off the light (you know how bipolar's sleep schedule is critical to his mental health) she refused, wanting to read to DS because "she promised him".
I called the police to make a report. I asked them not to disturb the boys where wife was locked in, and so I was not asking them to remove her.
They told me:
1. They don't make reports on custody violations (department's new policy)
2. The order is written vaguely enough where visitation time is not specified and "liberal" written in , and it is not specified that she is to live apart, so they probably would not remove her from the house if I did ask them to.
However, the way I see it, she was clearly in violation arriving with difficult child alone without supervision, and I had no idea he was taken to the city until I called to find out.
She has been hostile (though not overtly threatening or violent) to daughter (that's the one wife assaulted in the first place) throughout the trip from LA, tonight, and any other time they are within vicinity of each other.
What do you think I should do?
Me: married (who knows for how long yet) dad, 49ish
wife: BiPolar (BP) off da hook
GFG9, BiPolar (BP) boy, abilfy 10mg, b6 for (possible) tardive dyskinesia
DS5, as perfect as they come
DD14, makeup and fashion expert, easy child since I stood to her defense against assaults by wife.
Here are excerpts from what I just wrote to my lawyer:
When I got home tonight with DS(5) and daughter(14) I found grandma and difficult child(9) gone. After calling grandma's cell phone I found out wife took them to the city to a party at her school. Grandma told me on the phone they would be home by 7pm. At 7:45pm wife arrived home with difficult child without grandma (having dropped off grandma elsewhere). wife essentially kept me away from difficult child throughout the rest of the evening, not letting me even to take difficult child to wash his hands or to sit next to him, asking difficult child's wish at every point (I: "It's bed time, difficult child" She:"Dad doesn't want me to give you a snack, would you like a snack ?"). When I asked her to leave, she refused. I said I am calling 911, she started screaming to DS(the 5y.o.) "dad is going call 911, he wants to put me in jail". This was getting the kids more and more worked up, until both of them were in the family bed with her, and upset. When I asked her not to get the kids involved in this she started screaming "you are getting the kids involved in this when you started this; children, if you wake up and I am not here, it means dad had police put me in jail, dad doesn't want me to live here with you, etc". I didn't want to traumatize the boys further and got out of the bedroom where she then locked herself with the boys. It was 1.5 hrs past difficult child's bedtime. I was not able to give him some of the supplements he takes because she kept me away. daughter decided throughout the evening to record the sounds of some of this on her cellphone; she got some of the "dad wants to call 911, DS" etc.
I asked wife earlier in the evening whether she talked to her lawyer today, she said yes, and she was aware of the order (her lawyer getting the order is as good as her getting served as I understand it).
During the course of the evening she also kept asking DS "do you want me to pick you up tomorrow?" and other ways to insinuate herself into "following the child's wish" against the custody order. Even when I asked her to let difficult child sleep and turn off the light (you know how bipolar's sleep schedule is critical to his mental health) she refused, wanting to read to DS because "she promised him".
I called the police to make a report. I asked them not to disturb the boys where wife was locked in, and so I was not asking them to remove her.
They told me:
1. They don't make reports on custody violations (department's new policy)
2. The order is written vaguely enough where visitation time is not specified and "liberal" written in , and it is not specified that she is to live apart, so they probably would not remove her from the house if I did ask them to.
However, the way I see it, she was clearly in violation arriving with difficult child alone without supervision, and I had no idea he was taken to the city until I called to find out.
She has been hostile (though not overtly threatening or violent) to daughter (that's the one wife assaulted in the first place) throughout the trip from LA, tonight, and any other time they are within vicinity of each other.
What do you think I should do?
Me: married (who knows for how long yet) dad, 49ish
wife: BiPolar (BP) off da hook
GFG9, BiPolar (BP) boy, abilfy 10mg, b6 for (possible) tardive dyskinesia
DS5, as perfect as they come
DD14, makeup and fashion expert, easy child since I stood to her defense against assaults by wife.
nvts
Active Member
Miles, I don't want to be a "b-word" but you've got to get tough on this. She's still controling you and the kids and the entire situation at hand. The way I see it: (and let me preface this with I just had my husband of 15 years leave because he was getting emotionally, mentally and approaching physically cruel to the kids - and myself- so I may be in this "aggressive state of mind")
1. she has refused medication
2. she has punched your daughter in the face
3. she's mentally abusing all of you
4. she's disavowing all responsibility for any of the circumstances
5. she's locking herself in the room with the children where you are fearful for what she may do
6. she's not following the temp. custody orders
7. she's not respecting the supervised visitation requirements
8. she's trying to make you the scary bad guy when the kids need to feel that at least ONE of their parents has their best interest at hand
Yet you're not sure what to do? Call your lawyer and get tough. If you had to be in a 1 bedroom apartment with all of the kids, it would be psychologically best to keep them away from this woman. Yeah, I know, you probably still love her (I know I still love the person that my husband WAS and COULD BE) but that's not important right now. Yes she needs help, yes she's in an ugly place right now - but you are NOT responsible for that - SHE IS!!
I worry that your BiPolar (BP) son will think that this is where he's going to end up someday - out of control and unable to function. There are so many people with BiPolar (BP) disorder that are in good shape when they take their medications, keep up with their docs. and accept that they have an issue. Why surround him with someone who intentionally displays this type of behavior because she refuses to accept reality?
Again, I'm sorry if I'm hurting your feelings, but prayer meetings? parties in the city? locking herself in and emotionally abusing them? Intentionally alienating you from them? Who is this helping?
GET HER OUT!
Again - I'm truly sorry if I'm being a witch with a "b", but I'm worried for you and the kids.
Beth
1. she has refused medication
2. she has punched your daughter in the face
3. she's mentally abusing all of you
4. she's disavowing all responsibility for any of the circumstances
5. she's locking herself in the room with the children where you are fearful for what she may do
6. she's not following the temp. custody orders
7. she's not respecting the supervised visitation requirements
8. she's trying to make you the scary bad guy when the kids need to feel that at least ONE of their parents has their best interest at hand
Yet you're not sure what to do? Call your lawyer and get tough. If you had to be in a 1 bedroom apartment with all of the kids, it would be psychologically best to keep them away from this woman. Yeah, I know, you probably still love her (I know I still love the person that my husband WAS and COULD BE) but that's not important right now. Yes she needs help, yes she's in an ugly place right now - but you are NOT responsible for that - SHE IS!!
I worry that your BiPolar (BP) son will think that this is where he's going to end up someday - out of control and unable to function. There are so many people with BiPolar (BP) disorder that are in good shape when they take their medications, keep up with their docs. and accept that they have an issue. Why surround him with someone who intentionally displays this type of behavior because she refuses to accept reality?
Again, I'm sorry if I'm hurting your feelings, but prayer meetings? parties in the city? locking herself in and emotionally abusing them? Intentionally alienating you from them? Who is this helping?
GET HER OUT!
Again - I'm truly sorry if I'm being a witch with a "b", but I'm worried for you and the kids.
Beth
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
No, you're right, the cops will NOT enforce custody - it's a "civil matter". However you CAN have her removed from the house. Since the cops have been out before. All you have to do is: 1) tell her to leave. 2) when she does not call cops and tell them you have told her to leave (you've filed, it's fair) and she won't. Key words here - you're worried because of her past violence toward the children, and you need their help.
And for the kids' sake? Once she leaves? Shopping, work, whatever? CHANGE YOUR LOCKS INCLUDING DEADBOLTS!!!
And for the kids' sake? Once she leaves? Shopping, work, whatever? CHANGE YOUR LOCKS INCLUDING DEADBOLTS!!!
donna723
Well-Known Member
... what Beth said! You need to get really tough on this and get back with your attorney and see what they say. I've been there done that too, so I know how difficult it is. My ex was (and stilll is) a major league drunk who thought that if he could still stand up, he could drive ... with the kids in the car! And you would not believe what an uphill battle I had to fight trying to keep my kids safe when they were with him! He just did it anyway and lied about it.
And apparently you can't rely too heavily on 'grandma supervision' either! Did 'grandma' not realize that her supervising the visit meant that she should actually be there the whole time that the kids were with their mother, and not agree to be dropped off somewhere and leave her alone with the children?
And apparently you can't rely too heavily on 'grandma supervision' either! Did 'grandma' not realize that her supervising the visit meant that she should actually be there the whole time that the kids were with their mother, and not agree to be dropped off somewhere and leave her alone with the children?
As I said, tough is not a problem; her holding the kids emotionally hostage while the custody order is not enforcible, that's a problem. The lawyer is just recommending I keep notes since the hearing is 2 weeks away and no time for another motion.
The DA decided not to prosecute and referred to CPS for investigation. Does anyone know whether CPS will help me with mediation / hearing?
The DA decided not to prosecute and referred to CPS for investigation. Does anyone know whether CPS will help me with mediation / hearing?
nvts
Active Member
Miles, I'm sorry I came off so witchy - I'm worried about you guys. I've been through the wringer this past couple of weeks and I'm afraid that I was too harsh. That being said, my vote? (if I'm still entitled to one!) is you and the kids move out.
And I'm curious (I have no experience on this, but I may soon!) - can your lawyer explain why the cops are allowed to not enforce the custody? I mean - it's an order of the court, shouldn't they HAVE to enforce it? What would happen if ACS was involved? They'd have to enforce it then wouldn't they?
I'm feeling more and more lost on all of this stuff every day!
Again, I'm sorry I was being a witch -
Beth
And I'm curious (I have no experience on this, but I may soon!) - can your lawyer explain why the cops are allowed to not enforce the custody? I mean - it's an order of the court, shouldn't they HAVE to enforce it? What would happen if ACS was involved? They'd have to enforce it then wouldn't they?
I'm feeling more and more lost on all of this stuff every day!
Again, I'm sorry I was being a witch -
Beth
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
2 weeks not enough time? WHAT? We did one the day before. And the day of.
YES, CPS should help. SHOULD. That said, you ARE male. Unfortunately that is the way things tend to be. Going to PM you.
